Let me attempt for one moment to try and conjure up the appropriate words for how utterly, disgustingly, punch a kitten in the face cute Kristen Bell and Rachel Bilson are standing next to each other at The Spike TV Video Game Awards.

Here is the breakdown, cute girl by cute girl:

Rachel Bilson is quite possibly the cutest tiny brunette working in Hollywood right now. No one holds a candle to how adorable she is seducing Chuck Bartowski with a sandwich, reigning in Seth Cohen’s acres of shit, or making Zach Braff seem palatable in the Garden State rip-off. Jennifer Love Hewitt and Rachel Leigh Cook have passed the torch. Ellen Page dropped a cabal of pithy Juno-esque toss-offs before high-tailing it out of the ring to ironically drink a Big Gulp, text Michael Cera and download Rise Against mp3’s, or whatever else stupendously hip thing hipster Canadian indie darlings like to do to show how stupendously hip they are. The inarguably awesome Leighton Meester, currently seen destroying Chuck Bass’ hopes and dreams and dropping her V-Card into Nate Archibald’s khaki pants, put up a Blair Waldorf-inspired fight, but in the end could not hide from the fact that she is in fact a strawberry blonde (and not nearly as awesome as Lily van der Woodsen). And as far as Natalie Portman goes, she’s definitely all-time, but I just can’t sit through her movies anymore, so she’s gonna sit on the sidelines until my insulin levels are regulated again from the trailer for Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium.

Kristen Bell is apparently on a James Brown “hardest working cute blonde in show business” inspired jaunt through geekdom. Dropping the awesome in Heroes, narrating Gossip Girl, appearing in a Star Wars fanboy movie called Fanboys wherein she dons the infamous gold bikini and thus earns her everlasting cred in the social awkward circles of life, voiced a character for Assassin’s Creed, and wore a freakin awesome yellow Chewbacca shirt to Star Wars Celebration IV this summer that made me nearly go Buffalo Bill and drop her into my secret dungeon well (Veronica Mars puts the lotion in the basket…). That’s all AFTER pwning the TV set with Veronica Mars, and BEFORE her upcoming star turn in 2008’s big Judd Apatow-produced romcom Forgetting Sarah Marshall (where I’m sure she’ll show the good graces not to call the film sexist target=blank, like some other ungrateful / annoying blonde TV tarts who are currently ruining their hit network dramas with obnoxious “sex with George” storylines, and who will remain nameless. cough Heigl cough.)

On their own they could make entire terror cells perform the care bear stare with just a tilt of their head and one sheepish grin, but put together in one place and the two girls become positively radioactive with cuteness. If scientists could bottle their cuteosity in liquid form it would cure feline leukemia and bring fairies back to life faster than a Martin Scorsese Lifetime Achievement Award standing ovation. Put on the Periodic Table of Elements their abbreviation would be Qt.

They are so freakin cute they make baby polar bears look like festering gobs of diarrhea. Rainbows look like hurl next to them. A two year old wearing a tutu and big sunglasses dancing around a golden retriever puppy would be like looking at a particularly spicy genital wart next to a picture of Kristen Bell and Rachel Bilson.

This photo would make Quagmire’s head explode. This photo, when placed next to a DVD copy of Patch Adams, goes nuclear and turns the disc into dust like Peter Petrelli and the Shanti virus. I would c-punt a litter of bunnies if this picture asked me to.

This:

Might as well look like this:

When up against this:

Good god damn this is the cutest picture of two cute actresses taking a cute picture of two cute actresses being cute. That sentence was a palindrome of cute. The picture deserves it’s own Wikipedia page where under “Related” it gives you a link to entry page for the term “cute”. When confronted with these two girls standing next to each other, the Blake Smoke Monster from Lost would turn pink and cook them fat free brownies.

What I’m saying is that I tend to think Kristen Bell and Rachel Bilson are pretty cute.

Bangarang!