We’re gonna call a mulligan on last week’s axe predictions since no one got the boot and the whole week was a sham anyway. I’ve already spoken at length about how I feel on the topic of Idol Gives Back, so I won’t rehash my thoughts now. I’ll simply point you to this take on the subject and say AGREED.
Now back to something that actually matters, namely Jon Bon Jovi. If ever there was a reason to have Rock Week, JBJ would be it. His songs kick ass, everyone and their mother has attempted to drunkenly sing “Living On A Prayer” at an ill-advised karaoke bender (“Oh, we’re halfway there…”), and the dude tapped a pristine Heather Locklear before Tommy Lee got his anaconda junk anywhere near her. If the entire music industry were this show, Bon Jovi would easily have won American Idol for the entirety of the 1980’s (Madonna would have been second, but only because she would have given Simon a hummer after every commercial break. She was definitely Antonella’s spiritual mentor.). And that’s all before mentioning that he wrote one of the best soundtrack tunes of all time (holla, Emilio!). A lot of people got psyched up for the benefit concert, what with the celebrities and pageantry and what not. Me, I just laid low till last Thursday and then began my countdown to JBJ in earnest. This is what I waited for; Blake, Melinda and Jordin taking on the rock. I sat through Country, Latin, Sanjaya Malakar, British Nonsense, fucking Old Sad Bastard Week (not to mention the suckage that was Hollywood Week Sundance Head) and now that torturous journey has finally been vindicated. As my boy Sean Connery might say… Welcome to the Rock!
I could go on more about my thoughts on the night, but it’s all there below. Aside from British Week, Rock Week was my favorite performance night of the season. From the thunderously epic lows of Jordin Sparks to the revolutionary, flip-the-script Blake Lewis performance. We got some surprise skills from resident pro Dr. Melinda Doolittle and a return to form from a soon-to-be departed LaKisha. Even Phil got on my good side, though that had more to do with the song choice and a lot less to do with the fact that he patently refuses to cover his gihugenormous noggin (he sings a cowboy song and doesn’t wear a ten gallon hat? L-A-M-E). I didn’t think JBJ brought anything particularly new to the mentor role (he pretty much just aped J.Lo), but it was great to see him actually playing with the singers (and even taking over in parts where they needed help. Ahem, Chris!). The night, more than anything, was about the lasting appeal of Bon Jovi’s music, and if the quality of the performances is any indication, that appeal will extend for many more years to come. I can’t wait to see him perform on the results show (would it kill him to give us a little Slippery When Wet medley-action?).
As stated before, I’ve decided to recap the show week-to-week and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the Wednesday night results show.
Let’s break it down, bloop bloop style!
1. Blake Lewis – Remember the way Jon was hesitant about Jordin’s version of “Living on a Prayer”, and how he minced words about how much he thought it sucked? The way he soft-peddled Blake’s adventurous take on arguably Bon Jovi’s biggest hit was the complete opposite of that. Paula was right; you could see how much he enjoyed seeing his song taken to such extremes. American Idol is more about the performance than about the singing, which is half the reason Blake is still in the competition. More than anyone else this year, and possibly of the shows ENTIRE run, Blake understands how to maximize his performance, how to make them bigger than the vocal, bigger than the song and most importantly, bigger than everyone else. He knows how to sell; he’s THAT good of a performer. The other reason he’s still around (and currently in the lead, yes, in front of Melinda) is that he’s not only exceedingly talented, but also keenly aware of what he is capable of. I don’t know how much of a leap of faith it really was. That was just a flat out GREAT rendition of a song we’ve probably heard and sung in bars hundreds of times. I loved it. I loved it so much I watched twice. It was so good that he’s beyond no bloops tonight. I’m actually going to give him a half-bloop bonus NEXT week. Such was the love he engendered in me tonight. If Blake ends up winning American Idol (and at the moment that is a very real possibility), this performance will be the reason why.
2. Melinda Dolittle – Sweet sassy molassey, that girl can rock! The one week you’d think she’d falter and she crushes it. How is it possible that she’s this good? She tells Jon Bon Jovi, the American King of Modern Rock, that she doesn’t know his genre and twenty minutes later he adopts her into the band! Unbelievable. She worked that stage like it was a 1986 arena tour and the speakers went to eleven. I loved the tank top, the angry hair, the attitude, and most of all, that she got me to care about a Bon Jovi song that wasn’t originally recorded before my Bar Mitzvah. On any other night she’d be at the top of the list without question, but despite how awesome she was, Blake stole the show. I am very much looking forward to seeing these two titans go at it at the end of the month. It’s going to be a superfight by the second half of the finale, with both singers barely able to even lift their mic. As soon as the credits roll on the season the producers are gonna whisk them to the hospital like the end of Rocky. I can’t wait. Yo Seacrest, I did it!
