Here’s a Halloween vid from my former Popload sidekick Rafi and his comedy troupe Ravenstake. My old NowLive boss Nar plays Ace.
Fun Fact #1: My aim name is based on Ace Ventura because I signed up for AOL in 1994 and it was my favorite movie at the time. Now it’s too late to change it, and I look like a geeky jackass everytime I have to explain the origin.
Fun Fact #2: Part of the reason Ace Ventura: Pet Detective was my favorite movie was that it co-starred Dan Marino, my all-time favorite NFL player. That makes me a Miami Dolphins fan, which in turn makes me vomit every Sunday, these days (did we really have to be the first team to lose overseas? It’s bad enough we’re the laughingstock of the NFL, we gotta be shamed internationally now? What’d we do to deserve this? Teal and Orange isn’t THAT bad a color scheme!). And the next person who has to remind me that Dan a) is a shitty actor, and b) never won a Super Bowl, gets a pen lodged in their thorax.
Fun Fact #3: I don’t care that Finkle was Einhorn, I woulda tagged Sean Young in a minute, son! Girl was looking crazy, hot, and crazy hot. Just the way I like my trannies (I learned that from Eddie Murphy.).
Fun Fact #4: Ace Ventura was probably the last time I ever found Courtney Cox truly likeable. At least until the legendary trivia episode of Friends (”That’s not even a wooooord!”).
Fun Fact #5: Three darts is too much!
Fun Fact #6: Four more fun facts to go.
Fun Fact #7: Watching the movie Dolphins play in the Super Bowl was probably the only chance I’ll ever have in my lifetime to see that happen. And yet I can’t jump ship. I will pass this miserable mantle onto my children and my children’s children. Why couldn’t my parents have boughten me a Pats jersey when I was nine? I will now go Peter Pan off a tall building.
Fun Fact #8: I blatantly steal Jim Carrey’s impression of William Shatner whenever I get the chance. Theeeere’s… somethingonthewing! SOME! THIIING!
Fun Fact #9: Pretty hot in these… rhinos!
Fun Fact #10: Dude, no excuses, Ace Ventura is flat out funny and I’m proud to have it as my aim name! AIM me at Ace1333 and we’ll trade quotes.
Have a safe and fun Halloween everyone! I’ll see you on the otherside of November.
There are many proven scientific ways of determining a film’s box office potential. Star power, strength of schedule, cool title, total number of naked boobies, franchise potential, genre, the presence of a precocious boy who can see dead people, etc. My particular method of determining box office potential is rather simple: I look at the movie poster and decide based solely on the image, whether I want to see the movie or not. I take in all the factors (who’s in it, what studio, release date, et al), and weigh them appropriately, but when it comes down to it, if I like the poster I’m seeing the movie.
Jessica Alba and Paul Walker into bathing suits super-imposed over shots of the Caribbean and high speed boats? Yep, that’ll do. A giant, haunting close-up of Zhang Zi Yi’s Geisha-‘d face? Color The Jay intrigued. Kurt Russell holding two guns in the air while all of Chinatown explodes below him? That’s some Big Trouble The Jay can get into. Now on the other hand, The Rock in a football uniform holding a Pomeranian next to a girl in a tutu? Might not be up my alley. Jason Lee’s constipated face looking down at three CGI Shitmonks? Skip and Flame Online! And Ben Stiller getting stung by a jellyfish, while always enjoyable seeing him get humiliated and attacked by wild sea creatures, does nothing to make me want to see another entry in his long line of “hysterical yelling fits, but not in the awesome Al Pacino-way” films.
I’m a simple moviegoer. Show me a couple cool looks at some movie stars, drop a witty tagline, highlight with some nice colors and give me the info I need about the flick. That’s all you have to do to make a poster that will get me to see the movie.
Let’s take a look at the poster for the new Rob Reiner feel-good dramedy “The Bucket List” (quick plot summary: Jack and Morgan are dying, so they make a list of all the things they wanted to do before they die and set out to do them. In the process they become “good men”, as is necessary in any Jack Nicholson feel good movie.), and see if we can determine the movie’s box office potential.
