A little Lost-spoofage from my boys at Ravenstake to get you in the mood for the Lost Season 4 Premiere:
Vader is actually perfect as a villain for this show. He has a huge bad daddy complex, becomes less menacing as time goes on, can easily perform a one thousand yard stare, totally believes in things that don’t make any sense (hello, the Force!), and is, under the mask, actually a really annoying guy. He’s like Ben, but with breathing problems, a lightsaber and a much higher midichlorian count.
I’m sure once Lucas sees this he’s gonna put out a Revenge of the Sith Special Edition where Anakin brings Obi-Wan to see the Emperor in a shack on Degobah, only the Emperor is INVISIBLE!!! Mace Windu will still be a complete bitch, though. That won’t change.
(Btdub, isn’t “I Find Your Lack Of Faith Disturbing” the absolute BEST title for a post about Lost? Damn I’m creative! Holla atcha boy!)
I have a right lot of business to tether. I can not dither around here with you lot. It is imperative I make haste to my appointments. You and your queer fuck buddies are being an obstacle to me, and I find you to be quite a fine pain in my arse.
Are you gonna be on your way?
Belt up all that commotion, yeah! I can hear you ringing up my name, can’t I? I bloody well have ears! I am so brassed off at you lot, keeping me from my appointments. You are being rather cheeky with your instigations about my private life. I should give you bloody savages a hard kick in the bum, is what I should do.
Are you gonna be on your way?
Now I am getting cheesed off! I stop at this streetlight, minding my own bloody business and trying to have a fag, and here you bunch of nancy boys are just trying to make some quid from my haggard face and dodgered body. You’re making me into a wreck, and I won’t let you. I’m a proper girl now. Madge and me mum saw to that. Me knickers are staying on now, so you can clear off. I’m no longer the daft bird I once was.
Are you gonna be on your way?
Bollocks all! You’re a bunch of dodgy whores, just trying to snap shots of my full monty. What will it take to make you people chuff off? Do you want a close-up of my starking twat? Would that make you happy? A little how’s your father with the little Brit? Do you fancy me, yeah? Do you fancy good ‘ole Brit? I should say you do. But you can’t have it! None of you lot can. Keep your todgers in your trousers boys, there’ll be no hanky panky for you journo’s… except maybe the Arab one I’m snogging right now. So you are all wasting your time. I will merely sit here until you sod off.
Are you gonna be on your way?
Look you twits, I am jolly knackered and I still have a full day ahead of me. I am expected at the dance parlour for rehearsal, then I am to meet with a Barrister to discuss my parenting with my wanker ex-husband, I’m due to get piss up with me mates tonight, and, as a topper, I am in dire need of a gas station loo to use without my sandals on. All that amidst the LA traffic queue. So you see I have no time for this dalliance.
Are you gonna be on your way?
What? What are you going on about? Are you having a laugh? Of course this is my bloody voice! I’m not pissing around. Why would I make this up? It’s bad enough the courts sacked me as a mother and the public thinks I’m looney, but now this rubbish about the way I speak? That’s a load! Don’t you people get it? I am off my trolley! I was born in Louisiana! I jolly well nicked this gimmick from Madonna to try and seem classy. And it’s not working. This whole deal is total pants.
There are sooo many reasons why 27 Dresses opened to nearly $30 Million over the 4-day MLK weekend. Just off the top of my head…
The ad campaign that focused on the movie being from the writer of The Devil Wears Prada.
The involvement of the far more awesome James Marsden.
A relatable premise (no girl likes to be a bridesmaid).
The fact that there hasn’t been a straight-up romcom in theaters in nearly a year.
The face that there is NOTHING else for women to see in theaters right now.
Men owed their girlfriends and wives a chick flick after subjecting them to four months of football watching.
Like me, people were going to the movie solely for the purpose of making fun of Katherine Heigl.
And I’d like to point out that 27 Dresses has a 37% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Not exactly the stuff of romcom glory (Juno, in comparison, is at 93% freshness).
So why do we all of a sudden think she’s a movie star? She wasn’t more than a piece of lawn furniture in Knocked Up. I’ve gone on record as saying she was the problem of the movie. Her “prettiness”, or what have you, completely derailed the plot; there was just no way that a girl like her would actively choose to stay with a guy like Seth Rogen. Maybe she wouldn’t have gotten a shmashmortion, but she wouldn’t have dated the guy. Also, the movie was overrated, and I could have done without the three close-ups of the crowning stunt vag.
