I’m now in the awkward life position of watching my childhood treasures get tampered with by ill-conceived big screen remakes. All the majesty and warmth I feel for the shows that got me through adolescence is being tainted by remakes that are tolerable to say the most and complete shitbags to say the least. I’m angry that new generations are viewing the remake as definitive, and not the classic TV show that it inspired it. Now I know what the baby boomers must feel like, watching Mark Wahlberg and Thandie Newton in that horrible Charade remake or Jude Law smarming his way through the Alfie redo.

Moreover, there’s an inherent problem to remaking or adapting TV shows from the 70’s and 80’s: the shows weren’t that good. And updating it for a modern audience just reinforces the fact that what I thought was great as a kid was actually total crap. I don’t want to be told I was stupid for liking a show about a cat-eating alien with a penis nose living with a suburban family. Or that just maybe Saved By The Bell wasn’t the best depiction of high school life ever committed to print.

Shows like Alf, He-Man, Transformers, et al were created by people on drugs. And drug shows don’t make any sense to anyone but stoners and little kids (which explains by the best cartoon on TV right now is about a sponge who lives in a pineapple at the bottom of the sea). A single 30-something guy who raises three chipmunks that record music and get into wacky hijinks? That’s one of the stupidest ideas I’ve ever heard, and yet I love Alvin and the Chipmunks. Do I think it needs a big screen remake? Not at all, and yet, here it comes.

I shiver at the memory of the legendary Raul Julia fighting Jean Claude Van Damme in Street Fighter: The Movie in his last screen performance. I shudder at the thought of Dennis Hopper sliming it up as King Koopa in the Super Mario Bros movie. And I loathe everything that is Garfield: The Movie, especially the inclusion of Bill Murray. Those movies suck because cartoons and video games never make sense! They were popular because they had fun toys that went along with the show, they weren’t paradigms of story construction. Why would I watch a horribly animated show about space cats fighting mummies if I couldn’t get the Thundercats Sword of Omens and swing it at my older brother? Producers are confused by what sold those ideas. It was the merchandise, not the concept.

Michael bay’s Transformers works because he turned the concept into pure spectacle. Independent of its ludicrous plot, the remake is a purely visceral experience; watching those robots duke it out in downtown LA, you could care less that you’re watching a remake of an 80’s cartoon about martian robots transforming into automotive vehicles. And like Bay’s Transformers, some remakes can work. With the right mix of camp, tradition, respect and originality, you can make a watchable remake of an 80’s property. But it’s not easy. The list is basically Masters of the Universe (cause Dolph Lundgren fucking rules), the first TMNT movie (with Corey Feldman voicing Donatello), Bay’s Transformers and that’s it. I have no desire to see that list attempt to be expanded by a Voltron, Thundercats, Ducktales, Smurfs, or Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. And yet, here we are.

I can’t begin to explain how wrong it is to make an Alvin and the Chipmunks live-action movie without my head exploding, and since there’s no trailer or production stills to look at, I’m going to focus my rage on the movie poster. So while I shake my head at the disintegration of my glorious Saturday morning cartoons-watching memories, here are ten things (and it could have been more) that are completely wrong about the poster for the inevitably shitty remake of Alvin and the Chipmunks, due out this Christmas.

1. Were gonna hold off for just a second on why the Chipmunks look like reject extras from one of Jamie Kennedy’s billion different stupid wigger movies, and ask why the eff Alvin in a hoodie? Is he supposed to be Eminem here? Is he gonna rap about slitting Jeanette’s throat and driving around L.A. with her in the front seat? Is he gonna date Brittany Murphy? I’m so confused. IIRC, Alvin was pretty OCD about his hat. It was his pride and joy, he never took it off. In fact, didn’t he yell about people to “NEVER… TOUCH… THE… CAP?” What’s he gonna say about the hoodie? “DON’T…PULL…MY…HOODIE…DOWN?” Lame change #463 of 1001 for the Alvin and the Shitmunks movie.

2. So wait, the Chipmunks are rappers now? How is that a good idea? It’s hard enough trying to sell the idea of three chipmunks speaking English, let alone having American Idol-quality singing voices, now you’re telling me that Jason Lee is gonna be an aspiring Hip-Hop producer who makes the Chipmunks into a furrier, PG-version of Naughty By Nature? Um… is cocaine making a comeback in writer’s rooms and someone didn’t tell me? Is that how the Geiko Cavemen got a sitcom deal?

