Where our motto is: “Our Shows Are A1!”

TelevisionWithoutPity.com (who recently underwent a dizzying redesign that’s going to take weeks to accept), that most excellent website devoted to recapping all the best and worst shows on TV, has launched a new online game that is poised to become the most insanely addictive site this side of The Hollywood Stock Exchange. It’s called TVBigShot.com and it’s a pseudo-Fantasy Sports league where users log in, create their own fictional TV network, purchase shows and then earn points based on various performance markers. The Network with the most points at the close of the season wins $100,000 dollars. And that’s real dollars, not fake-ass PayPal dollars.

TV + Gambling + Running A Fake Studio? Yeah, I think that works for The Jay. If they added Jelly Beans to the mix I’d make it my homepage.

Here’s how you play: You start the game with $300 million which you can use to purchase however many shows you want / can. You earn points based on the show’s ratings (by a factor of ten, so if it scores a 4.5 you get 45 points), it’s placement on the charts, and in a cool twist, on the hype of the show. If an actor from the show is on a magazine cover, you get points for that too (any chance Heroes could hire Britney Spears for a quick walk-on? She could play a misguided femme fatale whose superpower is an enflamed delirium.). You can drop a show that’s underperforming, but it’ll cost you a cool million. If one of your shows gets cancelled you forfeit the money it cost to purchase the show. So it’s important to take these factors into account when building your network. Private Practice may seem attractive, but with its sketchy pilot, a more-than-significant viewer interest dip for last season’s Grey’s Anatomy and a poor track record for spin-offs (especially ones that don’t have a McDreamy on staff), not to mention a tough time slot, as much as I like Kate Walsh, at $53 million it might not be a good bet.

I’ve created my network, The Steak Sauce Network, and I’m gonna let you in on my strategy for success and tell you why I drafted the shows I did. I used this strategy in my Fantasy Football league (where my team is also called Steak Sauce), and it’s paid out for me so far.

Here are my five keys for drafting a winning team in any Fantasy League:

1. Get one home run player, and trust in their awesomeness
2. Pick up 2-3 blue chip recruits who are solid performers poised to become monster stars.
3. Grab a veteran player that will bring leadership and consistency.
4. Take a flyer on a risky player. They may score huge points or ruin your team, but only with high risk comes high reward.
5. Draft a player/team/show that you like, or hope you’ll like, so you have a genuine interest in rooting for their success, regardless of how they perform for your team.

With those keys in mind, here’s how I spent my $300 Million:

The Home Run Player

Heroes ($82 Million) – Is poised to have a hugemongous second season, generates an assload of press and regularly does well in the ratings. If Heroes doesn’t suffer a sophomore slump, I’m gonna ride Hiro, Clair, HRG and all the rest, right to the bank. I opted not to go with a bigger, more established hit like CSI, Grey’s or House partly cause of expense (CSI costs $134 million!), and partly because they get less media coverage than other, more buzz-worthy shows (when was the last time William Peterson rocked the cover of People Magazine?). Paying a mid-level expense for an all-star player is always a smart play. I have the anchor of my A1 roster, and I didn’t have to break the bank. Yatta, indeed!

The Blue-Chippers

The Office ($50 Million) – Never a timeslot winner, but always consistent in the ratings, The Office anchors the NBC Thursday Night, so I can expect a big marketing push and have zero worries about cancellation. Also, hello, the show rules! With NBC pushing for 30 total episodes and multiple hour-long episodes, this is a huge value pick. Jim and Pam are gonna bring the rain for The Steak Sauce Network (that’s what she said!).

How I Met Your Mother ($57 Million) – Sitcoms always make or break in their third season, and I’m betting on Barney to make it. What up! Also, I HAD to pick up the show that originated the name of my network. (Interesting how this was a more expensive show than The Office, even though that show does better in the ratings and wins more awards. Something tells me I’m right to think big.)

The Veteran Performer

Smallville ($27 Million) – A six season vet who’s the top-rated show of its network for only $27 million? That’s a steal in any league. I can easily count on 50 or so points from Smallville every week. If this were Fantasy Football, Smallville would be Torry Holt, not a big play/big points receiver anymore, but will always end the season with 90 catches, 1200 yards, and a solid 15 points each week. Also, its fun to bank on Tom Welling’s bad acting, Michael Rosenbaum’s running HoYay! gag and Kristin Kreuk’s continued efforts to only act with her lips and cheek dimples (don’t work too hard on that Meisner, cutie).

The Risky Get

Kid Nation ($64 Million) – Will either be one of two things: a huge freaking hit, or a complete no-interest flame out. There’ll be no in-between. Despite the controversy, the show is getting respectable reviews. And as far as the content, when I saw the extended preview at the Academy upfronts in May, people in the audience were balling. I’m talking tears, kids. Never underestimate the attraction of kids in need, or a buzz worthy first year reality show. I wouldn’t pick it up in a been there-done that season three, but for this year alone, I’m betting on the kids to make their nation, and make me a winner.

The Show I Really Want To Do Well

Reaper ($16 Million) – A lead I love (Bret Harrison from my Top 5 sitcom The Loop), a female lead I crush on (Missy Peregrym, of Heroes and Stick It fame), a pilot director I revere (love that Kevin Smith) and a concept and attitude that’s right in my wheelhouse. Of all the new shows this season, I could see Reaper being my favorite. And at $16 Million there’s zero risk (plus, what else was I gonna buy in the cheap slot, One Tree Hill? Not likely. Sophia Bush pushes my buttons just as much as the next guy, but I can’t abide by Chad Michael Murray. I already have one wooden pretty boy on my roster -hey hey, CK- I don’t need another one.).

So that’s my line-up. I’m a bit worried that I have two CW shows, but I think I have a diverse slate of quality shows, all of which have tremendous upside, no baggage and little chance of cancellation (I even have $4 million left over for trades and what not). And though I didn’t draft all of my favorite shows (I really did want House), I actually LIKE everyone I got, so I’m straight. It’s gonna be an awesome year at The Steak Sauce Network, I hope you all enjoy it! And if you’re playing against me, that you REAP IT!

Get into the TV Bigshot game, create your network, face off against me and prove your worth. Not that you have much chance, cause my show’s are A1, baby! Steak. Sauce.

Bangarang!