Adding to this the fact that Heigl is currently KILLING Grey’s Anatomy. Her George-Izzie storyline single-handedly destroyed the watchability of last season and, barring the writer’s strike, would have probably side-tracked the current one. She’s the most grating, self-involved, smug, witless character on the show, and I LOATHE the Pompeo. Patrick Dempsey’s hair is even all “Cool it with the smugness, lady. You’re not that cute! Now where did my Personal Coif Attendant go?”
So where are her star credentials?
Are we going all the way back to her classic work in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, where she disappointed every male viewer by not following in the hallowed footsteps of Erika Eleniak’s gorgeous “popping out of a cake” tittyballs? Or the time when her brief thong flash in My Father, The Hero caused a 13 year-old The Jay to grudgingly sit through a Gerard Depardieu movie because there was no such thing as You Tube back in the day?
The fact is she’s only been likeable or even interesting twice in her entire career. First when she posed topless for a Maxim spread, back when that magazine meant something; and second, her strip foosball scene in 100 Girls, which led her character to mack down with pre-approved hottie Larisa Oleynick. That’s it. Those are the two moments. Everything else she has ever done is forgettable and worthless.
Moreover, opening a romantic comedy in January hardly warrants comparisons to Julia, Reese and Sandra. There have been plenty of It Girls who opened a romcom and were never a contender again. For example:
Julia Stiles opened Save the Last Dance in January of 2001 to the same amount of money as 27 Dresses (more if you amend for inflation), and she can barely open regional theatre these days. She was the second lead of one of the biggest movies of 2007, does anyone even care if she’s breathing right now?
Kate Hudson opened How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days to a cool $100 mil, but her combined B.O. grosses for The Skeleton Key, Raising Helen and Alex & Emma (in total: $26 dollars) seem to point to McConaughey being the key to the success. That’s why Fool’s Gold is gonna make a mint. People want to see his abs, not hers. God bless evolution.
Lindsay Lohan opened Mean Girls and look what happened to her movie career. The drugs and the whoring and the Hilton did her in, but the godawful movies were the coffin she laid to rest in (unless someone out there thinks I Know Who Killed Me was a positive step in her career).
The fact of the matter is that there are very few women who can truly open a movie. This is the list:
Julia Roberts
Jodie Foster
That’s it. Everyone else has qualifiers to their successful openers (most of the time it’s due to their male co-stars). Let’s go down the list of the women the LA Times believes are in the “Omega Mega Bucks” sorority (cause THAT’s not setting women back a decade).
Julia Roberts: Pretty much retired. And she has nothing to prove anymore. When she puts out a movie, it’s an event, period.
Reese Witherspoon: Can’t open a movie. Legally Blonde was years ago, the sequel was diminished returns, Just Like Heaven tanked, Walk the Line was Oscar bait, Rendition bombed even with her on-set romance pub, and her current movie, Penelope, has been on the shelf for two years cause nobody thinks it’ll do any business. She’s a big star, but call me when her name and face open a sub-par dramedy above $13 mil.
Cameron Diaz: Aside from being successful at always looking like she just woke up from a three day coke bender, her movies haven’t done jack since before Tom Cruise went batshit crazy (can you even remember that far back?). Also, you’re not an opener when you’re doing romcoms with Ashton Kutcher called “What Happens In Vegas”. That’s just me being real with you.
Sarah Jessica Parker:Can’t open an equestrian show. Failure To Launch was the same as How To Lose A Guy…, the presence of Matthew McConaughey and a V-Day Release Date. Sex and the City will open big, but that’s a brand. Would you really see her in a movie if her co-star wasn’t Wooderson or the Sex girls? Me neither.
Drew Barrymore: If you’re goal is $50 million domestic, then Josie Grosie is your girl. But you gotta pair her with a cute boy to get it. Ever After was a loooong time ago.
Rachel McAdams:Can definitely open a movie… if she ever decides to make another one. Also, if she had starred in 27 Dresses, it would have beaten Cloverfield, and I would have already seen it twice. Warrants mentioning…
Jennifer Aniston: Please! Along Came Polly was Ben Stiller’s flick. The Break Up was sold on Vince Vaughn. Bruce Almighty was Jim Carrey’s show. HER movies, Derailed & Friends With Money, tanked. I watched her for free for ten years, why would I ever pay to see her doing anything onscreen (showing her boobies boobies boobies, notwithstanding)?
