In an attempt to fix the mistakes of last season (booting off Melinda Doolittle, capturing Phil Stacey off his alien world of Narblot 7, allowing Sanjaya Malakar to even sniff the Top 24, making the corpse of Tony Bennett a mentor, letting the contestants sing Rob Thomas songs during Latin Week, filming Haley Scarnato’s face instead of her hot HOT gams, and not keeping the Schlitz away from The Buble), Randy, Paula, Simon and Ryan agreed to sit down and write a list of goals for how the show, and their performances, can be improved in Season Seven.
TheJay.com was lucky enough to get our hands on these goal sheets.
YO, YO, YO DAWG! R-JAX, MAKE IT WORK!
Yo, yo, yo, dawg! Aight, check it, me dude. You’re me, so of course, you’re my dude, dawg! You in the dogpound, baby! But I gotta say dude, last season, I wasn’t feeling me, dawg. It was just okay. I started out good, but then I got a little pitchy, there was some pitch problems, a little off tune and then I just lost me, dude. What happened? I was no good. But I’m still in the dawgpound, baby! I’m still in! So let’s make this list, aight! We’ll make it work.
- Attempt to break my record for number of times using the word “pitchy” in a single sound bite. My goal: 17.
- Consider opening up a chain of Randy Jackson Dawgpound Academies! Think of all the dawgs I could put in there, dawg!
- Make Paula kiss the rings, bitch!
- When Simon invites you to dinner after taping, DO NOT SAY YES! This is a trick. He will not show up and it will not be cool. Be better than that, Jackson!
- Don’t stop believin! Hold on to the feeling… (mimes playing air keyboard)
- When a contestant sings Mariah, you must start out their review by saying this: “You know Mariah is my girl, right! So I don’t know, dude…”
- Stay away from the crafts service table. Food is not your friend. Food is not your friend!
- Consider trying to grow back your curls, dawg. Just letcha Sooooooul Glo!
- Keep throwing my gangsta speak at the whities, dude! They can never get the hand shake right. That’ll get the brothers to love me!
- Conquer pitchiness.
Dawgpound, baby!
Bangarang!