3. Phil Stacey – Phil and JBJ. It’s the chrome dome versus the classic shag. I wonder who came out on top (HINT: Go with the guy who doesn’t look like an alien)? I think it says a lot about Phil that he claims he practiced a Young Guns 2 Soundtrack song for fifteen years. He apparently never chose “Living on a Prayer” or “Wanted: Dead or Alive” when he would go karaoke. No no, he wanted what Billy the Kid got. Admittedly, I love the song and the movie it’s attached to, but c’mon, of all the Bon Jovi songs to crush on, you chose the title track from an Emilio Estevez joint? I just don’t get it, why is America voting for this guy? Ah yes, I remember, because he panders. Starting in the crowd, giving the sex eyes to random girls, mad dogging Simon like you do when you want to engender “ooohs”, rockstar pose on the catwalk, fist-bumping Randy. All that was missing from his desperation plea was a couple finger guns and Phil rocketing free t-shirts into the crowd like he was a Laker girl (fortunately Paula already loves him so this wasn’t necessary). Even Ryan, the king of fake sincerity, is all “Dude, calm your shit. Everyone knows you’re a poser. And I know of posers.” All annoyance aside, I actually liked the vocal. And maybe the decade and a half of practice actually paid off, because he seemed in control, confident and passionate. He was into it; check the tape for the sweat on his bat boy noggin as an example of how hard he worked it. If he didn’t try SO hard to be liked and didn’t have such an awful neck stump, I might actually be on his side. But as for the grade, the boy rocked it to a Young Guns 2 clip, like he gets anything more than a one-bloop.
4. LaKisha Jones – I love that her reference point for Bon Jovi was Oprah. That pretty much sums up Bon Jovi’s current place of importance on LaKisha’s iPod. As for the performance, I have to dock her points for not doing a recognizable track, and then ding her a few more for choosing Bon Jovi’s only soul song. Like she couldn’t go on a limb and TRY to rock out? She’s not winning the competition so why not take the risk? She might not have got my vote, but she would have gotten my respect. Despite all that, however, I dug the vocal. It started out iffy (natch), but she picked it up in the middle (culminating with the power note squat), and really brought it home in the end. She showed a remarkable level of passion and interest, considering how checked out she’s been the last month. And for a few seconds there I kinda thought I could see a world where she was the Next American Idol. But only for a few seconds. Add that miasma of LaKisha commentary together and what do you get? One and half bloops and a decidedly pleased recapper. And that’s all without going into SIMON LITERALLY MAKING OUT WITH HER. I think we can kiss his objectivity goodbye. Sheesh.
5. Chris Richardson – Since he brought it up, I went back and watched Chris Daughtry do “Wanted: Dead or Alive” for comparisons sake. And what I found was that there was no comparison. Daughtry, without the house band and the studio audience and the stage production thoroughly crushed the Finalist hoopla-enhanced Chris R. There was nothing new there, and on a night when Blake completely flipped the script, doing nothing is a death knell. I was bored, and I’ll bet so was America. I wish there was something more I can offer here, but there isn’t. There just wasn’t anything to his four minutes of tape, beyond a guy singing a song that’s been sung better before. Two-bloops and a peace out, Chris R. Sorry you couldn’t ever escape the Timberlake crutch.
6. Jordin Sparks – Jon Bovi isn’t the worst actor in the world, but when he even can’t keep a straight face over the suckitude that is Jordin singing “Livin On A Prayer” you know something horrible is about to happen. And boy did it ever. The house band overpowered her from the word go, she undersold the FIRST lyric and the stench of uncertainty permeated in the studio like Keanu Reeves ramping up to do a Shakespearean soliloquy. She wasn’t fast enough with the lyrics, she definitely wasn’t loud enough and she didn’t even attempt to understand what the song is about. If the goal was to make it her own, she did the complete opposite of that. Just a total failure on all fronts except “Kick Ass Frizzy Hair”. Why did she think she could do this particular song? “It’s My Life” would have been MUCH better, and she would have crushed “Always”. I have to blame her age for this, as ANYONE over the age of 21 has sung this song roughly 623 times at parties, weddings and karaoke joints across the country, and KNOWS how to rock it. I think the clue was when she told Jon that her Mom grew up with the band. This just wasn’t her music; it was over her head. My problem is that if she knew she was gonna tank, as Paula pointed out, then why did she go with it? At this stage in the game she should have known better. A disappointing two and a half bloops for Jordin (though she’ll be safe this week).
Bottom Three: There won’t be an official one this week. Ryan will make two groups of three and boot one person from each one. But if there was a bottom three it would probably be Chris Richardson, Jordin Sparks and LaKisha Jones.
My Prediction For Who Gets The Axe: Chris Richardson and LaKisha Jones
Bangarang!
