So People Magazine has named Matt Damon 2007′s “Sexiest Man Alive”. Which I guess is a fine choice if you like pig-nosed frat boy looking dudes who happen to play bad ass amnesiac spies. I’m a fan of the guy (and it should probably be stated, completely straight), but let’s get real, he’s not better looking than Clooney, Depp or Jude, he just put out a few good movies this year. Also, it was his turn as per the Ocean’s Eleven Collective Sexiest Cast Agreement (if they do a Fourteen, it’s Cheadle’s turn).
The award itself has always gotten way too much press for no particular reason (cause who’s judging this thing, Perez Hilton?), and the distinction is pretty arbitrary (after all, Nick Nolte has one of these). It’s usually nothing more than an opportunity to go on Letterman and make fun of the other guys in the running (this was the sole reason Clooney won last year), and since that’s not even possible this year, the award is especially meaningless. But I guess I gotta be happy for Matt Damon (MATT DAMON!). Bourne Ultimatum was a sweet, sweet flick, he was enjoyable in a rejuvenated Ocean’s Thirteen, he does a hilarious Matthew McConaughey impression and it just makes karmic sense that if Affleck has one of these, Damon needs one too.
And just for funsies:
But what really interests me is not why Damon won, but why everyone else didn’t. So I compiled a list of potential cover boys and tried to come up with a solid excuse for why each of them lost to the star of Stuck On You. Here’s what I came up with:
Brad Pitt – Sexiest Man Alive status called into question as his face is looking more and more like a leather sofa with a bit too much water damage.
Ben Affleck – After already having won the award, did his BFF a favor by graciously bowing out of the race and instead focusing on tagging his hot spy wife, raising his kid, making the best crime drama of the last half decade, and not being a tool. Was a wise choice.
Benicio Del Toro – Maybe if this was People’s “Most Disheveled Man Alive” Award.
Dane Cook – Was in the running until the judges looked at a picture of him, and immediately horked the chicken caeser wraps they had for lunch.
Mark Wahlberg – Did not have a movie to promote, so hence did not win. Also, layout artists for the mag were worried they wouldn’t be able to fit his gihugenormous maw on the cover and no one wanted to fit the bill for a double fold. However, if his M. Night Shyamalan flick scores big next summer, you’re looking at the 2008 winner.
Tom Cruise – Not with that new pageboy haircut he’s rocking. Also, still batshit crazy, which is a rather unavoidable sexiness detraction.
Jonah Hill – Deserved serious consideration if only for coining the mighty phrase “fellashe”, which I totally ninja yoinked from Superbad.
Antonio Banderas - No, no, too sexy, TOO SEXY!
Daniel Radcliffe – A shoo-in for the 2010 crown after he throws down with Voldemort and swerves on surprise hottie “Your Wands To Measly For” Ginny Weasley, in the Deathly Hallows movie,.
Seth Rogen – He tagged Katherine Hiegl in Knocked Up and become an international star; at this point, anything is possible. He could win Mr. Olympia and I wouldn’t be surprised. I’d just be like: “Good Front Lat Spread, sloppy guy who inexplicably nailed Izzie Stevens and learned a valuable, but only slightly funny, lesson in responsibility.”.
Ben Stiller – Simian-looking comedians with an ever-decreasing oeuvre of quality movies need not apply.
Justin Timberlake – Judgment of sexiness still in question from his decision to journey through Cameron Diaz’s Hugemongus Mouth for an extended period of time. Recent excursions through Scarlet Johansson Ave. and Jessica Biel Blvd. are a step in the right direction, though. A quick jaunt through Jessica Alba Lane and he’ll be on the fast track for the 2009 crown.
Jason Statham – Kickass bald action stars get no respect.
Bruce Willis – See above.
Patrick Dempsey – Taken off the list when voters remembered how bloody intolerable and douchebaggy Dr. McDreamy was last season on Grey’s. He should have let Meredith drown.
Jake Gyllenhaal – This isn’t a contest for The Advocate, let’s get real.
Hilary Swank – Not technically a man. Though I’ve never actually seen evidence proving that fact.
Tim Riggins – Too drunk to remember to submit his application. Also, too busy playing Y Tu Mama Tambien with Jason Street and Lyla Garrity.
Samuel L. Jackson – I blame those motherfucking snakes on that motherfucking plane, cause no one has ever looked sexier chaining a sex-crazed Christina Ricci to a radiator, whilst rocking a bald head and grey mutton chops. Okay, maybe Esquire’s Sexiest Woman on the Planet (seriously?), Charlize Theron, for the five minutes in Monster before you realized you just could NOT get past the fact that she was playing a psychotic she-bitch with bad teeth and a Britney pooch.
Criss Angel – Douchebag manscara wearers need not apply. Also, too much skeevy association with wrecked blonde girls (see: Spears, Britney and Diaz, Cameron).
Peter Petrelli – Would have been an awesome choice, despite being fictional and currently stuck in an unwatchable season of Heroes.
Gerald Butler – Had the inside running until grumblings about his 300 abs being digitally enhanced bogged down his candidacy. When informed of the decision, Butler kicked the Editor-in-Chief of People down a large well and yelled “THEY’RE! REAL! AND! THEY’RE! SPECTAAAAAAACULAR!”
Kiefer Sutherland – Might have had a chance if his show hadn’t sucked this year, and he didn’t spend all his off-time getting ripped and jumping into Christmas trees.
Clive Owen – No idea why he didn’t win. I mean, did you see Children of Men? He survived multiple gun battles, delivered a baby, protected a mother and child in a war zone, took a bullet to the stomach and STILL rescued humanity. How is Jason Bourne cooler than that? Not to mention him tagging Monica Bellucci and pwning it up in those insane gun fights in Shoot ‘Em Up. And no one on the planet drops a “fucking cunt” bomb better than him. Which goes a long way in my book. This should have been the guy.
Orlando Bloom – Technically not considered a real “man”. But he has the Kids People “Sexiest Bland Pussy Boy Alive” Award in the bag!