The Scene: Famed movie director Quentin Tarantino is wheel-chaired onto a plane by renowned screen nymph Tiffany Limos. The flight attendant does her best to accommodate QT’s rather repugnant behavior.

The Players: QT, Tiffany Limos, and a Flight Attendant who desperately wishes she had called in sick that day.

INT. AIRPLANE – AIRLINE FLIGHT 544 PHILLIPINES TO LAX – DAY

A pleasant looking female FLIGHT ATTENDANT greets passengers as they board the plane. They pass threw the tiny gateway and trudge along to their seats, not looking forward to the long, cramped flight. Same as it ever was in the world of travel.

Suddenly a HEAD comes into view. It is quite large. Seven seconds later, the body attached to the head comes into view. It is that of derivative and slightly crazy film auteur QUENTIN TARANTINO. He is in a wheelchair being pushed by famed man-eating indie actress TIFFANY LIMOS. QT rolls onto the plane, talking at hyperspeed.

QT: So I was like no, OK, you can’t put your shoes back on, I like paid to see this fucked up shit. I paid to see her feet. Why would I pay to see socks, right? I’m Quentin Tarantino. I’ve seen crazy amounts of feet, celebrity feet, OK, so it’s like an honor for Quentin Tarantino to ask to see your feet, right?

TL: Yes, Quentin.

FLA: Hello sir, welcome aboard.

QT: Yeah, OK, so what’s the in-flight movie, I need to motherfucking know, alright?

FLA: I believe it’s Blades of Glory.

QT: I’ve seen it. I’ve seen every movie ever made. I worked in a video store, OK? How do you not, like, know that! It’s famous information. I’ve made movies about how many movies I’ve seen. The only reason I wrote Jackie Brown was to reference Pam Grier in Foxy Brown and pay homage to the blaxpoitation genre that I grew up watching. I’ve seen every one of those movies. Dolemite, Coffy, the whole mutafuckin gang! That’s why I can say nigger and not get into trouble. Because black people dig that I dig their shit. I’m a nigger like that. Nigger. OK.

FLA: You’re in first class sir, an OnDemand video player is available to you for your convenience.

QT: You have a real sexy vibe going on, alright. Like Lauren Holly in that movie Turbulence, when she was getting movies because of that ass shot in Dumb and Dumber. Or like Halle Berry in Executive Decision before she played Storm in X-Men and when Kurt Russell was still THE MAN, but not like he was THE MAN he was in Death Proof, because I made him the muthafuckin FUCKIN THE MAN? Baby, if you were black I’d be like damn that be a black ass, alright! Cause I can DO that, OK! What size shoe do you wear?

FLA: Have a nice flight sir.

LATER…

Quentin is having trouble relaxing in his seat. He presses the call button. The Flight Attendant reluctantly comes over to help.

FLA: How can I help you, sir?

QT: I can’t sit here, OK? Imma bout to go medieval on this seat’s ass, OK? I got a back problem, dig? I like broke it in two places yesterday when my head moved too far forward and the centrifugal force lurched my body into a spiral, right? I mean it’s hard to keep this thing up all day. That moppet kid from Jerry Maguire was dead motherfucking wrong about that eight pounds shit. QT’s head weighs sixteen pounds bald! I can crush Heineken cold kegs with this thing. Mike Meyers got all those head jokes in So I Married An Axe Murderer from that time we met at Cannes and I spent forty minutes naming obscure references to that scene where Wayne opens the door and sees a ninja training facility. I’ve seen all of those films, right? True story.

FLA: I can bring you an extra pillow if you’d like, sir.

QT: Pillows are for pussies. Do I look like a pussy?

FLA: What?

QT: Say what again? Say what again I dare ya! I double dare ya! Say what one more muthafuckin time!

FLA: There’s no need for that type of language, sir.

QT: Imma get on the floor, OK. Cause that shag is calling the QT name. And QT goes where QT goes. Plus, you can get a much better look at feet from the floor. And feet ALWAYS call the QT’s name.

FLA: You can’t lie on the floor, sir, it’s a firehazard.

