Things Overheard At Lindsay Lohan’s Marvel Superheroes Photoshoot

The Scene: For no particular reason, Lindsay Lohan poses in a photoshoot with a slew of low-fi attired Marvel superheroes. Taking a break between shots, La Lohan chats up The Incredible Hulk

The Players: “Recovering” Celebritard (from alcohol, not from being a ‘tard), Current US Ambassador of Chlamydia Transportation to the Nation of Italy, and one-time supremely pre-approved redheaded hottie, Lindsay Lohan, and The Incredible Hulk (not played by Eric Bana)

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD. – LOS ANGELES – DAY

HULK daintily sips his coffee whilst leaning against a concrete wall. LINDSAY LOHAN slinks up to him, with a glint of skank in her eyes.

LINDSAY LOHAN: Hey, cutie.

HULK: HULK ON BREAK!

LL: Lindsay on break too. From alcohol. I don’t care what that fat fatty Perez said, I was so NOT drinking champagne on New Years. That was apple cider. With champagne flavoring.

HULK: HULK RESPECT SOBRIETY!

LL: You are so cute. I loved you in Troy.

HULK: HULK NOT ERIC BANA!

LL: OMG! What is Brad Pitt like? He wouldn’t even let me blow him when I saw him in the Men’s at the Globes last year. Whatever, he’s a lame Father now. I don’t need a Father, right?

HULK: HULK THINK THERAPY GOOD FOR YOU!

LL: Wow, Eric Bana, you are so ripped! Where do you work out?

HULK: HULK STAY HEALTHY BY EATING RIGHT EXERCISING AND AVOIDING CARBS!

LL: Do you take anything to get that big? Do you get high? OMG! Do you have anything? Cause I can NOT partake. I am totes two weeks clean. And that is supes important to other people. So if you have anything you need to do it somewhere else. Like my trailer. Just go and do it and leave it there if you have to.

HULK: HULK DARE TO SAY NO!

LL: I am so effing bored right now…. (thinks for a moment) You know, I look really sexy in green. Maybe we should go see what I’d look like with your green on me?

HULK: HULK NO WANT STD!

LL: Unh, you are so indecipherable! Like a swarthy, dumb Italian boy. I just want to make out with you in front of five or six paparazzi and then never see you again.

HULK: HULK NEEDS QUIET! HULK PREPARING FOR NEXT SHOT!

LL: I totally respect your process. I was like that too, once. I had my own process. I would sit in my trailer, learn my lines, take a deep breath and make sure I was fully prepared to be on camera. Man, I was so lame two years ago.

HULK shakes his head in disappointment.

LL: I know, right? I was such a dork. Now I’m just like fuck my shit what do I even need lines for? It’s called life experience, hello? I don’t even need to know my character’s name now. I am that in the moment at all times. Did you see I Know Who Killed Me?

HULK: HULK NO WATCH CRAP!

LL: Me neither, that’s why I only pick good movies. So, like, when I had to do my stripping scenes, I didn’t even need a moment to prepare. I WAS that girl. I KNEW her. Also, when I blew that guy on a boat in Georgia Rules? Same thing.

HULK: HULK NO LIKE JANE FONDA! NO SUPPORT TROOPS IN VIETNAM!

LL: Oh My God, is that a new club? Have you been? Can you score there? Um, like, have a good time, I mean?

HULK: VIETNAM NOT CLUB! WAS GROUND WAR CONFLICT BETWEEN USA AND COUNTRY OF VIETNAM IN 60’S AND 70’S!

LL: I should so do a period piece. I was gonna do one with Keira but I showed up on set and the script had so many goddamn big words in it, and I didn’t even get to hump any cute British guys. And I was like: “Meryl Streep says I’m a good actress, so WTF I have to prove to you bitches” and walked. They were crazy pissed at me, so I fucked my agent, got a fifth of Belvy and just chilled the fuck out with J-Pivs for a few days and it was all good.

HULK: LAST SEASON OF ENTOURAGE NOT VERY GOOD! MEDELLIN A BAD IDEA FOR VINCE AND E!

LL: Jesus hell, this is set is as boring as Utah, but with less broom closets to bang married guys in. We need to hurry it up. I have a 16 Days Sober Party at Shelter in like four hours. There’s gonna be a Grey Goose Fountain, it’s gonna be sick. And totes healthy.

HULK rolls his eyes. Looks down to see Lindsay humping his leg. He shakes her off.

LL: Sorry, my idiot NA sponsor says I’m an addict. That I use sex as a replacement for my addiction to drugs. And I was all, “Shut your face dude, I’m busy!” Like how can I have an intense conversation about my emotional well-being when I’m blowing him? He just couldn’t handle how logical I am.

HULK: PUNY CELEBRITARD! HULK MISS INNOCENT GIRL FROM PARENT TRAP REMAKE!

LL: I am so PENT UP! All work and no play make Lindsay go something something! I just need to take a drive down PCH doing 90 at 2am and I’ll be fine.

HULK: NO DRIVING! LICENSE SUSPENDED DUE TO USUABLE AMOUNT OF COCAINE AND CHASING ASSISTANT!

LL: You are so starting to bore me, Eric Bana. Are we gonna take pictures of us fucking or should I go see what the Dolly Grip is doing?

HULK stares at Lindsay. Then pulls his mask off.

HULK: Alright, that’s it. Look, I’m not Eric Bana and I’m not The Incredible Hulk. My name is Brian. I’m a character actor from Chicago. I’m doing a play at the Complex Theatre on Santa Monica next Thursday, if you’re free. And I was hired to do this photo shoot. I wasn’t going to say anything to you, but I can help it. What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you the way you are? What is with the drugs and the car crashes and the constant attention and media whoring and the sleeping with any sleazy guy who flashes a little Ziploc baggie at you and the oh good god horrible movies? You used to be a great actor. You used to be respected. You used to have promise. And you are BLOWING it! And for what? A good time at some stupid club? Getting to have Paris Hilton on your fav five? Have you not seen what fame mixed with substance abuse has done to Britney Spears? It turned her bipolar. Do you want that? You are flat broke! And you are toxic in Hollywood right now. Nobody will work with you. You are doing a photoshoot with fucking superheroes. You should be working with Scorsese and Spielberg! Do you get how jacked up you are? You got BANNED from the studios! Robert Downey Jr. did more drugs than a Pablo Escobar drug mule, ruined more movie productions and spent actual time in a maximum security prison and he still didn’t get blacklisted. Winona Ryder is a convicted felon and she’s still working, for godsakes! Get your shit together and stop disgracing the legacy of Mean Girls. Stay at home, buy a vibrator, hire a driver, lay off the self-tanner and get A! FUCKING! CLUE!

LL: I’m sorry… did you say “blow”? Do you have any? Cause I will totally have sex with you for some.

FADE OUT

Bangarang!