In an attempt to fix the mistakes of last season (booting off Melinda Doolittle, capturing Phil Stacey off his alien world of Narblot 7, allowing Sanjaya Malakar to even sniff the Top 24, making the corpse of Tony Bennett a mentor, letting the contestants sing Rob Thomas songs during Latin Week, filming Haley Scarnato’s face instead of hot HOT gams, and not keeping the Schlitz away from The Buble), Randy, Paula, Simon and Ryan agreed to sit down and write a list of goals for how the show, and their performances, can be improved in Season Seven.

TheJay.com was lucky enough to get our hands on these goal sheets.

FROM THE DESK OF (SIR) SIMON COWELL…

(rubs nipples)

(30 minutes later…)

(grins obnoxiously into space)

(15 minutes later…)

Alright, Simon! Do you want to know what I thought of your performance last season?

It was absolutely… really good.

I liked the opening where you said mean things to idiots. The middle when you hit on LaKisha and put Haley on a Misogny trip. And I really loved the end where you sort of but not really made fun of Chris Richardson for honoring those dead kids.

It was really, really terrific.

I like you. I like your style. I like your voice. I like your nipples. And I think, that was quite possibly the best performance in the history of television.

Next season, here’s what I’d like to see:

• Pass through as many annoying, big-boned black women as the producers will allow.

• Continue to dose Paula’s Vodka and Coke with even more Vodka.

• Delude a pretty American blonde girl into thinking she has talent, only to cruelly deny her a place in the Finals so that after the show she’ll be so insecure that she’ll beg you to sleep with her. This will satisfy both your enormous ego and your microscopic penis. So everybody wins.

• Rip on Seacrest even more mercilessly than before, but make sure to have dozens of long stem red roses waiting on hand to apologize during commercial breaks. Don’t want to stop the fudge train, just for some good television.

• Put a bullet into anyone that gets voted through because they suck. Nobody will blame you. After all, you’re Simon fucking Cowell. Rub that chest all you want, honey!

• Make up new and more abrasive put downs for shite contestants. Try these new ones out:

“You are quite possibly the worst singer in this room, not named Paula Abdul.”

“If we were all killed in a violent gun attack right now, I would think my life a disappointment. Because despite my many millions of dollars, I died listening to you.”

“That was abysmal. Like, Spider-Man 3 abysmal.”

“Go fuck yourself.”

• Slap around the wardrobe people until they agree to give you the XS black shirts. Don’t they understand the power of my manboobs?

• Try to be more obnoxious when you smirk.

• Get Carrie to return your calls.

• Announce who you think will win the show halfway though Episode 2, sleep till May and then be surprised when that person is voted the winner.

Bangarang!