Let’s start with what Jack brings to the table:
Jack’s smiling face: + 8 million
Jack in sunglasses: + 14 million
Jack playing his age: + 10 million
Jack looking mischievous: + 22 million
Jack in an adult comedy without Helen Hunt: + The Jay’s eternal gratitude
How can you look at this poster and not want to see this movie. It tells you absolutely nothing about the film, nor anything about Jack’s character, though none of that matters. As long as you have Jack’s giant head and laconic smile on your poster, the movie will be a hit.
Now add that to the awesomeness that is Morgan Freeman and this movie is destined to make buckets of money (pun intended). The trailer looks great, the poster is infectious fun and the release date is perfect for this kind of movie. If it does less than $150 million, the Golden Globe for Best Comedy and sleeper Oscar nods for Best Actor, Supporting Actor and Picture, somebody screwed up. It’s impossible to go wrong with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman having fun together. Who doesn’t want to see that? They could have a phone book read-off and it would still do $20 million opening weekend. And I bet the poster for that movie would be just as cool.
If you had any reservations about this movie’s worth, watch the trailer and tell me if there’s any chance you’re NOT seeing it:
THIS ARTICLE on Renee’s extensive pre-red carpet beauty regimen is a must read. It will make you shocked at the insane lengths celebrities will go to stay pretty. Let’s just say the word “sand blasting” is prominently involved, and leave it at that. My favorite part of this whole deal is that Renee goes through so much for her appearance and still ends up looking like the above picture. I’m starting to get the feeling that whatever she’s doing, it’s not working.
Or maybe it’s working exactly according to plan and she’s aiming to look like a more red-faced, batshit crazy Sharon Stone? That could be her thing, who knows. It’s possible she’s always wanting to be a living embodiment of an evil Disney villain. Or a burn victim.
With the Fall TV season now a full month in, I have finally seen every new show (save a few insignificant ones – Cane, anyone?), passed judgment on everything and can now reveal my Official TV Watching Schedule. I’ll take you through it day by day, telling you why I like what, and what I’m not watching and why. It’s gonna be a full television disclosure. I’m gonna answer questions like a Lost season finale (only without the crazy fake ass beard).
So sit back, grab your TiVmote and prepare to bloop bloop!
MONDAY
8 p.m.
Chuck – A nice, easy way to start the primetime week. I’m not completely blown away by either the action or the comedy, but I do dig the actors and the attempt at pulling the whole thing together. “Chuck” is a good lead, it’s nice to see Adam Baldwin back on TV (I finally caught up on Firefly this summer and thoroughly enjoyed it), and I can’t get enough of Captain Awesome. I also like how the producers go out of their way to put Yvonne Strahowski in her underwear as much as humanly possible. Why did Sarah have a fight in her slinky grey ass-high robe last week when the outcome was never in jeopardy and there was no reason for the fight to begin with? Who cares, because we got to see a Strahowski blackflip backside peekaboo and it turns out the whole affair was a chickfight between a be-robed Sarah and a red-headed ninja. It’s not even possible to calculate the awesomeness of that gratuitousness. And that’s the type of thing that gets shows season pass-ed in The 209.
How I Met Your Mother – Still a solid sitcom, though they have GOT to find better things for Robin, Lily and Marshall to do. Ted and Barney are doing fine trolling for girls (I was particularly pleased that the season premiere started out with Barney finishing his “Legen… DARY”), but I can’t sit through too many more “Robin has wacky dating hijinks”. Especially if they’re gonna involve skeezy Latin pop stars. Lawyered! Oh, and don’t think for a second that me and A-Train haven’t already purchased our very own championship belt, cause we have. If they can figure out a way to make Marshall and Lily relevant, and a reason for keeping Robin around her ex-boyfriend, there may be hope for the season yet.
9 p.m.
