The Jay » Grading the American Idol Top 4 On The Tivo Multi-Bloop Scale

American Idol Top 6

The herd has been thinned, the discarded chum chucked to the sharks, and all that is left is the top sirloin. By all accounts, the Top 4 is the best Top 4 in American Idol history. Each performer is talented, professional and for the most part, marketable. There isn’t a Sanjaya Malakar, Jasmine Trias or Constantine Maroulis in the bunch. No matter what the theme over the next few weeks, this foursome can be counted to deliver solid, entertaining performances.

Which just makes the show so goddamn boring!

Where’s the wild card? I hated Phil the Alien as much as the next guy, but at least he brought something off-kilter to the proceedings. Like you weren’t sure what he was doing there, but you’d pay attention just in case he unleashed the awesome might of his extra terrestrial powers. I need that kind of surprise. I need Elliot Yamin in there, singing so hard his head might explode like the girl on House last night. I need crazy shucking and jiving from Taylor Hicks, hypnotizing America into making him the next American Idol instead of the knock-out brunette with the powerhouse voice and the Jessica Rabbit body. Heck, after watching last nights pulse-less show, I would have been content seeing Antonella up there doing her skanky thing.

American Idol thrives off of lunacy. Performers that don’t belong, wildly poor song choices, and outfits and hairstyles that scream “To The Watercooler”! We’re not getting that this year. Instead we just get stupid quality singers. How boring. My ears may be pleased, but my adrenaline gland is as dead as Jason Statham at the end of Crank. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss Sanjaya.

We’re changing things up a bit this week. I’m not going to be grading the singers on their bloop worthiness. They were all relatively “meh”, so instead I’m going to be grading them on how fun they are to actually watch. Grading them on their performance more than their voice. The BeeGees after all, are much more fun to watch then they are to hear. The confluence of the crazy facial hair, the blindingly white polyester jumpsuits, the coifs, and those crazy cool medallions, as well as actually seeing that voice come out of Barry Gibb elevates the group to a level of true pop art. And I was especially happy it was BeeGee’s night because it gives me the opportunity to show possibly the best thing Jimmy Fallon will ever do in his entire life (it would have been JT’s as well, until Andy Samberg got the brilliant idea to put his dick in a box). I’m speaking of course about The Barry Gibb Talk Show. Take a watch and have a laugh.

Awesome.

If the real Barry Gibb was even ¼ as fantastic as that clip, I knew I’d be in for a great night. My expectations were not met. He didn’t unleash a high kick, his chest hair was covered up and I didn’t see even one crazy cool medallion. He was nice enough to the kids, and I always enjoy when the artist sings along with the Idol during rehearsals, but I wanted the Barry from SNL, not the old, slightly befuddled, missing his fast ball Barry that we got. If J.Lo is the top and Peter Noone is the bottom, Barry Gibb was hovering next to Tony Bennett as far as this season’s mentors are concerned.

As far as the performances, I was hoping to see a bit of BeeGee-esque chaotic awesomeness (especially from Blake), but was sadly denied the pleasure. I blame the gender balance. Too many divas, not enough immature guys. You can’t tell me Chris Richardson or Phil Stacey wouldn’t have been A LOT more fun to see strutting around on stage, than LaKisha’s misguided attempt to Blakify “Staying Alive”. Blake gets by because of his production skills; it’s not just him on the stage with a mic, it’s also the lights, the strobes, the reverb, and the house band. The girls just get up there and belt, there’s no pizzazz to it. It’s the BeeGee’s for godsakes! Make it crazy! The show needed more falsettos. Chris’s nasal voice would have been PERFECT for this week. And again, as I said before, at least in terms of last night, I missed Sanjaya Malakar.

Let’s jump right to the grades.

1. Jordin Sparks – She didn’t try to overdo the song, she kept the melody relatively intact, and she delivered a controlled, beautiful vocal. For the first performance anyway. The second song was a bit out of her league, but she acquitted herself better than the rest of the Idolists. I like that she didn’t let the band or production overwhelm her (as she did on JBJ night), and that she modeled her look on the type of songs she was singing (classy dresses and slick, straight hair). Jordin is either great or lazy depending on the night, an attitude that fits her age but may lose her points next week. I’m not sure if she can top Blake AND Melinda to get into the finals, but if the first performance of last night were any indication (not to mention Barry’s hyperbole about her), she’s going to pull an upset next week (and maybe the week after that).

Grade: A

2. Melinda Doolittle – Things you are never going to get from Melinda: dancing, spazzing out, a view of her neck, sloppy vocals, real risk. Paula keeps asking for Melinda to wow her, but it’s not going to happen. Melinda can sing just about any song she wants and pull it off convincingly (heck, Tony Bennett wanted to marry her and JBJ asked her to join Bon Jovi), but the assimilation stops at the vocal. She’s not going to dance like Paula Abdul, vogue like Madonna, rooster dance like Mick Jagger, throw a guitar like a hard rocker, or stage dive like an idiot. She’s gonna walk out on that stage and belt. And it’s going to sound great every time. That’s Melinda in a nutshell. You know what you’re going to get, and that’s ok. She sounded just fine last night, but it was no different than five or six performances I’ve seen of her this season. I still think she’s the winner, and the judges seem ready to crown her already and hit the beach, but she’s certainly not the most electrifying of artists. Then again, what’s better, the high risk flash and dazzle of Blake, or the poised perfection of Melinda? I guess it depends on your mood. And I’m willing to bet America is in the mood for perfection come the end of May.

Grade: B+

3. Blake Lewis: The great thing about Blake is that he’s always operating on the razor’s edge. He pushes his limits and tests his audience. Yes, Paula was right in saying that he can do the beatboxing because he can, but the better answer is that he does it because no one has said they don’t like it. He’s only been in one bottom three all year (Melinda has never been in the bottom three, just by the by); it’s a testament to the audience’s appreciation for his musicality. Even though I don’t always like his style of singing (his voice is a bit weak, and he uses his dancing and beatboxing as a distraction from it), I always enjoying watching him. He’s definitely the best performer American Idol has ever seen, but he’s also definitely not the best singer. He wouldn’t have last this far against Bo and Carrie. Fantasia has him beat on watchability. Clay outnerds him. And I bet Taylor and McPhee would have taken him down also. Does he make the finals? I think so. No one wants to see a Melinda vs. Jordin diva off. But if I were voting, it wouldn’t be for him. I’ll buy his first album, but I wouldn’t pick him as the next American Idol.

Grade: B-

4. LaKisha Jones: Part of the reason I changed up the formula this week is because there really isn’t any tension as to who’s getting kicked off. Everyone knows it’s time for LaKisha to get back to her kid. She was back to the shrieking, as Simon pointed out. And now that all the boys are gone, she is vulnerable to the audience love for Melinda and Jordin. There hasn’t been much keeping her around these last few weeks other than people more deserving of getting kicked off. She’s not as controlled as Melinda, not as raw and passionate as Jordin and not as fun as Blake. She brings nothing to the finale fun. I’ll miss the potential live hardcore sex between her and Simon if she had won the whole shebang, but sometimes the potential is better than the reality.