The Scene: Kiefer Sutherland is drunk. And driving. Again. As it were. A cop pulls him over and attempts to put him under arrest for a DUI.

The Players: Kiefer, Kiefer’s Alcohol-induced delusions, The Cop, An On-Star Customer Service Representative, the Ghost of Emilio Estevez’s Career

INT. KIEFER’S CAR – BEVERLY HILLS – NIGHT

KIEFER V.O.: The following takes place between 1:30am and 2am.

KIEFER: I am mega-TV Star Kiefer Sutherland and this is the most drunken night of my life. …this week, anyway.

1:33AM…

KIEFER swerves through traffic, runs a red light, gets up on the sidewalk, etc.

KIEFER: I am drunktastic, and I need to get home NOW! Don’t these people know I have Christmas trees to jump into? GET OUT OF THE WAY! STAND DOWN! Oh crap, was that my turn? Time to flip a bitch! Good thing I’m such a kick ass federal agent slash actor that I can basically do anything with this machine. One more tequila bomb and I’d be up on two wheels, Speed-style. Damn it, Keanu STOLE that role from me! Well pop quiz hot shot, I’m a mega-TV star and you’re nothing but an A-List movie actor. Pwnage courtesy of The Kief!

Police lights flash in his rear-view mirror. He is being pulled over.

KIEFER: Damn it! What have you done, Kiefer? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

He pulls over and turns the car off. THE COP taps on his window.

KIEFER: Officer, we have NO time for this!

THE COP: (sighs) License and registration, Mr. Sutherland.

KIEFER: If you know who I am, then you know what I’m capable of.

THE COP: Yes sir, that’s why I pulled you over.

KIEFER: WHAT IS YOUR PRIMARY OBJECTIVE???

THE COP: Just what I’ve asked for, sir.

KIEFER: You are going to tell me everything I want to know or I swear to God I will hurt you before I kill you, and no one will be able to stop me.

THE COP: License and registration sir, or I’m cuffing you and taking you in and I don’t care if TMZ reports it.

KIEFER: I know you think what you’re doing is right. But it is my job not to let that happen.

THE COP: Look, nobody wants you arrested. We love 24. I just need to write this up so we can say we checked on you. Then you can go.

KIEFER: I don’t have the intel you’re looking for. I need to call in.

1:38AM…

1:38:01AM…

He presses the On-Star button in his car.

KIEFER: Good evening, Mr. Sutherland. Are you drunk and passed out in your car again? I can have an ambulance to your location in ten minutes.

KIEFER: Damn it Chloe, I have NO time for games! I need some intel NOW! Data mine the files and send them to my mobile. DO IT!

ON-STAR CSR: Like I’ve told you before sir, my name is Christine, not Chloe.

KIEFER: I’M RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

THE COP: Settle down sir, and have the On-Star rep send me your information.

KIEFER: (whispering) If you don’t get me that intel right away I’m a dead man.

ON-STAR CSR: (sighs) Just a moment, sir. Fucking actors…

THE COP: By the way, I really liked those Young Guns movies. You and Emilio shooting people, riding horses. Was cool.

KIEFER: Do not talk about the dead with me.

The Ghost of Emilio Estevez’s Career floats into the scene.

GHOST OF EMILIO ESTEVEZ’S CAREER: I’m not dead, Kiefer. I directed a big movie last year. Bobby? You didn’t see it? It got great reviews! Well, not great reviews. No one really liked it, but still, it’s a step up from Mighty Ducks 4.

KIEFER: Last year I was in a Korean jail cell being tortured for this country. I was doing my duty. Also, I was drunk.

GHOST OF EMILIO ESTEVEZ’S CAREER: Bombed again, huh? This is just like the filming of Young Guns 2.

KIEFER: Emilio Estevez Sheen, you are not a movie director.

GHOST OF EMILIO ESTEVEZ’S CAREER: Why don’t you Netflix me and find out.

KIEFER: Trust me, you don’t want to go down that road with me.

GHOST OF EMILIO ESTEVEZ’S CAREER: Screw this! Imma go haunt Charlie. That bastard hasn’t even given me so much as a cameo on his stupid hit show! Fucking actors…

The Ghost of Emilio Estevez’s Career floats away.

ON-STAR CSR: Mr. Sutherland, we have your insurance information ready.

KIEFER: TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO KNOW!

ON-STAR CSR: Tell the officer that I have forwarded your information to his precinct, which will transfer the data to his squad car computer. Have a nice evening, Mr. Sutherland, and get home safe. We need you OK to go out there and protect the country from terrorists.

KIEFER: Copy that, Chloe. I’ll report back to CTU when I’m clear. Kiefer, OUT!

THE COP: I’m going to go write this ticket up and I’ll be back. Don’t move, sir.

KIEFER: If you secure the perimeter, I’ll stand down.

THE COP shakes his head and walks back to his vehicle.

1:42AM…

1:53AM…

THE COP: Sir, unfortunately I’m gonna have to take you in. The Paris incident changed our protocol with celebrities and now we are required to arrest all famous people potentially under the influence. Fortunately for you, Britney’s over at Area tonight, so there are no paparazzi within ten miles of here. We can process and release you without much attention.

KIEFER: I will not get into that car. I MUST GET HOME RIGHT NOW! There’s not much time left. I’m gonna need a hacksaw. …again.

THE COP: A hacksaw, sir?

KIEFER: I can’t find my house keys.

THE COP: Step outside of your vehicle, Mr. Sutherland.

KIEFER: DAMN IT! I only take my orders from the President of the United States. …or in his absence, a character actor to be hired later.

THE COP: I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. Step outside or this is going to get bad.

KIEFER: LISTEN TO ME! I’m drunk, but I can get home. I’m trained for this. Damn it! YOU’VE JUST GOT TO TRUST ME!!

THE COP: You’re obviously too impaired to be behind the wheel of a vehicle. You are a danger to yourself and those around you. For all intents and purposes, you should be sitting in a drunk tank right now, while your expensive car gets impounded. But damn it all if you’re consistent yelling of vague, inoffensive threats hasn’t convinced me of your aptitude. I’m sorry I stood in your way.

KIEFER: I just need to do my job.

THE COP: Godspeed, sir.

KIEFER: With any hope, the country will be safe by morning.

THE COP goes back to his car and Kiefer drives away.

KIEFER: DAMN IT! Close one. Now to complete my mission and report back to command. Let’s just hope I still have a chance…

1:55AM…

KIEFER: Mission accomplished!

2:00AM…

Bangarang!