The Butterscotch Stallion is down!

Yahoo is reporting that The Stallion himself, Mr. Owen Wilson, was rushed to the hospital this weekend for an undisclosed reason. He is in good condition now (his shag was touch and go for awhile), and the entire Wilson family is with him (Luke took time off of his busy schedule of eating whole rolls of raw cookie dough and half-heartedly “acting” in whatever romcom Dane Cook takes a powder on). Though Doctors have yet refused to release the reason for The Stallion’s medical emergency, they have thankfully denied that it was an attempted suicide. This is good news, as though Kate Hudson is not a reason to end your life, seeing her date Dax Sheppard right after you, might be.

We here at The Jay are deeply concerned for the well-being of The Butterscotch Stallion and his shag, and hope he makes a speedy recovery from whatever ailment might be befalling him. Though what that ailment is has been quite the topic of controversy. We know it’s not drugs because he wasn’t admitted for “exhaustion”. And we know it’s not an overdose because The Stallion can’t get chemicals in the shag or it will wilt and he’ll lose all his magical powers. So what could it possibly be? Until we hear an official word from The Stallion’s physician’s we can only speculate. So it’s a good thing we love to do that.

Barring his being the first pregnant man since Arnold Schwarzenegger in Junior, or it being just a simple burst appendix, here’s what a list of what I think he might be suffering from:

• Some nefarious evil-doer replaced his usual ShowSheen Detangler and Conditioner with Pert Plus and decimated the shag’s volume. The airlift to get him to the Stockholm Shag Restoration Center was not immediately available so he called 911 as a temporary solution. The world’s foremost shag-perts (that would be “shag experts”) are currently in-route. The shag is expected to make a full, luscious recovery.

• During an especially hearty lovemaking session with some random bar scazz, Owen took a blow to the face and was surprised to find that his nose was suddenly perfect looking. Fearing a loss to his quirky good looks rep, he rushed to the hospital so that he could have his nose professionally re-broken. He had the schnozz reinforced with titanium, so now no manner of crazy Stallion sex can dislodge the jacked-up cartilage.

• He got some stray shag hair in his eyes and didn’t know what to do. His usual cornerman, Tyson Beckford, was off on a photo shoot, so he rushed to the hospital to have a top surgeon gently blow on his pupil.

• The Shag ran into Tom Hank’s Hair at a party on Saturday and words were exchanged. There was a fierce debate over just which ‘do was the bigger star and unfortunately, the argument devolved into fisticuffs. Tom Hanks’s Hair walked away unscathed, but the shag wasn’t so lucky. You don’t mess with two-time Academy Award winning hair.

• Tried to remove his underwear before taking off his pants, without remembering that that’s not actually possible. When he pulled it off in Zoolander it was movie magic. Damn sneaky movie magic!

• With his dealer on vacation, Owen finally sobered up for the first time since 2003. It was then that he realized, to his dismay, that making Night at the Museum wasn’t just an especially vivid dream about the time he was a midget and Ben Stiller was 19 feet tall. He immediately fainted from shock (and humiliation), and was taken to the hospital as a precaution. Mentioning of that film in his presence is now strictly verboten.

• On the dubious advice of this ashram community he visited during the shooting of The Darjeeling Limited, he went on an all-Butterscotch diet. The nutrition plan backfired on Day 16 and he was rushed to the hospital to get his stomach pumped. Werthers is said to be in negotiations to acquire the contents of the pump to be used as the base of it’s next batch of Werther’s Original Butterscotch candy treat.

• After watching Al Gore’s The Inconvenient Truth on DVD Owen was so distraught about the plight of the environment that he chopped off the shag in an attempt to lower his own eco footprint. The moment the hair hit the floor he realized the mistake he’d made (he’s from Texas and doesn’t give a shit about the environment), and immediately called 911. World-renowned plastic surgeons Sean McNamara and Christian Troy volunteered to reattach the shag pro-bono. The surgery was tawdry and salacious, but successful. The shag is resting comfortably, but is now brooding over the doctors’ question: “Tell me what you don’t like about yourself”.

It remains to be seen what’s in store for the future of The Butterscotch Stallion’s wondrous shag do. TheJay.com will continue to follow The Stallion’s recovery as news updates.

UPDATE: Multiple reports are coming in that Owen did in fact attempt suicide. Let me then reiterate that this post is meant as a work of humor. Black as night, gallows humor, written before these reports came upon, and still before we’ve heard anything official. I would not have fun made of someone’s attempted suicide, especially not someone who’s work, both in writing and acting, I have admired for so long.

Bangarang!