It’s one thing when a celebrity releases a poor excuse for unruly behavior directly after the incident. People are asking questions and publicists want to give them white-washed answers. Often times those answers are stupid and nonsensical, written to cling to some inane image of purity. Those excuses are lame, they know and we know it, but we let it go because it is what it is. Hell, the real excuse almost 100% of the time is that they were drunk or high. And I still maintain that just saying that would be enough; it would be more relatable and forgiven then any fake excuse ever could.

But it’s quite another thing when a celebrity inexplicably comments on an incident that happened weeks or months ago, and gives an even stupider excuse for their actions. That’s just TomKat levels of publicity mismanagement. Yesterday, Britney Spears wrote a message on her website responding to the incident earlier this year where she attacked a paparazzo’s car with an umbrella. She never said anything at the time, and frankly we didn’t need her to. She had just shaved her head, was in-between bouts of rehab and it was just generally assumed she had jumped the couch. But apparently Britney felt it was necessary to “repair” her batshit craziness with an even more batshit crazy excuse.

Here’s what she said:

“I apologize to the pap for a stunt that was done 4 months ago regarding an umbrella. I was preparing my character for a roll in a movie where the husband never plays his part so they switch places accidentally. I take all my rolls very seriously and got a little carried away. Unfortunately I didn’t get the part.”

A good rule of thumb for any excuse is to never say anything that prompts additional questions. Another rule of thumb: don’t be an idiot. Both rules are violated pretty severely in Britney’s statement. She was preparing for a “roll” (sic, obviously)? One, no one pays her to act. Not now, not ever. Two, what role could she possibly have been preparing for? The Angelina Jolie role in Girl Interrupted 2: Celebritard Interrupted? Was she angling for a spot in the V For Vendetta sequel “U For Umbrella”? She hadn’t been attractive or creatively relevant for nearly four years (if she ever really was), and now she’s breaking into movies? I think she may have confused the phrase “preparing for a role in a movie” with “whatever the Klonozopan says is what I do”. Not to mention, when has it ever been a man’s role to repeatedly hit a stranger’s car with an umbrella? Is that a country western thing I’m not aware of?

Even if we go out on an extremely tenuous limb and believe she was preparing for a role, the plot of the movie is so ludicrously stupid, that even Bret Ratner was like “Yeah, me and this random club skank I’m harassing call shenanigans on that shit.” Didn’t they stop making “switching roles” movies in the 80’s when we all realized the consequence of cocaine use was Judge Reinhold? Methinks Britney couldn’t figure out how to get Freaky Friday out of the DVD player and it slowly warped her brain, Clockwork Orange-style.

“I was going through post-partum depression and could not get a handle on my mood. I’m working to correct this, and hope that my plight will serve as a boon for women who are privately suffering from this oppression to get the help they need to repair their lives. Thank you for your understanding, and I apologize again for harm or discomfort I may have caused”.

That’s my suggestion for what she should have said. It’s concise, to the point, gets you the next cover of People Magazine, Brooke Shields becomes your best friend, and now you can start getting some real sympathy. It works well for everyone and squashes that week of craziness for good. But I’m not a trained PR flack, so what do I know?

If this was her excuse, what were the ones thrown out? Because you know her people sat around a conference room throwing out ideas for how to “handle” this, and after the fourteenth Red Bull waterfall they pulled “preparing for a movie role” out of their asses and went to sushi to celebrate their genius. If I was a fly on the wall of that urgent meeting, here is what I bet some of the discarded excuses were:

• “Kevin triple-dog dared me to do it, and as you are all aware, the rules of “Dare” clearly state that the daree MUST perform the darer’s dare upon invocation of the triple-dog. So as you can clearly see, I had no choice.”

• “I was helping my sister Jamie-Lynn with a science experiment for her health class. We were studying the effects of craziness in an unstable Celebritard. As it stands, the results were inconclusive. But she did get a C+, best grade the Spears family has ever received.”

• “That’s not what you do with an umbrella? Huh. Well, what’s it for, then?”

• “I am actually a closet soccer hooligan. Liverpool had a match coming up against Sheffeld United and I needed to step up my hooliganism. You gotta stay sharp during Premiere League, cause those United fans are major tossers!”

• “It’s possible I’m not very bright. My doctors are looking into it. I’m hoping the results are positive.”

• “Lindsay, Paris and I were having a competition to see who could act the craziest without getting in trouble. I was losing and needed a quick score. The attack put me back in first, but Lindsay ended up winning when she crashed her car and passed out. Paris made a valiant attempt for a last-minute win with that whole jail thing, but you just can’t beat “useable amounts of cocaine” as a headline. Lindsay is like the Michael Jordan of competitive Celebritard stupidity.”

• “It wasn’t me, it was the one-armed man!”

• “I decided to switch roles models. Instead of Madonna, I am now following the merits and advice of renowned sane person, Courtney Love. Please allow for some inefficiency during this transitional period.”

• “I love lamp!”

• My loneliness is killing me, and I, I must confess I still believe (still believe). When I’m not with you I lose my mind, give me a sign, Hit me baby one more time!

Britney, next time, just make like Scott Glenn in Backdraft and let it go.

Bangarang!

Bangarang!

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