The Scene: Kiefer Sutherland is drunk. And driving. Again. As it were. A cop pulls him over and attempts to put him under arrest for a DUI.
The Players: Kiefer, Kiefer’s Alcohol-induced delusions, The Cop, An On-Star Customer Service Representative, the Ghost of Emilio Estevez’s Career
INT. KIEFER’S CAR – BEVERLY HILLS – NIGHT
KIEFER V.O.: The following takes place between 1:30am and 2am.
KIEFER: I am mega-TV Star Kiefer Sutherland and this is the most drunken night of my life. …this week, anyway.
1:33AM…
KIEFER swerves through traffic, runs a red light, gets up on the sidewalk, etc.
KIEFER: I am drunktastic, and I need to get home NOW! Don’t these people know I have Christmas trees to jump into? GET OUT OF THE WAY! STAND DOWN! Oh crap, was that my turn? Time to flip a bitch! Good thing I’m such a kick ass federal agent slash actor that I can basically do anything with this machine. One more tequila bomb and I’d be up on two wheels, Speed-style. Damn it, Keanu STOLE that role from me! Well pop quiz hot shot, I’m a mega-TV star and you’re nothing but an A-List movie actor. Pwnage courtesy of The Kief!
Police lights flash in his rear-view mirror. He is being pulled over.
KIEFER: Damn it! What have you done, Kiefer? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
He pulls over and turns the car off. THE COP taps on his window.
KIEFER: Officer, we have NO time for this!
THE COP: (sighs) License and registration, Mr. Sutherland.
KIEFER: If you know who I am, then you know what I’m capable of.
THE COP: Yes sir, that’s why I pulled you over.
KIEFER: WHAT IS YOUR PRIMARY OBJECTIVE???
THE COP: Just what I’ve asked for, sir.
KIEFER: You are going to tell me everything I want to know or I swear to God I will hurt you before I kill you, and no one will be able to stop me.
THE COP: License and registration sir, or I’m cuffing you and taking you in and I don’t care if TMZ reports it.
KIEFER: I know you think what you’re doing is right. But it is my job not to let that happen.
THE COP: Look, nobody wants you arrested. We love 24. I just need to write this up so we can say we checked on you. Then you can go.
KIEFER: I don’t have the intel you’re looking for. I need to call in.
1:38AM…
1:38:01AM…
He presses the On-Star button in his car.
KIEFER: Good evening, Mr. Sutherland. Are you drunk and passed out in your car again? I can have an ambulance to your location in ten minutes.
KIEFER: Damn it Chloe, I have NO time for games! I need some intel NOW! Data mine the files and send them to my mobile. DO IT!
ON-STAR CSR: Like I’ve told you before sir, my name is Christine, not Chloe.
KIEFER: I’M RUNNING OUT OF TIME!
THE COP: Settle down sir, and have the On-Star rep send me your information.
KIEFER: (whispering) If you don’t get me that intel right away I’m a dead man.
ON-STAR CSR: (sighs) Just a moment, sir. Fucking actors…
THE COP: By the way, I really liked those Young Guns movies. You and Emilio shooting people, riding horses. Was cool.
KIEFER: Do not talk about the dead with me.
The Ghost of Emilio Estevez’s Career floats into the scene.
GHOST OF EMILIO ESTEVEZ’S CAREER: I’m not dead, Kiefer. I directed a big movie last year. Bobby? You didn’t see it? It got great reviews! Well, not great reviews. No one really liked it, but still, it’s a step up from Mighty Ducks 4.
KIEFER: Last year I was in a Korean jail cell being tortured for this country. I was doing my duty. Also, I was drunk.
GHOST OF EMILIO ESTEVEZ’S CAREER: Bombed again, huh? This is just like the filming of Young Guns 2.
KIEFER: Emilio Estevez Sheen, you are not a movie director.
GHOST OF EMILIO ESTEVEZ’S CAREER: Why don’t you Netflix me and find out.
