I love me a good motto. I love mottos even better when I can steal them from pop culture. Whether it’s Nicolas Cage’s “B.A.D. - Balls Attitude Direction” from Kiss of Death, “A.A. – Attitude Adjustment” from Rad, or my personal favorite “F.U.B.A.R.” from Tango and Cash, I like to yoink them all for my own personal abbreviated vocabulary. And I’m always on the lookout for a new one; which is why I was only too happy to see Britney Spears recently get in on the motto act.

In one her recent trips to court (for her kids, or her hit n’ runs, or her drug problems, or her communism or whatever), she inexplicably walked up to a reporter and yelled out “Ride, Lick it, Snort it, Fuck it!” and walked away. Now we could go on ad nauseum aover what possessed her to take focus away from her losing custody battle, her possibly getting her license suspended, her maybe getting jail time (which she probably should do at some point), to serve up some juicy grist for her trashy celebritard mill. But we’re not going to. Least of all because I promised not too, but mainly because, who cares? She’s retarded. And not in the mentally handicapped way, I mean she’s an idiot. You can’t put logic or reason behind the actions of an idiot. She dated Criss Angel, for chrissakes, how can we take anything she does seriously? We can’t. But what can do is laud her for awesome motto construction.

Those four words perfectly encapsulate her every waking moment, thereby making the motto a spot on phrase for the way she should live her life. For just one moment, she might have been the most clear, prescient celebrity in a three block radius (assuming Hasselhoff wasn’t around the corner getting drunk and spilling his Whopper Jr. everywhere.). If more celebrities took the time to create a motto about their particular brand of celebridom, it would go a long way to making us like them more. Not that that’s actually going to happen.

Since Britney (bitch!) is the only celebrity with the crazy stones to break themselves down motto-listically, I’ve taken the time to come up with some choice abbreviations for some of the biggest names in Hollywood. With any luck, they’ll be coked out of their minds at the county courthouse one day soon, yelling out the motto I created for them, and then retreating back inside to have their life ripped apart while they worry about when they’ll next get the chance to hit up Taco Bell. An internet humorist can dream…

Other Celebrity Motto’s (in Britney-specific format)

Lindsay Lohan: Drink it, Drug it, Rehab it, Repeat it!

Mel Gibson: Slur it, Jew it, Blame it, Sugartit it!

Tom Cruise: Ensnare it, Contract it, Publicize it, Fake it!

Angelina Jolie: Act it, Homewreck it, Adopt it, Pouty-Lip it!

Bruce Willis: Yippe it, Kay it, Yay it, Motherfucker it!

Keanu Reeves: Whoa it, whoa it, WHOA it, Whoa it?

Orlando Bloom: Act it, Bland it, Bore it, Snore it!

Jennifer Aniston: Oprah it, Vanity Fair it, People it, Milk it!

Ben Affleck: Date it, Act it, Fail it, Direct it!

Kiefer Sutherland: Scream it, Torture it, DUI it, Christmas Tree-Jump it!

David Hasselhoff: Hassel it, Hoff it, Drunk it, Record it!

Nicole Kidman: Curly it, Straighten it, Botox it, Shrill it!

Will Ferrell: Naked it, Baby Jesus it, Cowbell it, Burgundy Done it!

Michael Douglas: Lift it, Tuck it, Botox it, Zeta-Jones it!

Neil Patrick Harris: NPH it, Legen it, Wait it, DAIRY it!

Matthew McConaughey: Crunch it, Tan it, Lance it, Gylleenhall it!

Kiera Knightley: Lemonface it, Lionface it, Bitter Beer Face it, Bitch Face it!

Morgan Freeman: Narrate it, Gravitas it, Charisma it, God it!

Jennifer Lopez: Act it, Sing it, Spanish it, No One Likes it!

Scarlet Johansson: Lip It, Cleavage It, Blonde It, Is That It?

Bangarang!