If Celebrities Were Transformers

In many ways celebrities are exactly like Transformers. They may walk through the day in their “civilian” form, but when the time comes they transform into all manner of characters (doctors, lawyers, cowboys, the pervert from Happiness played by Phillip Seymour Hoffman; which should not be confused with the pervert he played in Boogie Nights. Or Capote.). Their livelihood is predicated on the audience believing their transformation. And their ability to do so convincingly is what makes us love them. This is why the success of Michael Bay’s Transformers is not at all surprising. Audiences want to see transformation, whether in celebrity or robot form (it also helps that in robot form they blow a bunch of shit up and fight each other. Also, long lingering shots of Megan Fox’s abs doesn’t hurt.). We want to watch an epic spectacle of people overcoming obstacles, growing up in the face of adversity, finding love, becoming better people, and long lingering shots of Megan Fox’s abs. Transformers has all of those things, plus occasionally big fucking robots fight each other.

Watching the flick got me thinking about what I’d want to transform into. I doubt I’d pick a vehicle, just because I’m not that big a fan of cars, I have no interest to be around other cars (especially on a LA freeway), and I’m not exactly practical should the need arise to transform into my robot self and I got a car full of people (unless I wanted to crush the hell out of them, but then I’d have blood all over my paint job and that’s not cool. You cannot get blood off of leather, I’ve tried.). I’d rather be something cool like the Decepticon who transforms into the CD player. I’m completely invisible in a room, I don’t call attention to myself, I can choose not to play country music and when I want to do some nefarious shit, no one suspects the dinky Sony with the broken six-disc changer to transform into this bad ass little robot that can hack the planet Zero Cool-style. Or maybe I’d just transform into Dakota Fanning, so not only would I be a well-respected young actor with limitless potential, but I’d also be an infamous, exceedingly lethal Master Assassin. Also I’d be blonde, and that looks like fun.

Whenever I pull a J.D. from Scrubs and start daydreaming absurdist pop culture scenarios (like really, where would I hide all my body hair if I transformed into Dakota Fanning? Precocious child stars do not look like tiny manscaped clones of Robin Williams.), I like to extend my imagination into the realm of celebrity. As soon as I started picturing myself becoming the tiny star of Uptown Girls, I was flooded with thoughts about what celebrities might transform into, besides the characters they play on-screen.

Here’s what I came up with (categorized in proper Tranformers good vs. evil groups):

The Celebrity Autobots

- Owen Wilson transforms into a majestic Butterscotch Stallion.
- Matthew McConaughey transforms into a pair of smelly, well-worn board shorts.
- John Travolta transforms into a sexually ambiguous 747 with unreasonably thick hair and no ability to recognize quality screenplays.
- Paul Walker transforms into a less talented Keanu Reeves.
- Keanu Reeves transforms into Dr. Lancelot Ware, founder of Mensa.
- Nicole Kidman transforms into a smooth, contoured block of ice (but can still perform as a kick ass Moulin Rouge hooker, should the need arise).
- Jack Black transforms into the McDonald’s Grimace (and as we know, nothing can kill the Grimace).
- George Clooney transforms into a bulk-size tin of Dapper Dan Pomade (he doesn’t want Fop, he wants Dapper Dan. He’s a Dapper Dan man!).
- Demi Moore doesn’t transform as she’s always in her altered form, that of the Mighty Cougar.
- Julia Roberts transforms into a king-size box of Peppermint Chiclets.
- Sam Jackson transforms into an F-Bomb.

The Celebrity Decepticons

- Tom Cruise transforms into an anti-depressant (irony!).
- Lindsay Lohan transforms into a bottomless glass Red Bull & Vodka.
- Paris Hilton transforms right back into Paris Hilton (why would a Decepticon of her power and magnitude have a need to transform into anything else?).
- George Lucas transforms into an Avid Bay capable of malevolently manipulating your favorite movie scenes of all-time.
- Mel Gibson transforms into a giant, luscious pair of sugartits (that just so happen to hate Jews).
- Orlando Bloom transforms into a bowl of bland brown rice.
- Pamela Anderson transforms into a hyper-virulent strain of Herpes Simplex B.
- Sharon Stone transforms into Sharon Stone circa 1989.
- Steven Seagal transforms into a beached whale. Wait, strike that, he just looks like he transformed into a beached whale. My mistake.
- Dane Cook transforms into a bad joke.

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)