KIEFER: Trust me, you don’t want to go down that road with me.
GHOST OF EMILIO ESTEVEZ’S CAREER: Screw this! Imma go haunt Charlie. That bastard hasn’t even given me so much as a cameo on his stupid hit show! Fucking actors…
The Ghost of Emilio Estevez’s Career floats away.
ON-STAR CSR: Mr. Sutherland, we have your insurance information ready.
KIEFER: TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO KNOW!
ON-STAR CSR: Tell the officer that I have forwarded your information to his precinct, which will transfer the data to his squad car computer. Have a nice evening, Mr. Sutherland, and get home safe. We need you OK to go out there and protect the country from terrorists.
KIEFER: Copy that, Chloe. I’ll report back to CTU when I’m clear. Kiefer, OUT!
THE COP: I’m going to go write this ticket up and I’ll be back. Don’t move, sir.
KIEFER: If you secure the perimeter, I’ll stand down.
THE COP shakes his head and walks back to his vehicle.
1:42AM…
1:53AM…
THE COP: Sir, unfortunately I’m gonna have to take you in. The Paris incident changed our protocol with celebrities and now we are required to arrest all famous people potentially under the influence. Fortunately for you, Britney’s over at Area tonight, so there are no paparazzi within ten miles of here. We can process and release you without much attention.
KIEFER: I will not get into that car. I MUST GET HOME RIGHT NOW! There’s not much time left. I’m gonna need a hacksaw. …again.
THE COP: A hacksaw, sir?
KIEFER: I can’t find my house keys.
THE COP: Step outside of your vehicle, Mr. Sutherland.
KIEFER: DAMN IT! I only take my orders from the President of the United States. …or in his absence, a character actor to be hired later.
THE COP: I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. Step outside or this is going to get bad.
KIEFER: LISTEN TO ME! I’m drunk, but I can get home. I’m trained for this. Damn it! YOU’VE JUST GOT TO TRUST ME!!
THE COP: You’re obviously too impaired to be behind the wheel of a vehicle. You are a danger to yourself and those around you. For all intents and purposes, you should be sitting in a drunk tank right now, while your expensive car gets impounded. But damn it all if you’re consistent yelling of vague, inoffensive threats hasn’t convinced me of your aptitude. I’m sorry I stood in your way.
KIEFER: I just need to do my job.
THE COP: Godspeed, sir.
KIEFER: With any hope, the country will be safe by morning.
THE COP goes back to his car and Kiefer drives away.
KIEFER: DAMN IT! Close one. Now to complete my mission and report back to command. Let’s just hope I still have a chance…
This is Mel Gibson wishing all my Hebrew brethren, the sugar-titted JAP’s and the fucking man Jews, an easy fast and an enriching day of reflection and atonement for all their sins (the war-starting, the money-grubbing, the big noses, et al) on this most festive holy day, Yom Kippur. And to that end, I, the ever-benevolent Mel Gibson, forgives you Jews. At least the ones that bankroll my movies, anyway. Oh, and all my greedy Jew lawyers that keep me out of the clink and/or rehab, of which I have many. Also, Sydney Pollack.
You’re welcome.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m wanted in Kazakhstahn. I’m going to be the Grand Marhsall in the prestigious, annual Running of the Jews Parade. It’s quite an honor.
TelevisionWithoutPity.com (who recently underwent a dizzying redesign that’s going to take weeks to accept), that most excellent website devoted to recapping all the best and worst shows on TV, has launched a new online game that is poised to become the most insanely addictive site this side of The Hollywood Stock Exchange. It’s called TVBigShot.com and it’s a pseudo-Fantasy Sports league where users log in, create their own fictional TV network, purchase shows and then earn points based on various performance markers. The Network with the most points at the close of the season wins $100,000 dollars. And that’s real dollars, not fake-ass PayPal dollars.
