Former WB It-girl and current Scientology Bride Katie Holmes ran the New York City Marathon this past weekend. She had a lot of time to think about things during her five hour twenty-nine minute run, and by crazy fictional coincidence, I’ve acquired her brain log from the event. Here now is a mile-to-mile breakdown of what Katie was thinking during the race:

Pre-Race Warm-Up: Oh, is there a race going on? Heck, the one day I get the courage to run out on Tom. How’s that for ironic. I’m like Alanis Morissette, except she’s God and I’m not allowed to believe in God. Which is lame cause Tom said- NO! Focus, Holmes! You have a race to run. And if it turns out that you can sneak past Tom at the finish line, you have a new life to live! Get it together!

Mile 1: Wow, it feel so nice being outside on my own. I was starting to forget what it was like not having Scientologists trailing my every move. Now if I can just find a Doctor willing to take the GPS chip out of my neck…

Mile 2: Running is easy! I always did think David Beckham was a pussy. Don’t know why Tom insists on watching all his practices. And post-game showers.

Mile 4: Ooh, is that a Prada store? Eh, I wasn’t gonna win this race, anyway. It was just a chance to get an approved release from the compound. Shopping Break!

Mile 6: “I don’t wanna wait… for our lives to be over…”

Mile 8: I have Diane Keaton in my next movie, too. So suck on THAT, non-enslaved Mandy Moore!

Mile 9: Starting to get numb. Really wish Tom woulda let me take some Advil before the race. But he knows everything, and I’m not fully detoxed of my Christian ways yet. Stupid Top Gun crush!

Mile 10: I wonder when I’ll get to see my family again? Tom says soon, but what does that mean?

Mile 11: Did I really name my kid Suri? Wasn’t I from Ohio at some point? Man, I am not in control.

Mile 12: Starting to regret not wearing a bra.

Mile 13: Is it weird that sometimes when Tom’s away on location I watch my nude scene from The Gift and masturbate with his Jerry Maguire Golden Globe? Shake it off, Holmes! No explanations necessary. You’re doing what you have to do to survive!

Mile 14: Maggie Gyllenhaal. Yikes!

Mile 15: “I want to know right now, what will it be… whoa whoa whoa whoa!”

Mile 16: Yep, total bra regret.

Mile 17: One of these days I’m gonna drop the rope-a-dope and smile from the left side of my face. I will BLOW PEOPLE’S MINDS!

Mile 18: Why am I still running? I’m rich! Can’t I pay some poor Latin girl to do this for me?

Mile 19: “Fuck, fuck, FUCK THA POLICE! N-woooord!“

Mile 21: OMG, this is the worst decision I have ever made. Worse than First Daughter. Worse than dropping out of the Batman sequel. Worse than being contracted to Tom for the next decade. Well, maybe not so much that last one…

Mile 23: I miss Pacey. I don’t care that he was fictional. He bought me a wall!

Mile 24: “I don’t wanna wait, for our lives-” DAMN! That is such an annoying song!

Mile 25: I hope he’s not waiting for me. I hope he’s not waiting for me!

Mile 26: Dammit, there he is! Any chance he doesn’t notice me? Can I just run by him and plead ignorance? No, shit, he’s got the kid. The guy is cunning, I’ll give him that. Alright Katie, you can do this. Just suck it up like all the other times. Smile the desperation smile, kiss him like you’re doing the edited sex scene from Thank You For Smoking (mmm, Aaron Eckhart. I miss real men…) and take Suri away from him the first chance you get.

Finish Line: Yay, I did it! I’m so proud of myself! Alright, here he comes. Well, looks like I missed my chance to be free. Maybe next year, Katie. Maybe next year…

Bangarang!