As is tradition at TheJay.com, we’d like to take the time to honor and celebrate the birth of celebrity off-spring. And there’s no better way to do that then by supposing what some other big name celebrities might be saying to the proud, new parents. And by new parents I mean just Julia Roberts. Except of course when the paparazzi are around, then that also includes her charming civilian husband Danny Moder. Since the birth of Julia’s new baby boy Henry came in so under the wire that most people still haven’t realized it actually happened a week ago (hey, the Paris machine doesn’t stop for anything, least of all the third kid of an aging American Sweetheart. Unless the kid came out with three arms, or black, we’d rather hear what Paris is reading in jail. Her thoughts on the Harry Potter series are quite illuminating), we’re gonna follow suit with this post, seven days after the fact. This way we get to honor two traditions, the birth of a celebrity baby and procrastination!

So congratulations to Julia, Danny and baby Henry from all of us here at TheJay.com! May you’re poorly-named twins not maim you in your sleep for giving the new kid such an easy moniker. Mazel Tov!

On to the celebrity well-wishes…

George Clooney: Julia, don’t take it personal that we left you out of the new Ocean’s movie because you were rabidly annoying in the las- I mean, because you were so pregnant. We just didn’t want to bother you in your time of glowing motherhood. Also, you never let me bring whores on set. And you know that’s what I need to begin my creative process. And with Pitt warming up to Angelina every morning, I needed something equally as… creative in my trailer. You understand, right?

Phinnaeus Roberts: Henry? Fucking Henry? You saddled with me a name Shakespeare would have junked and the new kid gets HENRY??!! I am so smearing peanut butter on the plasma screen.

Brad Pitt: Don’t believe a word of what George said. I’m the reason we dropped you and made Ellen Barkin the only chick on set. Angie made me sign a contract saying I’d only work with women who look like dudes. I argued hard to include you on that list, but you just never win when faced with the choice of not getting to have sex with Angelina Jolie. I’m sorry. And congratulations. I hope you’re enjoying all your three of your beautiful Caucasian, totally belonging to you by blood kids. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take the black one to pre-school before I go to the set. I’m shooting a love scene with Rhea Perlman today. (sighs) … totally worth it!

Eric Roberts: Congratulations, sis! I’m so proud of you. You are going to be as wonderful a Mother as you have been a Sister. Um… so now that I kissed your ass, can you like, get me work? I have a pretty big house payment due at the end of the month and Emma won’t give me a bigger allowance.

Richard Gere: Julia, about your new baby boy. It corners like it’s on rails.

Matthew Perry: Could my television show BE any more cancelled! So yeah, congrats on the third kid. Sorry it never worked out between us. What with you being the biggest movie star in the world at the time and me being on a show people actually liked, you’d think it would have worked. Course Brad and Jennifer disproved that theory. Whoa, just think, if we had gotten together, there’s a chance I’d be banging Angelina Jolie and starring in stuff people don’t find soul-crushingly pretentious, and you’d be mirthlessly dating Vince Vaughn. Life, huh? Could it BE any more random!

Sandra Bullock: I just don’t understand. We’re equally lovable on-screen performers. I’m arguably more attractive. I made just as cloying a Hugh Grant romcom. So why aren’t I an incredibly beloved Oscar winner who gets to make movies with George and Brad? How come I’m stuck making mediocre thrillers with the idiot from Nip/Tuck, while you’re having Sunday brunch with freaking Oprah?! I don’t get it! Is it because I did movies with three of your ex boyfriends? I’m sorry. Please don’t sick Dakota on me!

Clive Owen: You gave birth. That’s the spirit. Congrats. Congrats for your bravery. Now fuck off and die, you fucked up slag! Love to the twins.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Darling, how are you! And the baby, so precious! Oh, what it must have been like to conceive with such a strapping young man. And with so many abdominal muscles! Michael hasn’t had those since the 70’s. When I was eight. (start tearing up) I apologize, Julie bird, I’ve just had a rough go of it lately. Spielberg won’t take my calls, Soderbergh refused to put me in Ocean’s Thirteen. I mean, Ellen Barkin instead of us! You’re pregnant and bitchy, but me? I’m GORGEOUS and bitchy! Now I have to go promote this god awful movie I made with Aaron stupid Eckhart! And the girl in the movie isn’t even Dakota Fanning. This is my penance for agreeing to do the Zorro sequel.

Hazel Roberts: Henry? You named him Henry? That’s such an easy name! Why again am I Hazel? Why did I get some stupid witch name and the new boy gets an All-American one? I am so making you a grandmother when I turn 12.

Emma Roberts: Congratulations, Auntie Julia. I just wanted to remind you of our deal. You keep these little rats out of my limelight and I’ll keep my no good idiot father out of yours. I gotta go, press tour for my new smash non-hit Nancy Drew! See you at Thanksgiving!

Dakota Fanning: Is she bothering you, Aunt Julia? Would you like me to take care of her? Lord knows I want to. Nancy Drew should have been mine! MINE! I need to shoot someone RIGHT NOW! Dammit, where did I put my uzi?

Keifer Sutherland: Julia, I came to see the baby. (Pulls a gun.) WHERE’S THE BABY???? You have five seconds to tell me where the baby is or I will shoot your civilian husband in his non-famous leg. TELL ME WHERE HE IS!!!!! 5! 4! (cocks gun) 3! 2! Oh wait, there he is. Didn’t see him there in the crib. Very cute, Jules!

Rachel McAdams: I’ve been noticing that all the other would be Next Julia’s tend to make movies with your former male co-stars or boyfriends. Since I’m the real heir to the throne I’m not going to fall into the same trap (Dermot Mulroney doesn’t count, because, well, please. It’s Dermot Mulroney.). That being said, if you go near my Ryan, even for a cameo in something, I will kill your first born daughter. I am not playing around. I secretly ruined Sandra Bullock’s career and I can do the same to you. I’m Canadian and I am not afraid of Dakota Fanning.

Danny Moder: Hi, honey! It’s me, Danny, your husband! Just wanted to see when I could swing by and take a look at my new son. So, uh, call me or have your publicist call me if you prefer, and just let me know when the paparazzi are there so I can show up with someone cute. And I promise to color match you this time. I know now how important that is to you. Oh, on a related note, that burn mark you gave me when you lit an US Magazine and threw it at my head, finally went away. It only took two skin graphs. So yeah, good news for everyone!

Bangarang!

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