TV + Gambling + Running A Fake Studio? Yeah, I think that works for The Jay. If they added Jelly Beans to the mix I’d make it my homepage.
Here’s how you play: You start the game with $300 million which you can use to purchase however many shows you want / can. You earn points based on the show’s ratings (by a factor of ten, so if it scores a 4.5 you get 45 points), it’s placement on the charts, and in a cool twist, on the hype of the show. If an actor from the show is on a magazine cover, you get points for that too (any chance Heroes could hire Britney Spears for a quick walk-on? She could play a misguided femme fatale whose superpower is an enflamed delirium.). You can drop a show that’s underperforming, but it’ll cost you a cool million. If one of your shows gets cancelled you forfeit the money it cost to purchase the show. So it’s important to take these factors into account when building your network. Private Practice may seem attractive, but with its sketchy pilot, a more-than-significant viewer interest dip for last season’s Grey’s Anatomy and a poor track record for spin-offs (especially ones that don’t have a McDreamy on staff), not to mention a tough time slot, as much as I like Kate Walsh, at $53 million it might not be a good bet.
I’ve created my network, The Steak Sauce Network, and I’m gonna let you in on my strategy for success and tell you why I drafted the shows I did. I used this strategy in my Fantasy Football league (where my team is also called Steak Sauce), and it’s paid out for me so far.
Here are my five keys for drafting a winning team in any Fantasy League:
Get one home run player, and trust in their awesomeness
Pick up 2-3 blue chip recruits who are solid performers poised to become monster stars.
Grab a veteran player that will bring leadership and consistency.
Take a flyer on a risky player. They may score huge points or ruin your team, but only with high risk comes high reward.
Draft a player/team/show that you like, or hope you’ll like, so you have a genuine interest in rooting for their success, regardless of how they perform for your team.
With those keys in mind, here’s how I spent my $300 Million:
The Home Run Player
Heroes ($82 Million) – Is poised to have a hugemongous second season, generates an assload of press and regularly does well in the ratings. If Heroes doesn’t suffer a sophomore slump, I’m gonna ride Hiro, Clair, HRG and all the rest, right to the bank. I opted not to go with a bigger, more established hit like CSI, Grey’s or House partly cause of expense (CSI costs $134 million!), and partly because they get less media coverage than other, more buzz-worthy shows (when was the last time William Peterson rocked the cover of People Magazine?). Paying a mid-level expense for an all-star player is always a smart play. I have the anchor of my A1 roster, and I didn’t have to break the bank. Yatta, indeed!
The Blue-Chippers
The Office ($50 Million) – Never a timeslot winner, but always consistent in the ratings, The Office anchors the NBC Thursday Night, so I can expect a big marketing push and have zero worries about cancellation. Also, hello, the show rules! With NBC pushing for 30 total episodes and multiple hour-long episodes, this is a huge value pick. Jim and Pam are gonna bring the rain for The Steak Sauce Network (that’s what she said!).
How I Met Your Mother ($57 Million) – Sitcoms always make or break in their third season, and I’m betting on Barney to make it. What up! Also, I HAD to pick up the show that originated the name of my network. (Interesting how this was a more expensive show than The Office, even though that show does better in the ratings and wins more awards. Something tells me I’m right to think big.)
The Veteran Performer
Smallville ($27 Million) – A six season vet who’s the top-rated show of its network for only $27 million? That’s a steal in any league. I can easily count on 50 or so points from Smallville every week. If this were Fantasy Football, Smallville would be Torry Holt, not a big play/big points receiver anymore, but will always end the season with 90 catches, 1200 yards, and a solid 15 points each week. Also, its fun to bank on Tom Welling’s bad acting, Michael Rosenbaum’s running HoYay! gag and Kristin Kreuk’s continued efforts to only act with her lips and cheek dimples (don’t work too hard on that Meisner, cutie).