Angelina Jolie: Not without Brad Pitt.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Not without George Clooney.
Halle Berry: Not without showing her tits.
Renee Zellweger: Not without Bitchface removal surgery. Or a British accent.
Kirsten Dunst: Not without Spider-Man. (Or her being executed on-screen.)
Orlando Bloom: Not technically a chick, but does have a lovely vag, I’m told. No matter, can’t open anything without Johnny Depp, anyway.
It takes years and multiple hits for a woman to attain true movie-opening power. Jodie opened Flightplan, a movie so bad that Jodie Foster would rather admit she scissors her life partner than talk about that flick. Could Heigl open a Flightplan? I think not.
Consider Katherine Heigl’s personality and persona for a minute. Would you really go see her next movie if it wasn’t released in January, where your options are her or a vomit-inducing monster flick that’s sold out? No, you wouldn’t. She’s not opening a dark drama without a bigger male star, or an in-jeopardy thriller (not if Ashley Judd has anything to say about it), the two other genres women tend to do well in. I wouldn’t buy her in a Sci-Fi blockbuster. And there’s eight-trillion other hotties I’d rather see in a Bruckheimer style action flick (Megan Fox, for starters). So what does that leave her? Romcoms? How many more of these are you gonna buy her in? One, two tops? She should ask Mandy Moore or J.Lo what that career path looks like.
The bottom line is that she got lucky with this one. It won’t happen again. So we, and especially the LA Times, needs to cool it with the STAR IS BORN talk. I can’t be convinced to think of Scarlet Johansson as a true movie star and her T&A is faaaar better than Heigl’s. Also, ScarJo never emasculated George O’Malley, ruined his marriage to Callie, and forced me to pray for more Pompeo screentime. Sigh…
Whilst perusing through the gruesome (yet really well done) coverage of Death Ledger on Defamer this morning, I caught a story that made my left eyebrow shoot up like Kevin Arnold staring down a horny Winnie Cooper. It was a piece detailing some of the more juicy excerpts from one-time Body Heat uber-hottie and current Tranny To The Stars, Kathleen Turner’s, upcoming auto-biography. It was the usual bits of dishy goodness; Michael Douglas is ruthless, William Hurt loves him some drugs, yada yada yada. But then the piece went into Ms/Mr. Turner’s account of working with bad movie scion Nicolas Cage in Peggy Sue Got Married.
Apparently, in a fit of paralyzing nepotism-based insecurity, Mr. “How’d it Get BURNED!“, would act out to prove he was more than just Francis Ford Coppola’s dipshit mooch nephew (which he was at the time). Let’s see what the chatty Kath Man had to say on the matter:
“Everything Francis wanted him to do, he went against to show that he wasn’t under his uncle’s wing. Which was ridiculous. Oh, that stupid voice of his and the fake teeth! Honestly, I cringe to think about it. He caused so many problems,” Turner writes. “He caused so many problems. He was arrested twice for drunk-driving and, I think, once for stealing a dog. He came across a chihuahua he liked and stuck it in his jacket.”
BWAHAHAHA!
I would kill, literally take a man’s life, to see Nicolas Cage scoop a random stray dog into his jacket and walk away like nothing ever happened. And to be the cop who had to book his petnapping ass? Bliss!
“The criminal is being charged with Grand Theft Doggo, as well as Assault & Battery on the movie-going public. Charges were dropped, though, due to the ham-fisted actor’s cooperation in helping us to determine just How It Got Burned.”
BTDub, that video is the only pop culture-y thing that makes me happy after 24 hours of HeathDeathGate. Well, that, and this one, of course:
Bapada Boopie?
Uber-hee!
Anyway…
You know I can’t let a story like this go without some severe celebrtiy skewering. Or at the very least, some minor lambasting. So as a result, here are some other on-set shenanigans Nicolas Cage was a party to:
On the set of National Treasure, Nicolas Cage… payed the entire crew $10 a piece to call Justin Bartha “Jason Biggs” for a whole day. As a result Bartha had to be physically restrained from hanging himself, and is no longer able to look at Apple Pie the same way.
On the set of National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Nicolas Cage… refused to call Helen Mirren anything but “Mommy Sweet Tits”. She was not offended. And I mean really, why would she be?
