Better words will come from better writers today, and as such, I will not attempt to editorialize on the impact of 9/11 nor its unending societal reach six years later. I am not a newsman or a pundit, I’m not a D.C. blogger nor a member of a political party. I lost no one in 9/11 and I know very few people that were even remotely affected by the tragedy.
The biggest connection I have to the event is that 9/11 just so happens to be both my father’s and my best friend’s birthday. I don’t go out of my way to have a conversation about politics or world events, and I readily avoid discourse on President Bush. In short, I am exceedingly apathetic both towards the state of the nation, and my need to enact change in the world. I just don’t care all that much about politics.
But in an effort to honor the enormity of the day, I will write what it is I am good at writing about. And that would be sarcastically making fun of celebrities! We’re kicking it obvious style today by doing a star roll call and taking a big old clichéd swipe at each one of them. No subtext, no cleverness, no subtle creative genius, just blatant stereotypical jabs at the public personas of all the celebs who grace those wonderfully patriotic tabloid rags.
I can’t think of a better way for me to memorialize this sad day in American History than by calling Britney Spears a paunchy trainwreck with zero vocal talent (Gimme More!). Let’s start the blatant “honoring”…
Ben Affleck – Was the bomb in Phantoms, yo!
Jack Black – He’s so zany! Can you believe how zany he was in King Kong? I couldn’t get over all the zaniness! This is a tribute.
Orlando Bloom – Bland as an episode of Seventh Heaven. And with the same acting range, too! Moted, Will Turner! Moted.
Nicolas Cage – Hit or miss. Also, totally cooky! Love his choice of women (Michael Jackson’s ex, Alabama Worley, that Asian chick who waited on him at Sushi Roku).
George Clooney – Likes to bang hot chicks. Oooh! Consider yourself pwned, Danny Ocean!
Dane Cook – IS. NOT. FUNNY. For reals, yo!
Russell Crowe – Uh oh! Russell’s on the rag again, watch out for flying Black Berry’s. Zing!
Tom Cruise – Short. (Other jabs redacted for fear of litigation.)
John Cusack – Ah man, so edgy and cool! He’s like the personification of indie cred. Also he totally ruled in Con Air.
Matt Damon – MATT DAMON!
Colin Farrell – Kind of a manwho-er.
Richard Gere – It’s a myth, people! Suck it hard, urban legends! (But yeah, it totally happened! I know a guy who has a sister who dated this dude who used to buy weed from this drug dealer who knows a lab tech that sleeps with the nurse who blows the doctor who actually performed the surgery. You can’t buy that kind of intel!)
Mel Gibson – Jews are bad! Rawr!
Ryan Gosling – He’s intense. Grrr!
Paris Hilton – Talentless! Herpesfull!
Samuel L. Jackson – Why does he always say “motherfucker” in his shitty studio movies? That muthafucka crazy!
Scarlet Johansson – If you’re gay, you’re allowed to grab her boobs. Start tossing some salad, gentlemen!
Angelina Jolie – She used to be all gothy weird, but hot. Now she’s all momerific and philanthropic, but hot. Upgrade!
Tommy Lee Jones – Craggly!
Nicole Kidman – Was much cooler when she had the wall of red hair. Bring back the red wall, Ice Queen!
Diane Lane – She’s hot…wait for the qualifier…wait for it… for an older chick. Ka-BOOM!
J. Lo – Her butt is really big! Have you noticed that? Taco flavor kisses for her Ben!
Lindsay Lohan – Does a lot of drugs, rocks the ginger pubes. In your face, Parent Trap!
Alyssa Milano – Has hairy forearms!
The Olsen Twins – Food is overrated! Space alien faces are underrated!
Keanu Reeves – He’s dumb, but makes great movies. Whoa!
Winona Ryder – She steals stuff! Sacre bleu, Heathers!
Charlie Sheen – Yay for hookers and blow!
Will Smith – Has big ears. Aw, hell no!
Ben Stiller – Looks like an ape! Is quite neurotic in a diminishing comedic returns kind of way. Do it! No no, DO IT!
Hilary Swank – Big teeth. Might be a dude. Encourages Paul Haggis. Ditched her beard when she won her second Oscar. Used to be Steve Sanders’ plaything. Excellent credentials… for me to poop on! (that joke courtesy of Late Night with Conan O’Brien. Thanks for the solid, NBC!)
Donald Trump – His hair is weird! You’re fired! Who-damn that’s topical!!!!1!!
Vince Vaughn – HahahahaROTFLMAO! He’s so funny with all the fast talking and the jerkiness! I ignore his expanding belly, receding hairline and Gucci luggage-sized bags under his eyes to appreciate his ribald humor and his nailing of Jennifer Aniston on screen. What a pretty slash funny couple they make. Golly jee!
Reese Witherspoon – Perky and not at all a total bitch. Snapadoo, Elle Woods!
Renee Zellweger – Her face is so scrunchy! Why is her face so scrunchy? Someone tell her to layoff those Lemon Bitch shots. Hiyo! What what?
God Bless Celebrities. And God Bless America!
(Seriously on that second one.)