The Risky Get
Kid Nation ($64 Million) – Will either be one of two things: a huge freaking hit, or a complete no-interest flame out. There’ll be no in-between. Despite the controversy, the show is getting respectable reviews. And as far as the content, when I saw the extended preview at the Academy upfronts in May, people in the audience were balling. I’m talking tears, kids. Never underestimate the attraction of kids in need, or a buzz worthy first year reality show. I wouldn’t pick it up in a been there-done that season three, but for this year alone, I’m betting on the kids to make their nation, and make me a winner.
The Show I Really Want To Do Well
Reaper ($16 Million) – A lead I love (Bret Harrison from my Top 5 sitcom The Loop), a female lead I crush on (Missy Peregrym, of Heroes and Stick It fame), a pilot director I revere (love that Kevin Smith) and a concept and attitude that’s right in my wheelhouse. Of all the new shows this season, I could see Reaper being my favorite. And at $16 Million there’s zero risk (plus, what else was I gonna buy in the cheap slot, One Tree Hill? Not likely. Sophia Bush pushes my buttons just as much as the next guy, but I can’t abide by Chad Michael Murray. I already have one wooden pretty boy on my roster -hey hey, CK- I don’t need another one.).
So that’s my line-up. I’m a bit worried that I have two CW shows, but I think I have a diverse slate of quality shows, all of which have tremendous upside, no baggage and little chance of cancellation (I even have $4 million left over for trades and what not). And though I didn’t draft all of my favorite shows (I really did want House), I actually LIKE everyone I got, so I’m straight. It’s gonna be an awesome year at The Steak Sauce Network, I hope you all enjoy it! And if you’re playing against me, that you REAP IT!
Get into the TV Bigshot game, create your network, face off against me and prove your worth. Not that you have much chance, cause my show’s are A1, baby! Steak. Sauce.
Sometimes you can see something coming from a mile away and still be surprised when it hits you in the face.
A few weeks ago I noticed that Evan Almighty, Universal’s sequel-in-name-and-Morgan-Freeman-only to 2003’s mega hit Bruce Almighty, was inching towards the vaunted $100 million dollar mark at the domestic box office. The movie had flopped upon its initial release, causing enormous embarassment for Universal and sending the studio into another poor fiscal performance for the quarter. Despite the widespread denouncement of the film, crossing the century line at the box office would be a sign of moderate success for what is known as the most expensive live-action comedy ever made.
The number was too important for Universal (as well as all members of the production with performance bonuses in their contracts) not to hit it, so the achievement seemed a pretty foregone conclusion. The only problem was that the movie wasn’t making enough end of the run money to hit the number. And that’s when I knew that something fishy was about to happen.
Three days ago Evan Almighty crossed the $100 million dollar mark by grossing a dubiously high one day gross on its 13th weekend. Nobody in the press or online world picked up on it, but I did. And I’m gonna tell you all about it.
But first, a quick discourse on star contracts: built in to all contracts for above the line players and below the line decision makers (that being the director, exec and regular producers, and sometimes the writer) are performance escalators that pay out when the movie they’re making hits certain financial goals. Twenty million dollar opening weekend, hundred million dollars domestic, hundred million dollars international, one million DVD units sold, and so on. These bonuses are independent of the actual salary, so an actor or director or producer doesn’t need to do ANYTHING to get the money, so long as the movie does well. You make the movie, promote it like hell, hope people like it and wait for the easy money to roll in. Therefore it is of great interest for all creative players involved that a movie score at the box office and trigger the bonuses.
To give you an example of the money we are talking about, I once got to see the Van Helsing contract for character actor Kevin J. O’Conner. He was the sixth billed lead and barely recognizable to anyone that isn’t a die hard fan of Deep Rising and yet his bonus for Van Helsing hitting $100 million was something north of $150,000. That doubled if the film hit $150 million, and so on in increments of $50 million. Seeing as how Van Helsing opened to $50 million, grossed $120 domestic and $180 internationally, and moved more than six million units on home video, I’m guessing O’Conner’s escalators paid him out to the tune of $500k. Not too shabby for sitting on your ass and not answering to how exorable the movie turned out. So keep these relatively low numbers in mind as we start talking about the bigger names involved in Evan Almighty.
