2008: The Year of The Jay!

I don’t do resolutions. To resolve to do something is to assume I was too lazy or lame to do the thing I am resolving to do, and I am not lame or lazy. I am, point in fact, quite awesome. And I don’t need resolutions to tell me that. I don’t smoke. I eat healthy. The only thing I drink is fine wine and the occasional Ryan Atwood-inspired 7 and 7. I work out regularly and am thin and fit as a result. I talk to my parents on a weekly basis. And I’ve already started lowering my sugar intake. I read all the time (just caught up with the Y: The Last Man series. It’s totally ninja. Brian K. Vaughan is pimper than Mike Epps with a powder hand slap.).

And with the strike still going strong my TV watching is receding worse than Nic Cage’s hairline. His toupee in National Treasure 2 looked like a raccoon barfed up Burt Reynolds toupee which then mated with Sean Connery’s toupee and the offspring grew up and went to a liberal arts college where it hooked up with Britney Spears’ hippie post-Bic wig and THAT offspring was born with Down Syndrome but through goodwill and perseverance grew up to be a champion for wig rights, but one day was involved in a horrific toxic sludge explosion that turned him into something else, something unnatural, something that Nic Cage would be unashamed of wearing on the big screen. (Thankfully, the movie is good despite the wig. Fine ass Helen Mirren being too fine certainly didn’t hurt the proceedings.)

So you see, what would I need to resolve to do, anyway? Instead, I like to make goals. Goals I can reach that will progress my life and career in more positive ways than guilting myself into not having that extra Double Chocolate Mint Milano cookies or reading a few more trashy James Patterson hard covers. So because I am boastful and arrogant and not worried about having something I wrote thrown back into my face twelve months later, here is my list of goals for the New Year.

The Year of The Jay.

A little something I like to call “2008JAY8”!

  • 137 posts over the course of the year (137 is a GREAT number).

  • 50,000 unique visitors per month for the site.

  • Alexa ranking in the top 75,000.

  • Launch the first wave of Movie ObscuriTees.

  • Sell 300 Movie ObscuriTees.

  • See 100 movies in theaters (pay for as very few as possible).

  • Meet Ben Affleck and tell him “He was the bomb in Phantoms, yo!”

  • Start posting “The Stirring Tales of Master Assassin Dakota Fanning” (Episode One: Shinoku’s Revenge!).

  • Shake Jack Nicholson’s hand (I have a thing for shaking the hand of 70’s movie stars. Burt Reynolds gave me the best shake of my life. And yes, that is a euphemism. Hiyo!)

  • Feed Jenna Jameson and a hamburger (and as a show of her gratitude, let me touch her boobs).

  • Hit the tanning salon, you know, just to get a base!

  • See one picture of Renee Zellweger on a red carpet where she’s dropping a HappyFace.

  • Buy a TV so big it would make Barney Stinson weep in jealousy.

  • Do whatever it takes to get Friday Night Lights a 3rd Season renewal.

  • Get added to the press list of all the major studios (and thus gaining me untold amounts of free schwag and free advanced screenings).

  • Launch an American Idol-focused radio show on NowLive.com.

  • Have my coverage of Idol rewarded by being invited to the Season Finale Extravaganza at the Kodak Theatre where I can beatbox with Blake, light the wax candle that is Carrie and surreptitiously keep Kelly from the buffet line.

  • See all five Best Picture nominees, regardless of what they end up being (even if one of them is Sweeney Todd).

  • Get nominated for the 2008 Weblog Award for Best Culture Blog (for a third year running!) and place in the Top 3.

  • Monetize TheJay.com (apologies in advance for the influx of ads, Papa needs to make some kaysh).

  • A Google page rank of 8 or above.

  • Wake up in the morning and poop excellence. Just because.

  • Author an infamous YouTube video (Don’t tase TheJay, bro! Don’t tase TheJay!).

  • Meet Keanu Reeves and have him thank me for my support. And add a “whoa” to the end of the gratitude.

  • A winning season for the Dolphins next year. Or at the very least, 6 or 7 wins.

  • Enjoy Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

  • Not get arrested for stabbing some asshat in the thorax cause he wouldn’t shut up during Iron Man.

  • Guest blogging around the net. So watch out for The Jay, he’s on the move…

The Jay wishes everyone a Happy New Year and a great 200JAY8!

Bangarang!