Normally when news of a celebrity’s shenanigans or misadventures comes through my snarky press wire I take great pleasure in mocking them for their actions. I put funny words into their mouths, and make them look stupid or sound immature and/or destructive. It’s all in fun and a good time is had by all. When I do a “Things Overheard…” post my readers know that I’m making it all up and that in reality the star in question doesn’t actually sound that fantastical.

And then there are times when the truth truly is stranger (and more awesome) than fiction. When even the heights of my deliriously ninja imagination cannot add, or do justice, to the actual words coming out of their mouths.

This is one of those times.

Matthew McConaughey, t-shirt hater, notorious nude bongo player, anti-deodorant activist, and guy whose character work peaked in his first major role ten years ago and is COMPLETELY OK with that fact (to the point where the sub-title of his website is “j.k. living”. Seriously. It says that on the index page. I told you I couldn’t compete with this.) and his current girlfriend Camila Alves (and by “girlfriend” I mean the girl he took home from the bar on Friday, got high with, did some pushups in front of, refused to shower for cause the smell of a Van Nuys cum dumpster is his resting musk anyway, and then banged a couple times) announced today that they are preggers. I would be quite happy for the couple if I didn’t abhor the idea of another hippie star child polluting this earth (Odds on the kid being named Miller Chill Tecate McConaughey? 3-2). And while we’re on the subject, hey Ryder Russell Robinson, get a haircut hippie!

When a star usually announces they are welcoming a child they do it through the medium of an excitable publicist. But McConaughy (nee “Wooderson”), is not your usual star. And so he released a statement, excuse me, a “journal entry” on his personal website (I implore you to visit this site. It’s easily eight times more awesome than the Tom Cruise Scientology video. It’s like a late 90’s Britney music video level of amazing.), of which I am going to repost here in full.

I want to reiterate that I have not doctored this text in any way. He actually wrote this. With his fingers on the keys, the sun on his back and the words in his brain. Enjoy.

“Got some blessed news… a celebration of life and bounty… a newborn concieved… yes, my girlfriend camila and I made a baby together… it’s 3 months growin in her womb and all looks healthy and lively so far… we are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation and this gift from God, and so excited for the adventure that will come in raising this child, being a mother and father, and shepharding him or her through his life… from moms and dads, to family, to community, it takes the best will and support from everyone to raise the healthiest children we have in society… wish us the best, keep us in your prayers, and God bless evolution… thanks for bein fans of me and my work and now this new and miraculous chapter in my life, as me and camila and our child do our best to just keep livin… wow, mcconaughey.”

It goes with out saying, but “sic”.

Ok, so let’s break down this magnificent piece of writing a bit…

“a celebration of life and bounty” - That’s code for “please see my new treasure hunting movie Fool’s Gold co-starring Kate Hudson and opening on Valetine’s Day. I did about a thousand sit-ups to prepare for it, my “character” has chosen a delightful shade of gold for his skin, and I ripped and cleared a six-foot water bong before each third take (’s my ritual). The flick’s just like Sahara, except you can actually understand the dialogue of my annoying love interest.

“a newborn concieved” - As opposed to what? A newborn cornswaffled?

“yes, my girlfriend camila and I made a baby together” - OH! He meant he made a baby! I was so confused. I could of sworn he was talking about weed. That’s my bad.

“it’s 3 months growin in her womb” - Wait, so Matthew, you’re telling me that the whole business with the stork is a lie? Like your not having hair plugs? Or how you didn’t plug Gyllenhaal all last summer? Huh. Who new I’d be learning about the anatomy of a pregnancy from the star of U-571 when I woke up this morning? Not me, that’s for sure.

“we are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation” - I can only hope my parents were this excited my the news of my creation. I bet my dad was “crazy jacked” and my mom was “totes torked”. Btw, if one of my rents ever said the word “stoked” to me, I think I would divorce them on the grounds of “Seriously? Don’t ever do that again!”

“and God bless evolution” - I can only assume he doesn’t mean the mediocre David Duchovny alien comedy from a few years back. Not that I have a problem watching The Duchov sleepwalking his way through a studio production while Seann William Scott acts douchey and Julianne Moore cashes her paycheck to pay for her hubbie’s “indie” “movies”, but I’m slow to believe that the movie ranks higher on McCons Netflix list than Half Baked, Zoolander or Summer Catch.

“as me and camila and our child do our best to just keep livin” - I really hope Richard Linklater is getting a royalty check every time McCons opens his mouth. I can’t believe he didn’t end the thing “just keep parentin. P-A-R-E-N-T-I-N.” It’s just such a wasted opportunity. Like Two For the Money. Or Reign of Fire.

“wow, mcconaughey” - wow indeed, mcconaughey. Wow, indeed.

Congratulations to the happy couple. No word yet from Lance Armstrong, but I think we can assume he’s pretty devastated. Being a new parent pretty much rules out any surreptitous anal sex in the bushes of Runyon Canyon with your celebrity athlete best friend.

Bangarang!