On the studio side, a film grossing $100 million is important for a variety of reasons. It’s a clearly-defined financial marker than can be conveyed as a success to financiers and stockholders. As well, and more importantly, the box office of a film directly affects the home video sales. Grossing certain box office numbers dictates the number of copies vendors will put in stores for retail and purchase. A movie that tanks cannot be expected to do big home video business because the retailers won’t support their volume needs, but a hugely successful movie is virtually guaranteed to succeed in home video because of the perceived customer demand gleamed from the box office take. Kevin Smith has talked at length in commentaries and interviews about how important it was for Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back to do at least $30 million because it meant he’d sell an extra $300k DVD’s. The math only goes north from there.
I’m gonna take you through a calendar of events surrounding Evan Almighty’s road to $100 million and let you decide for yourself if I’m just seeing things (all information can be found HERE):
6.22.07 – Evan Almighty opens to extremely high expectations. High production costs, reshoots and big salaries for stars Steve Carrell, Morgan Freeman, writer Steve Oedekerk and director Tom Shadyac drove the budget of the film to a reported $175 million, making it the most costly comedy in the history of cinema, even accounting for inflation. Universal, banking on the strength of the franchise’s original film and the audience goodwill of Steve Carell generated by the previous summer’s sleeper hit The 40 Year-Old Virgin, pushed the film hard, hoping the film would match Bruce Almighty’s $240 million box office gross, or at the very least, the industry accepted 30% sequel dip. So the realistic box office goal of the film was about $175 million, or roughly the exact amount of the production budget. International box office would recoup the marketing and distribution fees and with a hearty home video take the film would prove to be quite profitable. But that’s not what happened.
6.24.07 – Evan Almighty takes in $31 million in its opening frame, less than half of what Bruce Almighty took in its first weekend, and a good $15 million below industry expectation. The film is quickly labeled as a flop, and rightly so.
7.1.07 – By its tenth day in theaters, Evan Almighty has only grossed $60 million. By this point in its run, Bruce Almighty had taken in $137 million.
8.1.07 – The film has showed moderate legs, grossing $36 million for the month of July, to bring it’s total to $96 million. This is where I started to take notice.
8.28.07 – Evan Almighty crosses $99 million. At the rate it’s going it should theoretically cross $100 million dollars in about 17 days, or on September 13th.
9.13.07 – On the film’s 84th day of release, Evan is still languishing in sub-$100 million hell. It has only grossed $745,000 in the last 17 days. By this revised estimate, $100 million is still one week away. This is when I made the most prescient statement since I predicted that Heroes would be the breakout hit of last season, six months before it premiered. I remember looking at Evan’s numbers and thinking “I bet it crosses $100 million this weekend with a crazy, unexplainable bump in the numbers”. I will leave it to you to decide if I was right.
Friday 9.14.07 – Evan grosses $40,425 in 385 screens, a standard decline of 20% from the previous Friday, though notable in that the previous Friday’s numbers came from 120 fewer screens. Based on this formula, Evan could look to gross about $75,000 on Saturday, a 20% decrease from the previous weekend’s $94k.
Saturday 9.15.07 – Evan Almighty, in its 86th day of release, grosses $209,825 dollars! Does that number seem odd to you? Let me put that number into perspective.
That total is 419% increase from the day before.
It’s a 55% INCREASE from the previous Saturday, where as the Friday to Friday numbers DECREASED 20%.
The last time Evan Almighty grossed more $200k in a single day was July 29th, 48 days before, when the film was playing on 700 MORE screens!
