UPDATE: Halle has officially picked a name for her baby girl. It’s: Nahla Ariela Aubry. Reminds me of Simba’s girlfriend in The Lion King. And it definitely isn’t as cool as Oprah Tiger Obama Denzel Berry, but then again, how much knowing irony can one possibly expect from an actress and a male model. Here’s hoping the baby can turn left.

Anyway… had she not picked a Disney character name for her child (with the plebe Dad’s last name!), I think she should have read this post and followed one of my leads…

ORIGINAL POST:

In an announcement filled with equal parts joy, surprise (re: total accident), and “I hope I make the cover of People for this”, Academy-Award winning actress and resident over-40 hottie Halle Berry has revealed that she is three months pregnant with her first child. Her boyfriend of one year, Genetic Lucky Bastard (a.k.a. Gabriel Aubry), is the father. Halle can now add MILF to her list of remarkable accomplishments (those being Oscar Winner, Razzie Winner, Friend Of Oprah, Got Joel Silver to give her 500 large to show her tits in Swordfish, and of course, not being able to deliver a one-liner in a big budget comic book movie).

We here at TheJay.com would love to extend our warmest congratulations to the proud celebrity parents. May they have an ironically ugly baby who will grow up to write a truly nasty tell-all book about their childhood. I look forward to seeing baby Berry, Shiloh, and Suri tear up the town in 18 years or so.

So now that we have eleventy-billion Halle Berry baby bump pictures to look forward to (not to mention the Access Hollywood profiles on her bridal shower and baby shopping spree), we can now focus on the most important part of this story. No, not the story that Halle will have to take time off from making truly shitty studio thrillers with fading white male stars. Not that the over/under on Gabriel becoming the next K-Fed is about a +5. And not even that a notoriously famous, industry award door-opening African-American celebrity will have a mixed race baby. Those are all important parts, but not nearly as important as this: what she’ll name the baby. Will she go traditional, as with Bridget Moynahan’s recent baby John? Or surprisingly cute, like Ben and Jen did with their baby, Violet? Will she go batty like Gwyneth and scar her kid from the uterus with a tease-inducing Apple or Moses? Will she go mega-star bourgeois like Brad and Tom did with their recent golden spawn?

So many choices, so much pressure, so much opportunity for malicious celebrity ego and delusion (hello Jason Lee’s kid, Pilot Inspektor).

As a favor to my favorite Catwoman (just kidding! Love you, Michelle, Julie and Eartha!) I have taken it upon myself to come up with a list of potential baby names. All are good, solid, strong names for a child. All have some tie to Momma Berry. And all are perfect for some enterprising blogger to put on a Café Press t-shirt. If Halle ends up going with any of them I fully expect a 10% kick on the back-end merchandising rights.

(NOTE: I’m assuming Halle would give the kid “Berry” for a last name, cause seriously, it’s not like Gabriel Aubry is getting to raise this kid unless he books a reality show like quick.)

THE OBVIOUS FRUIT NAMES

• Straw Berry
• Blue Berry
• Elder Berry
• Pink Berry (and the kid would be low fat)
• Black Berry (and the kid would of course be nicknamed “Phone”)
• Cranberry Berry (middle name: “+ Vodka”)
• Schnozz Berry (and lo and behold, the kid would actually taste like a schnozzberry!)

And my personal favorite…

• Huckle Berry (I’d be dropping Tombstone bombs like crazy! Val Kilmer would HAVE to be the baby’s godfather!)

RHYME NAMES

• Barry Berry (otherwise known as “Berry²”)
• Bobby Berry
• Sherry Barry (though this might be too close an homage to that dreadful Maggie Gyllenhaal indie Sherrybaby)
• Larry Berry
• Mary Berry
• Mariah Carey Berry (in a nod to the baby’s mixed-race heritage and potential for future nervous breakdowns on national cable TV shows)
• Warren Beatty Berry

MOVIE NAMES

• B.A.P.S. Berry
• Boomerang Berry
• Dorothy Dandridge Berry
• Gothika Berry
• Jinx Berry
• Jungle Fever Berry (another ode to its heritage)
• Storm Berry
• Swordfish Berry

And of course:

• Halle Berry 2: The Reckoning

MEAN NAMES a.k.a. The Jay’s Personal Favorites

• Bad Actor Berry
• Billy Bob Berry
• Celebrity Baby Berry (think of the Google traffic!)
• David Justice Sucks Berry
• Dingle Berry
• Hit N Run Berry
• iBerry (of which the baby will be called “Shuffle”, the toddler “Nano, the teen “Classic” and the adult “w/ Video”)
• MILF Berry
• Oprah Tiger Obama Denzel Berry
• PR Boost Berry
• Razzie Award Winner Berry
• Shag Berry (In honor of The Butterscotch Stallion)

And the most awesomely egotisitical celebrity baby name of all:

• $500,000 Boobies Berry

I can’t wait to see which one she’s gonna pick (though, in the end you know it’ll be something lame like “Tristan” for a boy or “Judy” after her Mom for a girl. But she’d get my everlasting respect if she named her kid either Schnozz or Huckle Berry. I’d even forgive her for Catwoman. Well, maybe not. But at least for her awful X-Men one-liner, anyway.

Bangarang!