Questions For Corey Feldman

Some opportunities you just can’t say no to. Like seven years ago when I ran into Samuel L. Jackson at the San Francisco Airport at 7:30 in the morning on a Tuesday; I just couldn’t pass up the chance to tell him he was robbed for an Oscar for his performance in A Time To Kill. Or that Phantom Menace was, um, not so much (and yes, in case you were wondering, he was wearing a Kangol hat. And black leather pants and jacket. At 7:30 in the morning. What do you want? He’s Sam Muthafuckin’ Jackson!). Or when I had the chance to interview Billy Zabka for PopLoad, , and I totally took the opportunity to get him to say Daniel-San was a pussy. There are just some things in life you must do.

One of those things presented itself to me earlier this week. I heard about a marketing stunt being done by MSN TV where they were hosting a Dear Abbey style column featuring the Coreys. Yes, those Coreys. Haim and Feldman. Stars of the international acclaimed films Liscense to Drive, Dream a Little Dream, Michael Jackson Takes A Lover, Drugs Are Bad Mmkay and the TNT not classic National Lampoon’s Scuba School. The stunt is a promotional gimmick to support what appears to be the greatest reality show in the history of human existence, A & E’s “The Coreys: Return of the Lost Boys”, coming this summer to blow our minds. MSN TV is asking people to submit questions to the boys and they will answer them on the site. Getting a chance to drop some Q’s on the Coreys? How could a cynical internet humorist resist? I can’t. It’s just one of things in life you must do.

I’m breaking this questions column up into two parts, one for each Corey (because the stars of Blown Away deserve double billing). These are the questions I submitted for Corey Feldman.

To read my questions for Corey Haim, go HERE.

Ten Questions For Corey Feldman

Oh, Corey Feldman, how long I’ve waiting to grill you on your career. The rise, the fall, the MJ period, your inexplicable hookup with Vanessa Marcil, a girl so out of your league they haven’t even invented the sport she plays, your legendary assholish stint on The Surreal Life, why you seem intent on running into me at random locations in The Valley wearing only flannel pajama pants and a ripped t-shirt, and most of all, how someone so pug-faced, obnoxious and patently unlikeable could have had such an illustrious career (assuming you can consider Meatballs 4, The burbs and Lipstick Camera, illustrious). Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions. I hope your comeback is gratifying, financially successful and most of all, extremely short-lived. You suck, Corey Feldman. You truly, truly suck.

To the questions!

1. Who was more stoned on the set of “Dream A Little Dream”, you, Haim or the writer? Because that shit made no sense!

2. How was the airtime divided between you and Haim for your joint E! True Hollywood Story? Did you do best of seven rock, paper, scissors? Did you flip a coin? Was there a hair-gel off? Or, like, first to not O.D. on illegal Mexican horse tranquilizers gets the right of first refusal on the lead segment? Inquiring minds want to know.

3. How bummed were you that Chris O’Donnell stole the role of Robin in Batman Forever from you? Did you have to add nipples to your Michael Jackson suit just to calm your bruised ego?

4. Speaking of the king of pop, do you and Macauley Culkin ever meet to have a good cry together?

5. Does Jerry O’Connell ever call you up and just start laughing? Don’t fret though, maybe he can get you a part on his hit primetime network drama. Or as the stunt double for the kangaroo in Kangaroo Jack 2. Or maybe his bangin’ supermodel fiancée can set you up with a heavyset girlfriend with a great personality. The O’Connell’s are known for their generosity (and skeeviness).

6. Do you remember an incident about ten years ago where you almost got hit by a car in the parking lot of Ralph’s off of Reseda and Devonshire in Northridge, CA? And then someone stuck his head out the window and yelled “Wassup, Dinger?” And you practically recoiled in disgust and bolted off? Yeah, that was me. Sorry about almost killing you. And for mistaking your character name from Dream A Little Dream. Next time I try to cripple you with my two-ton automobile I’ll be sure to reference one of your actual roles. Maybe Mouth from The Goonies? Or you could choose.

7. What’s it like to be thought of as the most obnoxious has been celebrity in the history of The Surreal Life? And seriously dude, I know you suck and all, but how is that even possible? You were up against the likes of pantheon douchebags Vanilla Ice, Tawny Kitaen, Jose Canseco and Dave Coulier. Truly this must be a career low for you. Even lower than playing second fiddle to Marc fraking Dascascos in the maligned Crow TV show.

8. How can someone so ugly have such a long career? The 80’s were a strange, awful time for aesthetics.

9. You were the lamest Ninja Turtle. That’s not a question, I just wanted you to know. Even dumbass Michelangelo was cooler than you. Seriously. I can’t stress enough how bad an actor you are. Like Sanjaya bad.

10. What color is Michael Jackson’s penis? Is it taupe? It has to be taupe, right?

Goonies never say die!

Bangarang!

CLICK HERE to subscribe to TheJay.com RSS Feed