The last Saturday Evan was in an equal number of screens was August 25th, the film’s 65th day of release, when the film took in $138k. That’s a 50% bump three weeks later. Um, hello?
Sunday 9.16.07 – Evan Almighty grosses $44,275 to cross the $100 million mark. It is a 79% drop from the ginormous day before, but only a 35% drop from the previous Sunday, holding to traditional box office patterns. There is no evidence to explain the boost in ticket sales for Saturday, and Sunday’s grosses do little to support the theory that the day was nothing more than an aberration. Or was it?
I hold that that number was inflated on purpose. I can’t say which side was responsible for the boost, the creative team wanting their escalators or Universal wanting to say the film grossed $100 million and save some face, but I can firmly state that box office grosses for Evan Almighty were artificially inflated on Saturday, September 15th in a last ditch attempt to hit the century mark.
I’m not deploring the tactic, box office tampering has been going on for decades, and in the long run who really cares anyway; I take pause with the egregiously conspicuous way in which it went down. Slowly pump up the numbers for a couple days during the week so you can prove the film was tracking higher, and then evenly distribute the money across the entire weekend. Don’t let the film do the exact amount of business expected for a full week and then dump $130k on a single day!!! That’s how you get caught. It’s just a terrible way to perpetuate a harmless fraud. And a rather expensive way to meet your goals. Mathematically speaking, if you assume that the combined performance bonuses for the big four involved in Evan Almighty hitting the century mark (Carell, Freeman, Oedekerk, Shadyac) was $3.5 million, then someone spent $130,000 dollars to cost the production 37 times that amount! It wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility that some phone calls were made last week and a proverbial hat was passed around town, collection donations for the Evan Almighty emergency funds.
This piece of information might not be of interest to anyone, but I thought it was pretty fascinating to see the machinery of big business studio economics at work. And I thought it was apropos that a movie made only on the pretense of making money and not artistic achievement, solved their flagging box office problem by doing the exact opposite action of the intent of the film, yet repeating its pointless origin: they spent money to make money (which made them spend MORE money).
Congratulations to Evan Almighty for crossing the century mark at the box office; I hope all involved are having a good time opening their mail this week.
That’s a shot of America’s favorite feisty, canceled teen detective repping her new gig on network TV’s best angsty comic action drama with America’s most recent pre-approved hottie; a moment caught on camera that probably caused a nation-wide pants-splooging by any hot-blooded male under 30. Yeah, something tells me Heroes is gonna be quite so watchable this year.
Did you notice how front and center Kristen Bell was with the Heroes gang at the Emmys? Somebody’s happy she’s on a real network now. Dimes to dollars she takes over as this year’s Big Bad? As long as she shares some screen time with Hayden Panetierre and Sylar, her role on Heroes could be as a eighty year-old African American be-acned deaf mute and I’d still be glued to the screen (especially is was that!). She could do the role Tucker Max Drunk and I’d be snapadooed, so long as she throws down with Hayden just once (or even Ali Larter), and has a bitchin’ super power. Season Two could not come fast enough.
ON AN EMMY’S RELATED NOTE: I will not be talking about the Emmy’s. It’s the most corrupt award show in Hollywood and I won’t deem to spend my brainpower coming up with witty commentary on such a predictable, unfunny, awkward, porely-produced, overly-censored, crazy actor wankfest. To that end, suck it Sally Field! Keep your political shit to yourself, you’re no Susan Sarandon (and even SHE can’t get away with it anymore). I loved you in Soapdish something fierce, but you stole that award from Minnie Driver, Mariska Hargitay and Kyra Sedgewick’s assbackwards Southern accent, and you KNOW it.
I’m just going to pretend like the show never happened; that FOX wasn’t so stupid as to put the stage in a circle in the middle of the room so that EVERYONE had to come in from the audience to get to the stage, cause THAT’S was a good idea; that The Sopranos hadn’t gotten their bullshit send-off Emmy, that Hugh Laurie hadn’t gotten robbed, that Ugly Betty would stop pulling a Desperate Housewives and remember that they’re a melodrama and not a comedy, and that Ryan Seacrest would stick to his day job.