Heroes – Here are the five things currently killing this show:
WAAAAAAAY too boring a storyline for Hiro. Who, by the way, could not be more useless to the overarching plot of the show, and is reaching Charlie-level heights of annoyingness. We know you’re gonna end up being Kensei, so just get it done and blink your ass back into 2007. I don’t get to see Ando if you’re not around and I need my fill of fun comic sidekicks.
WAAAAAAAY too lame new characters. Maya and Alejandro do not have ANYTHING interesting going on. No, not even with Sylar in the mix. Go cry me a black river and wake me when they hit New York in six episodes. This reeks of Nikki and Paolo, but without a much needed buried-alive resolution.
WAAAAAAAY too much Matt Parkman. Seriously. Is he really necessary? Who in their right mind would grant custody of a fugitive seven year-old to a divorced, burnt out ex-cop recovering from four gunshots to the chest and his illegal immigrant roommate (even who happens to be smart. And still boring.)? I call shenanigans.
WAAAAAAAY too much time spent without Kristen Bell showing up already. Let’s step to it, people. The faster we get Veronica Mars on stage, the sooner we get to see the scene where Ali Larter, Hayden Panetierre and Kristen pillow fight over who’s the hottest blonde on the show. SPOILER ALERT: The answer, by the way, is Mr. Muggles.
WAAAAAAAY too many characters. I can barely remember everyone’s names and I’ve seen every episode. Let’s kill off all the newbies, and Parkman and maybe Ali Larter, and get down to business with the Petrelli’s, the Bennet’s, Hiro and Sylar.
That all being said, the show still kicks ass and I wouldn’t dream of missing it.
10 p.m.
Journeyman – One of my three favorite new shows of the Fall. I didn’t realize how much I missed a time travel drama on network television till I sat down to watch the pilot. I’m intrigued by the rules of the game here, like the dynamic of Dan seeing his ex on his journeys and his wife getting pissed back at home. And I’m curious how they are going to explain his continued absences (surely SOMEONE has to see him disappear at some point). Kevin McKidd is a fantastic actor and a great, very watchable series lead. I couldn’t dig this show more.
WHAT I’M NOT WATCHING ON MONDAYS
Aliens in America – I actually liked the pilot, I just have no time for it. This, like Everybody Hates Chris, is just gonna have to be a good CW show I never get into.
The Big Bang Theory – Hate the Galecki. The Cuoco does nothing for me. And that other guy wore my awesome beige Flash shirt in all the promos and now I can’t wear it anywhere without people asking me if it’s an homage (shut up, people!). I have nothing but dislike for this show. Even if CBS were the only station you could watch on your television, I would still recommend doing something else at 8:30 on Mondays. Like watching the end of MNF, or the second half of Chuck, or Aliens in America, or internet porn.
Samantha Who? – I got burnt by a Christina Applegate sitcom once before (Jesse, anyone?), and it’s not happening again. Barry Watson doesn’t help, either.
House – Still plugging along on Hugh Laurie’s endless charisma. I’ve kinda missed the old team, but am buoyed by spending time with Kumar and the hot lesbian from The O.C. (rent Alpha Dog to see her get down naked-style. The movie blows, but that scene is worth it in spades. Spades, son!). My only bit of contention is that Cuddy is becoming more and more ineffectual. Can we get her a storyline, please? One that doesn’t involve her going on a date that will eventually be ruined by House? Because we’ve seen that six times already. Or her telling House he can’t do something and then totally caving. Cause we’ve seen that eleventy-billion times.
Reaper – I’m at odds with this show. I like Bret Harrison. I like Ray Wise. I have a mad crush on Missy Peregym (yes I saw Stick It in theaters. Look, it’s not called GymNICEstics!). And the presence of Kevin Smith is never a bad thing. But the formula is already played out and we’re only on episode five. The freak of the week thing never lasts, just ask The X-Files and Smallville, so here’s hoping they come up with some sort of mythology they can dip into now and then. Also, getting Missy back into her leotard for some tumbling wouldn’t hurt.
10 p.m.