On the set of Honeymoon in Vegas, Nicolas Cage… replaced Sarah Jessica Parker’s face cream with equine skin softener. This is why she now looks like a broked-out stable horse. Her marriage to an effete former hipster was unrelated (we think).
On the set of Moonstruck, Nicolas Cage… robbed a liquor store on a dare from a drunken Danny Aiello and ended up shooting a man in the head. The man survived, but was rendered mentally challenged. He was in a coma for some time, then woke up and eventually completed physical therapy by painting pictures of Ritz Cracker boxes. This man’s name was Henry, and we regard him.
On the set of Amos & Andrew, Nicolas Cage… continually put non-poisonous snakes in co-star Sam Jackson’s trailer. This is why he’s now had it with these muthafuckin snakes!
On the set of Con Air, Nicolas Cage… requested a daily supply of five purebred llamas be brought to his trailer. Upon arrival, they were lined up by height and left to wait. Twenty minutes later, Nic would walk up and punch each of them square in the face three times; he did this to get into character. The llamas never fully recovered from the humiliation.
On the set of It Could Happen To You, Nicolas Cage… developed a twitch that caused himseld to pull one hair off his head every time Rosie Perez spoke. This is why he currently has no hair.
On the set of 8MM, Nicolas Cage… actually killed a guy on-screen. But since it was a really good take, Joel Schumacher didn’t want to say anything. So he yelled “Cut and Print” and everyone just backed away really slowly.
On the set of Face/Off, Nicolas Cage… had to be told more than a dozen times that he wouldn’t ACTUALLY be switching faces with John Travolta. He was pretty bummed, too, cause he thinks Johnny T is a goodlooking dude and he was getting psyched to take that ridiculous chin out for a test drive.
On the set of Gone in Sixty Seconds, Nicolas Cage… farted on the hood of every car he walked past. Why? Only the Cagebird knows…
On the set of Leaving Las Vegas, Nicolas Cage… propostioned Elizabeth Shue every day with ever increasing amounts of money for sex, claiming it was for method acting purposes and had nothing to do with thinking she was in any way attractive (The Jay Note: I believe this.). Apparently, if you have $472,000 you can have one hell of a night with Elisabeth Shue. (Brother Andrew can watch, but it’s an extra hundy and you have to play soccer with him afterwards. Not worth it!)
On the set of Ghost Rider, Nicolas Cage… insisted that his skull be actually lit on fire before every take. Nobody had any objections.
On the set of Next, Nicolas Cage… finally opened his petting zoo of captured stray dogs. He called it Nic Cage’s Wide Wild World of Weiner Dogs and More! and featured the largest collection of confused chihuahua’s in the history of the world. The crew brought all their children, Purell was given out as a souvenir and Nic wore a purple top hat and green speckled parachute pants for the occasion. Admission was $39 for California residents.
UPDATE: It’s true. His housekeeper found him dead on the floor of his apartment. Police apparently responded to a cardiac arrest call. He died at 3:26pm EST.
Cardiac Arrest means drugs.
I now have another reason to hate A Knight’s Tale (beyond Shannyn Sossamon). The star of the movie just overdosed and left his two year-old child without a father.
Way to go, Brokeback.
ORIGINAL POST:
CNN.com is reporting that Heath Ledger has been found dead in his NYC apartment.
And I am freaking the eff out.
I hope this is not true. The Joker can’t go out like this…
Today, 
That’s it. Everyone else has qualifiers to their successful openers (most of the time it’s due to their male co-stars). Let’s go down the list of the women the LA Times believes are in the “Omega Mega Bucks” sorority (cause THAT’s not setting women back a decade).
Consider Katherine Heigl’s personality and persona for a minute. Would you really go see her next movie if it wasn’t released in January, where your options are her or a vomit-inducing monster flick that’s sold out? No, you wouldn’t. She’s not opening a dark drama without a bigger male star, or an in-jeopardy thriller (not if Ashley Judd has anything to say about it), the two other genres women tend to do well in. I wouldn’t buy her in a Sci-Fi blockbuster. And there’s eight-trillion other hotties I’d rather see in a Bruckheimer style action flick (Megan Fox, for starters). So what does that leave her? Romcoms? How many more of these are you gonna buy her in? One, two tops? She should ask Mandy Moore or J.Lo what that career path looks like. 
Whilst perusing through the gruesome (yet really well done) coverage of Death Ledger on 
