Welcome to a brand new season of American Idol, the best trainwreck in the history of entertainment! If you are any fan at all of this website I don’t need to tell you the depths of love I have for this show. It brings me so much joy. From making fun of the contestants, to eyeballing the hotties, to hating the Phils, LaKishas, Constantines and Sanjayas, to picking my early favorites and riding them into the finale, to analyzing the hidden meanings behind and Simon and Ryan’s lovers quarrels, to gauging just how drunk Paula Abdul is at any given moment, to tallying up all the many uses of the term “pitchy”, to falling in love with Melinda and Bo Bice and Haley Scarnato’s legs and McPhee’s everything, and to actually hearing the occasional good song (Um, yeah, that does happen! Bitches!). I’ve said it before and I’ll say it agin, American Idol isn’t just the best show on television, it’s quite possibly the most important.

My coverage last season was good, but this season is going to be bigger and better! We’re going to do the usual Grading of the AI Top Group Using the TiVo Multi-Bloop Scale, but that’s not all. We’re gonna go behind the scenes, inside contestants’ and judges’ heads, peer into the future, throw some love bombs on Seacrest (cause the boy deserves it), look back fondly at winners past, root for good singers and many of the bad ones, salivate over some gams, write WAAAY too many words about a reality show that, all things considered, is pretty stupid (albeit completely awesome) and generally be your all-exclusive guide to everything that is American Idol: Season Seven. So come back here every Tuesday and Wednesday to read and laugh about everyone’s favorite reality show.

Oh, and I’m branding my coverage: “JAYmerican Idol”. Why? Cause I’m a narcissist. What up?

I’ve got an exclusive look at the goal sheets of the four A.I. hosts ready to go, but before we get to that, let’s kick off my JAYmerican Idol coverage by going across the web and refreshing ourselves on the wonders of the show.

• Check out my liveblog of the Season Six finale: HERE

• Peep my Early Favorites from Season Six and notice how I pegged the starpower of Melinda and Sanjaya weeks before anyone else: HERE

• Marvel at my awesomeness for correctly predicting the Top 3 two months before it happened: HERE

• The general consensus is that American Idol will utterly DOMINATE the ratings during the strike. I see no reason to argue that point.

• Is the AI formula in need of repair? I don’t think so, but some others do.

• Simon defends the brand.

• And loses some of his manboobs!

• Chris Daughtry thinks AI is “in a state of decline”. I say he’s in a state of “So’s your face!”.

• Wow, this show brings in the kaysh!

• Here was the best performance of last season. Blake Lewis revolutionizing Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love A Bad Name”.

• Here’s a look back at my favorite hottie from Season Six, Ms. Hot Gams herself, Haley Scarnato:

• Here’s the moment I fell in love with Katherine McPhee for introducing me to KT Tunstall (and also for writhing on the ground).

• The ponyhawk. The worst moment of Gwen Stefani’s professional life. The end of western civilization.

• LEAVE PAULA ALONE!

And finally…

• Everything that is bitchy and wrong and petty and stupid and offensive and AWESOME about American Idol:

Get ready for Season Seven on TheJay.com, everybody.

THIS! Is JAYmerican Idol!

Bangarang!