Let’s get two things straight, right off the bat.

1. Dane Cook is not funny. I will no longer argue about this. It’s not like one of those maybe/maybe not debates like whether Lindsay’s boobs are fake or if Britney cheated on Justin with that Wade Robson d-bag or not. This is fact. It’s science, baby. I have asked people to provide me with samples of his best stuff and it didn’t work. I watched his comedy special and laughed less than five times (That’s a laugh per minute ratio of 1:18. Even dirty joke stealer Carlos Mencia does better than that). I watched Employee of the Month and wanted to rip my own larynx out just so I’d stop involuntarily screaming at the movie to turn on the funny (or at the very least whip out a Jessica Simpson boobie. I mean give us something interesting, please!). And he was the worst part about the tremendously lo-fi comedy, Waiting. He’s just not funny; I dare you to prove me wrong. I double dare. I triple-dog dare. Hell, I’ll even rarely used quadruple-hyena dare you to make him make me laugh. I’ll be writing a 3000 word opus on the merits of Reese Witherspoon before I admit to liking this no-talent assclown.

2. “Jessica Alba” is no longer a reason to see a movie. Men everywhere have finally realized that she’s not getting naked anytime soon, and she’s not compelling enough for us to want to watch with her clothes on (like Angelina Jolie or Megan Fox). We’ve seen about as much as we’re gonna see from her, flesh wise, and I’d venture to bet we’ve seen the apex of her acting skills by now (Honey was a freaking tour-de-force, and Into The Blue was so obviously Oscar Bait). So while she’s great eye candy, she means nothing to me other than I get to bring up how ugly Devon Sawa was in Idle Hands every time I talk about her.

Those two things having been said, and without yet getting to this horrendous poster, why would I ever want to see this movie (Click HERE for the predictably retarded plot outline.)? What reason could there be for me to spend actual real dollars to watch fug nugget Dane Cook try to dry hump the feisty chick from Fantastic Four? Does he get punched in the face a lot? Because that was what got me to watch Ashton Kutcher in Just Married. Does she spend half the movie in a wife beater and boy shorts? Because that’s for damn sure the only reason I sat through Blue Crush (because it wasn’t Kate Bosworth’s charming pluck, I’ll tell you that). Is the movie a radical deconstruction of the boy-meets-girl paradigm that will revolutionize the genre and put shame on the oeuvre of Meg Ryan? Will it change my life like a Shins song?

Yeah, I’m putting my money on “No”. So the movie is already starting in the minus column. Let’s see how much farther down the scale we can go.

I was grossed by this picture in its original form of the John Lennon and Yoko Ono Rolling Stone cover. And while Jessica is a Shaq-sized upgrade in the chick department, a Sunset-tanned Dane Cook isn’t much of an improvement over a doughy Brit. And I am to surmise that the poster is implying that Dane Cook is on the level of quality or talent as John Lennon? One of the greatest musicians to ever live against the dude with the most number of idiot MySpace friends (On an importance scale I’d totally rate the “Superfinger” next to “Imagine”. They’re neck and neck.)? I mean is that even a contest? That’s like pitting Chateau Margot against Boone’s Farm. Or Michael Jordan against the overweight jackass at the gym who hogs the ball and never even hits the rim. Or hello, it’s like comparing John Lennon to freaking Dane Cook! Did someone slip me Mugatu’s crazy pills? Who thought apping that picture was a good idea? Somebody better get fired for this. Seriously.

And a sarcastic golf clap to whomever photoshopped the bejeezus out of this. Jessica looks both like a mannequin and like she was 800 miles away when this picture was taken. Was Dane hugging a pillow and they greenscreened her in? Sure looks that way. If a near-naked Dane Cook was splatting his junk all over your nubile body, would you be serenely smiling? Methinks she was unaware of how they were gonna use her image. Dane looks like he was manscaped within an inch of his life. Like he got the Robin Williams in Hook treatment. And his bicep is just physically wrong. One,he has no definition in his delts or triceps so the concept that his bicep shoots up that high or proud is ludicrous to the moronic power. And two, is the concept that Dane having biceps makes him a movie star? That I’m supposed to like him more because he got a personal trainer? Didn’t work for Jason Biggs, and that guy is actually funny.

Let’s talk about the tagline. “He has to break his curse before she breaks his heart.” Wow, look at that, they did a whole pattern thing there. CLEVER! Look, I get that movies are fiction and that we are supposed to suspend our disbelief. I bought the absurd Shia Labeouf-Megan Fox hook-up in Transformers. I allowed for the possibility that Katherine Hiegl would voluntarily permit Seth Rogen to violate her. And I didn’t even blink watching Adam Sandler degrade Kate Beckinsale in a fast-forward sex scene in Click. But I just can not reconcile Jessica Alba giving this assbutt the time of day. Can’t do it. I know girls like a guy with a sense of humor, but Dane doesn’t have one of those! And he looks like a broke-down Ryan Reynolds, but with less abs. Where’s the attraction? And another thing, as hot as Jessica Alba is, Dane Cook is as proportionally unattractive, thereby making the aesthetic mark of this movie a zero sum game.

The whole affair just gives me the shakes. They are ruining an iconic pop culture image to exploit a Grade-D romcom that even Drew Barrymore would have given the brush off. The stars are worthless, the tagline is inane, and the plot is trite and utterly predictable. Added to that, if given the choice of seeing this or the other movies coming out that week, the Brad Pitt western The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford, the purportedly great Sean Penn-directed Into The Wild, the new Resident Evil Flick, the intriguing Kevin Kline slave trade drama or even the sure to be delightful Amanda Bynes Show White remake, why would anyone choose to watch a fake-tanned Dane Cook chase his dick around for two hours? Call me an optimist, but I think America has more sense that that.

… then again, they did make his dumbass famous in the first place, so anything is possible.

Grade: F+

Bangarang!