QT: Look at the size of my head, OK? Look at how fucking important it is. I have more iconic pop culture locked up there than the entire Planet Hollywood franchise, OK? So it needs to be taken care of. I want the floor.

FLA: No, sir.

QT: Have you seen Kill Bill? I taught Uma all those movies. I am a master fucking karate expert. I could probably snake chop Bruce Lee if he were here. So don’t fuck with me, OK? Niggers like me should NOT be fucked with. I fuck with you, OK!

The flight attendant starts crying.

QT: Ok, alright, alright, no floor. OK! Give me your seat.

FLA: My seat?

QT: Yeah, alright, I’ll take that fold out thing. Rest my back against equipment, right?

FLA: Where would I sit, then?

QT: Take my seat, OK. Sit next to Tiffany. She’s great. She’s like my wife. I wanna marry all sorts of her. And she’s great, OK? Did you see Ken Park? She blew a guy on screen in that movie. Is that cool shit or what? She, like, MADE that style of acting. Vincent Gallo and Chloe Sevigny STOLE that move from Tiffany, alright. That’s not even cool. You don’t fucking steal things from movies, OK? That’s just wrong. Everything I ever wrote was completely O.G.-riginal. It’s all in my head, that’s why it’s so good, OK!

FLA: What about how the plot of Reservoir Dogs was a complete lift from that Hong Kong movie City of Fire?

QT: I will punch you, OK? I’ll hit a woman. I’m a powerful celebrity who can do anything. If Lindsay only gets a day for doing blow and chasing down some bitch, I may not even get probation, alright, for taking you down. And I do a lot of blow! You think I can talk this fast and quote so many movies because I’m high on life? OK, no, OK! Not fucking happening! I do, like, Vincent Vega-level drugs, alright. I’ve been stabbed so many times in the heart that I got fucking heart stabbing directions tattooed on my chest, OK! So I can do drugs. Damn I’m such a black nigger!

Quentin lies on the floor. The flight attendant immediately disables the call button for his seat and runs for her life. Tiffany waits to be told when she can give oral onscreen again.

LATER…

The plane is about to land. The Flight Attendant tries to get Quentin off the floor and back into his seat. She looks like she’d rather be helping OJ Simpson try on a pair of black gloves.

FLA: Sir, I need you to get back into your seat, the plane is about to land.

QT: The floor is QT’s seat, alright. I’m on the floor in my upright position, OK. I can’t exactly just get up. It takes two people just to get my head off the ground. Or a really powerful sit-up, and I don’t do sit-ups. I do fucking sit-downs, OK!

FLA: Sir, you have been nothing but a disgusting, arrogant pest this entire flight. We’re almost done and then I can never see you or your junky, derivative pop culture vomit movies ever again. What can I do to just get you into your seat for five minutes?

QT: … show me your feet.

FLA: Excuse me?

QT: Your feet. They’re my kryptonite. I am powerless to feet. Whenever Uma wanted another close-up she’d slip off her sandal and ask me to blow on her toes. It got me so hard. Like fucking teenage boy hard, alright? I wasted fucking miles of celluloid because of those beautiful Aryan piglets.

FLA: Uh, fine. Here!

She takes her heel off and puts her foot in his face.

QT: Humuna humuna. I suddenly want to watch My Super Ex-Girlfriend very badly. Head! Up! Now!

Quentin’s head rises like a vampire waking from a coffin. He gets to his seat. The Flight Attendant sighs in relief.

QT: Tiffany my wife, QT needs oral, post motherfucking haste, alright.

TL: No, Quentin.

Quentin pulls out a video camera and points it at her.

QT: ACTION, OK!

TL: Yes, Quentin.

She gives him oral.

QT: This is class cinema, alright. I’m gonna split this into two volumes and have the Wu-Tang Clan do the score. Get Robert do the special effects. My nigger ass is brilliant, OK! Now if I can only get Corey Haim in this movie, it would totally be his comeback. License To Drive was fucking brilliant, alright? It was GREAT, just like this oral. I love to travel.

FLA: Grindhouse was lame.

FADE OUT

Bangarang!