Law and Order: SVU – Nothing much to say about this show. Love the Meloni and the Mariska. The Belzer still needs a chemical peels worse than Bill Murray and Tommy Lee Jones combined. And the ching ching still rocks it.
WHAT I’M NOT WATCHING ON TUESDAYS
Cane – Nothing against Jimmy Smits or Hector Elizondo, two actors I respect, but I have exactly zero interest in this show. And I’m a sugar fiend! (Cane = Sugar? No? Anyone? Bite me.)
Cavemen / Carpoolers – Yeah, right. I’d rather watch Ellen cry about dogs for an hour. At least that’s legitimately funny.
Damages – This one just got away from me. Watched the first 6 or so eps and just fell off track when the season started. The same thing almost happened with Burn Notice, but I like that show more. I’ll catch a marathon or wait for the DVD. So nobody post spoilers.
Pushing Daisies – I like it, don’t love it. The whimsy is nice and all, but I feel like I ate a King Size back of jelly beans by 8:47. And a little Kristin Chenowith (pun intended) goes a LONG way.
9 p.m.
Gossip Girl – My favorite new show of the fall. I’m a sucker for a teen soap and this is trash of the filthiest order. The girls are crazy hot, the drama is ridonkulously melodramatic, the parents are all ILF’s, the clothes are ludicrous, the hair is headshakingly bad and the storylines are as old as Gabrielle Carteris. Also, Kristin Bell. I am unabashedly in LOVE this show. I don’t want to talk out of turn, and we’re gonna need to wait and see how the show falls together a bit, but this might be better than The O.C. This question definitely deserves its own column at some point.
Private Practice – Started off creaky and shameful, is slowly working its way to being credible. Could very well end up better than Grey’s (especially if Shonda keeps on with the execrable Gizzie storyline). And I’d never pass up the chance to watch Kate Walsh do anything for an hour, especially when anything includes naked towel dancing. Though I could do with a LOT less Amy Brenneman.
10 p.m.
Dirty Sexy Money – The third of my favorite new rookies. The cast is uniformly excellent, from Donald Sutherland (who rules all) to Peter Krause returning to his Casey McCall likeability to Natalie Zea being crazy, hot and crazy hot as Karen Darling to William freaking Baldwin happily throwing down with a tranny. And that’s all before we get into Tamara Feldman (who could throw down with Megan Fox, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down). I could watch the antics of the Darling family for years to come. And I hope I get that chance.
WHAT I’M NOT WATCHING ON TUESDAYS
Bionic Woman – Tried hard to like it, but eventually had to accept that the show blows ass. Michelle Ryan does nothing for me. Growing up in the Valley I’ve had my fair share of crazy blondes, so Katee Sackhoff does less than nothing for me. And I can’t stomach Isaiah Washington (even when he’s getting a Bionic beatdown). I might have slogged through it as a change of pace to Private Practice but I can only tape two shows at once and I love Gossip Girl too much.
Kid Nation – I was completely wrong about this show. I thought it would be the biggest show of the year, and as it turns out, it blows harder than Cavemen. They had the kids cutting the head’s off chickens. At 8pm! I nearly booted my Chicken Pad Thai. Child Exploitation, thy name is CBS Reality.
Life – Liked the pilot, but my Wednesdays are already too packed. I’ll catch it when Dirty Sexy Money is in repeats.
30 Rock – I could listen to Tracy Jordan be Anne Heche-crazy for days. I am appealing to the California DMV for my very own “ICU81MI” liscense plate (hilarious!). And then there’s the Werewolf Bar Mitzvah I wish my Mom had let me have:
9 p.m.