But, just for funsies, here’s what I would have voted for had I been a member of the Academy:
Outstanding Drama Series: Heroes - You gotta go with the show everyone loved the most that year, and nothing was more lovable than Hiro, Flying Man!, Peter’s emo bangs, Sylar’s bad ass TK powers, the under-18 hotness of Claire, HRG, The Haitian and annoying mind reader Greg Grunberg. Also, Grey’s screwed the pooch with the Gizzie storyline, House tanked witht he Shitter Tritter arc, nobody watches or cares about Boston Legal except Denny Crane (DENNY CRANE!), and EVERYONE stopped believing in The Sopranos.
Outstanding Comedy Series: 30 Rock - I love this show like a handfull of Dr. Spaceman’s pinks and purples. I can’t get it off my mindgrapes, and was glad to see that at least one Emmy Award given out was deserved.
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series: Hugh Laurie - The best male actor working in television, period. I love The Spader as much the next fan of Blaine from Pretty in Pink, but even HE didn’t think he deserved it this year.
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series: Alec Baldwin - When people ask me if I like Alec on 30 Rock I tell them “I have two ears and a heart, don’t I?” And if you don’t get that joke, I can’t help you. I drop truth bombs! (I seriously can NOT get this show off my mindgrapes!) (OK, enough 30 Rock quotes.) (Also, enough paranthetical asides.) (OK, fine, just one more quote: “…here’s some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it’s Shark Week.”)
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series: Minnie Driver - The biggest surprise in television last season. I had just assumed she died after Grosse Pointe Blank, cause nothing she did afterwards was any good, but who knew the fat chick from Circle of Friends could be so subtle and heartbreaking? She flat out pwns as recovering matriarch Dahlia Malloy. I couldn’t sit through every episode of The Riches, but when I did watch, I was riveted every time Driver was onscreen.
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series: Mary-Louise Parker - There is no finer actor working in the medium of television then the women who would be Nancy Botwin. And it’s not even close.
All the rest of the awards are “who cares”, cause when they start giving Emmys to Tony Bennett I start tuning the show out, but big ups to Jamie Pressly, the road from Skinemax to the Emmy stage is a seldom-traveled one, but she made the trip with persistence, talent and aplomb. Also she rules as the only good thing on the ever-lamer My Name Is Earl.
And now back to staring at the two hot blondes with superpowers.
The Scene: Kiefer Sutherland is drunk. And driving. Again. As it were. A cop pulls him over and attempts to put him under arrest for a DUI.
Where our motto is: “Our Shows Are A1!”
Sometimes you can see something coming from a mile away and still be surprised when it hits you in the face.
To give you an example of the money we are talking about, I once got to see the Van Helsing contract for character actor Kevin J. O’Conner. He was the sixth billed lead and barely recognizable to anyone that isn’t a die hard fan of Deep Rising and yet his bonus for Van Helsing hitting $100 million was something north of $150,000. That doubled if the film hit $150 million, and so on in increments of $50 million. Seeing as how Van Helsing opened to $50 million, grossed $120 domestic and $180 internationally, and moved more than six million units on home video, I’m guessing O’Conner’s escalators paid him out to the tune of $500k. Not too shabby for sitting on your ass and not answering to how exorable the movie turned out. So keep these relatively low numbers in mind as we start talking about the bigger names involved in Evan Almighty.
Sunday 9.16.07 – Evan Almighty grosses $44,275 to cross the $100 million mark. It is a 79% drop from the ginormous day before, but only a 35% drop from the previous Sunday, holding to traditional box office patterns. There is no evidence to explain the boost in ticket sales for Saturday, and Sunday’s grosses do little to support the theory that the day was nothing more than an aberration. Or was it?