3. If Alvin is the Eminem of the group, what does that make Simon and Theodore? Snoop and Dr. Dre? Cause it would be pretty awesome if Simon started getting mad high, throwing up gang signs and reppin’ the LBC.

4. For all the good Jason Lee did in his early career (Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Almost Famous, naming his kid Pilot Inspektor), he is now, for better or for worse, inherently tied to his role as Earl Hickey. I can’t watch Dogma anymore without wondering why he isn’t rocking the stache (of course I can’t watch Dogma much at all, cause it doesn’t hold up. Tell me again why Linda Fiorentino has a career? She’s like the homeless person’s Demi Moore.). Seeing him clean shaven, nudging into the poster frame, is completely ungainly. He’s the well-respected star of a hit sitcom, why is he fourth billed in a fucking Chipmunk movie? What did he do that got him demoted to the level of Breckin Meyer?

5. Where are Brittany and the Chipettes? Even though she was a haughty bitch, Brittany was pretty fly for a six inch cartoon rodent. As far as the list goes, it’s Brittany, the chick squirrel who falls in love with Arthur in Sword in the Stone, and Gadget the oblivious mechanic hottie from Chip ‘n Dale’s Rescue Rangers. If I was so inclined, I’d one up Richard Gere and pre-book OR 1 at UCLA Medical Center, if you know what I mean. I’m just saying, Brittany better be in this movie.

6. Not one interesting voice actor listed anywhere on the poster. At least Garfield had the attraction of wondering why a revitalized Lost in Translation-era Bill Murray was slumming it in a Jennifer Love Hewitt talking cat picture. That was akin to Orson Welles finishing his career playing Unicron in Transformers: The Movie. Except Bill also agreed to do the sequel! The guy makes one film a year and he chooses to voice a CGI cat in a flick NO ONE wanted to see. They must have backed up the Brinks truck and dumped a half ton of gold bullion and a bakers dozen worth of strippers from the Las Vegas Crazy Horse onto his front lawn. And he wonders why he didn’t get an Oscar nod for Broken Flowers.

7. The chipmunks themselves look way creepy. I’m not a fan of photo-realistic animation when it comes to animals. I like them to look a little cartoon-y. When you get near the point of life-like it becomes awkward to watch them talk and get into wacky shenanigans. Seeing an intentionally CGI Garfield is one thing, but the filmmakers are making it seem like the Chipmunks are supposed to look real. It’s a mistake. Alvin doesn’t so much look like a chipmunk as he does a really obnoxious Persian guy in a hoodie. Simon doesn’t look intelligent or nearly annoyed enough at Alvin. And Theodore looks like he’s holding a joint. Then again, if they’re making this a pot comedy, I might be for it. Samson Simpson, if I wasn’t a chipmunk, then why would I be wearing this hat?

8. Now that I’ve spent time thinking about the poster, the movie and the show, I cannot get the goddamn theme song out of my head. Alvin, Simon, Theodore! Do Do, Dodododo, Do Do, Dodododo! I may need to hit up the new Bravery single right quick, or else I’m libel to drill a hole in my head, Pi-style.

9. I can’t stress this enough, they’re in freaking FUBU gear! How is that a good idea? Why are kids gonna want to see this? Why are 20-something’s who grew up on this cartoon gonna appreciate the change? Unless Alvin fights a big fucking robot at the end of Act Three while Megan Fox rubs her abs in the background, I’m not interested.

10. You know how I want to spend the birthday of the dear lord baby Jesus? Not opening presents or spending time with my family. Not drinking some eggnog by a fire or shredding a mountain on my snowboard. It’s not seeing the new Aaron Sorkin movie with Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts. It’s not catching the National Treasure sequel featuring the unintentional comedy of Nic Cage’s attention whore toupee. And it’s definitely not seeing the new Wes Anderson movie that I’m sure to love so much I’ll own the Criterion Collection DVD of, four seconds after it comes out. It’s none of those things. I want to spend Christmas watching Jason Lee chase around four inch CGI rodents while they un-ironically rock chipmunk bling and spit some phat rhymes. Hoo boy, does that sound like good holiday times!

Can we please start (at least) considering leaving the 80’s alone? I’m all for the return of snap bracelets and new wave music, but maybe it’s for the best that we honor 80’s film and television by mocking it on VH1, and not disgrace it on a thirty foot silver screen.

Bangarang!

CLICK HERE to subscribe to TheJay.com RSS Feed