Let’s right, peoples! Me, the eternal Fabio, is here to take your women, anger your movie stars, and BLOW YOUR MINDS. I am old, craggy, a has-beens has-been, and I was the original male celebritard, but STILL I score with your tiny blonde hotties! Looks at the smiles on their faces. They can’t believe they are in my thrall. They love the Fabio, and want to show me just how much. I will let Hayden run her hands through my luscious brown mane, while Veronica Mars starts an investigation on my taut Italian mid-section. And do you know what she’ll find? Romance. …cause that’s what I named my strapping penis.
The girls want me to be on their TV show, the Heroes, and I have agreed to do it. What’s my super power going to be? SUPER FUCKING AWESOMENESS! My exposed chest renders women powerless. My flowing locks are a truth serum. My teutonic biceps can crush metal. My razor wit literally cuts people to the bone. And my nipples shoot liquified nazi gold. I will be unstoppable, and utterly charismatic, for I am Fabio.
I defeated your ultimate man George Clooney last week; I fear nothing anymore. I break birds with my face! I ruin Reality shows by dating the contestants. I cause divorce just by unbuttoning my flowing, puffy shirt. I promote butter! It’s a Fabio world, and you’re just staring at my book cover.
Come tiny blonde hotties, it is time to fulfill your life-long dream. No, not being successful, respected actors, I mean being with me, Fabio.