Keanu! Barada! Nikto!I work so hard to defend my boy. I go to exaggerated lengths to prove his worth as an actor and man. I end friendships to maintain his honor. I endanger my reputation as an entertainment humorist by writing 3000 word opuses on his merits. I do everything in my power to stop abuse. And then he goes and does something like this.

How I can continue the fight against Keanu haters when the man himself agrees to play an emotion-less space alien named Klaatu (in a remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still)? It’s like he’s asking for it! I can’t defend Renee Zellweger when she plays a dowdy shrewd who squints all the time and look perpetually bitchy. I can’t defend Ben Affleck when he does a crappy Australian accent and trails animal crackers through Liv Tyler’s non-taut belly. How can I be expected to defend Keanu when he plays the exact role all Keanu-haters claim him to be? If he’s gonna Roger Ramjet his tenuous thespian standing into a wall, he might as well go full-force and team up with McConaughey for a weed picture, or play the lead in I Am Sam 2: Whoa, Sam Is Totally I Am.

Couldn’t he just have done another weepy Sandra Bullock flick? I get that he’s remaking an exceedingly well-respected sci-fi classic. And I’m happy that the initial reception has been good. But it just does nothing for the cause. He would have been better served doing another gruff guy coaches inner-city gangbangers to the Whiffleball State Championships or whatever-type movies, where he gets to be all inspirational and shit. Sam Jackson’s practically made a side business out of those, and he’s more typecast than Keanu. At least Keanu can be bought in different genres. Sam Jackson is ALWAYS Sam Muthafuckin’ Jackson. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Here’s the word from Variety on Keanu’s totally non, non non, non non, non-heinous next movie role. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go re-watch Permanent Record and remember why I keep up the crusade.


Reeves committed over the weekend to play Klaatu, a humanoid alien who arrives on Earth accompanied by an indestructible, heavily armed robot and a warning to world leaders that their continued aggression will lead to annihilation by species watching from afar. Erwin Stoff is producing, with Scott Derrickson (”The Exorcism of Emily Rose”) directing from a script by David Scarpa. Reeves’ commitment puts the picture on track for a late fall or early 2008 production start. Studio sees it as a tentpole.


Bangarang!