The Office – Can we please all agree that the hour long episodes were a bad idea and move on? Thank you. So much filler I couldn’t stand it. Thought I was watching season four of Dawson’s Creek for a while there. Though I’m really liking Jim and Pam as a couple. It was a great choice to not to draw that storyline out. I particularly enjoyed this moment (I love how happy they are about the whole thing, like they couldn’t want to tell someone):
Grey’s Anatomy – OK, I’m never gonna stop watching this show, but holy jeebus, if it was ever gonna happen it would be because of the Gizzie (George & Izzie). Izzie has become such a contemptable character. After the scene of Meredith telling Lexie about her Mom’s death, I started liking Mere again (a feat I never thought possible), which makes Izzie the current worst character on network television (even worse than the ghost of Dawson Leery, Carrie Bradshaw and Ally McBeal put together). If they don’t end that ridiculous, painful, ill-conceived plotline before November sweeps I am seriously gonna consider thinking about maybe not watching every second of each episode. And I mean it!
9:30 p.m.
Scrubs – Gotta watch the final season, even if it’s not funny anymore.
10 p.m.
It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia – Just to get a base!
WHAT I’M NOT WATCHING ON THURSDAYS
Big Shots – I hated myself enough when I watched Sex and the City, I don’t need a bigger dose of self-loathing from the male version.
Friday Night Lights – Took me watching four straight episodes from the Bravo marathon, a plea from TwoP and Bill Simmons and my desire to have a sports show on my schedule for me to finally give this show a chance. And let me tell you, it was worth it. This is one of the best shows on television. Superbly written, directed and acted, with powerful storylines, big issues, and fascinating characters. If you can get past the football stuff and the Texas nonsense, there is a whole lot to love about FNL. Kyle Chandler and Connie Britton put on an acting clinic each week, and there skills are free. Check out everything that’s going in their eyes in this scene:
Brilliant. I picked up the first season on DVD for fifteen bucks last week (and it came with a money back guarantee), and I can’t wait to tear it open and catch up.
WHAT I’M NOT WATCHING ON FRIDAYS
Moonlight – I want to like this show so much. Sophia Myles is hot, Shannyn Sossamon is a guilty pleasure. I’d follow Jason Dohring anywhere. But the lead actor is so so so terrible. Makes me long for David Boreananas terrible. And the writing is atrocious. If Fridays are the TV equivalent of the January movie dumping ground, Moonlight is released on the 5th of the year, every month.
Women’s Murder Club – The only new show I haven’t watched yet. This could go either way. I love me some Angie Harmon, but procedurals never do it for me unless they involve Christopher Meloni punching somebody in the face. I’ll let you know…
Family Guy – The Star Wars tribute episode may be the funniest hour of entertainment of the entire year, and that includes any 60 minutes of Superbad, Knocked Up or any combination of any episode of the Thursday night NBC sitcoms.
See what I mean.
WHAT I’M NOT WATCHING ON SUNDAYS
Viva Laughlin – The only way I’m voluntarily watching Hugh Jackman sing is he if he’s doing his berserker attack with adamantium claw action (should I call you Logan, Weapon X?). And even then I’ll probably be thinking it’s gay (and by that I mean retarded) (and by that I mean I’ve been watching too much House).
So that’s the schedule. Seventeen shows, of which a whopping SEVEN are rookies! What a great slate we got this year. And it only gets better in January when Idol and the Terminator show shows up. Now if I can only find the time to watch everything. It’s a problem. But the kind of problem I don’t mind having.
Attacking Rick Baker in a make-up test for his new movie “The Wolfman”.
Trying to look happy at the Things We Lost In The Fire Premiere.
Standing next to Halle Berry does not help matters.
Enjoying his screen time with Halle. (I look at this picture and all I wanna do is quote Jay from JSBSB, “Look at this morose motherfucker right here!”)
Getting his Che Guevara on, but not looking very… t-shirt and college dorm room-iconic.
Happy happy joy joy time at the Oscars (for which he WON, hello! Can an internet humorist get a smile, here?)
Positively reveling in the Sundance limelight.
Enjoying his cigarette in the creepiest way possible.
Smelling a fart at the premiere of The Pledge.
Smuggling a Pomeranian on his head into the Sin City premiere.
I guess talent really is everything. Course that doesn’t explain Bret Ratner nailing half the models in Hollywood AND Lindsay Lohan (ok maybe Lindsay, but I blame that on the drugs).
