Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker

Totally in love married couple, Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker, take an evening stroll down a New York city street.

Matthew Broderick: Dear, our dinner was positively delightful. The brioche was exquisite, the tampanade c’est magnifique, and I had what only can be described as a love affair with the ’90 Chateau Haut-Brion.

Sarah Jessica Parker: (sniffs and rubs her nose) Yeah, I had a good time.

MB: Yes, you were in the bathroom for quite some time. As per usual. I went ahead and had the maitre ‘d wrap up your, ahem, salad, into a foil shaped like a swan!

SJP: Super.

MB: So, um, my wife… you’re looking very pretty tonight. Not at all unsexy to this straight man, let me tell you! Maxim does not know what they are talking about. You look about as horsey as I look effete.

SJP: Aww, Matt! That makes me feel so good. Well, that and the five rails I blew on the sink at the restaurant. But it’s probably equal. I don’t know. So, um, look, are we gonna go home and have sex? Cause we really haven’t done that in six or eight… years. And it would be really nice to know what a man’s touch feels like again.

MJB: You know, I think I may be coming down with something. (fake coughs). Here, feel my palms.

SJP: Ew, gross!

MB: (turns to non-existent camera) The key to faking out the wife is the clammy hands. It’s a good non-specific symptom; I’m a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that impotence is a dead lock, but, uh… you get a horny wife, you could wind up in a sex doctor’s office. That’s worse than having actual sex with a girl. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is marriage.

SJP: That’s ok, sweetie. Another time, when you’re feeling better.

SJP: (narrating) Later that night I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with your secretly gay husband.

MB: So how are things going with post-production on the movie?

SJP: Soo bad! (smokes an entire cigarette in 8 seconds flat, whinnies) Fat cow Catrall is hamming it up in EVERY scene! I can’t even get a bad joke in, edgewise. I hate it. And Cynthia keeps trying to get me to go to lunch with her ugly whale girlfriend, like that’s gonna happen. And oy, the writing is awful. It’s going to be a piece of shit.

MB: Don’t worry about it, I don’t even have a piece of shit movie. I have to envy yours.

SJP: Oh, thanks.

A hot nineteen year-old girl walks up to SJP.

HOT NINETEEN YEAR-OLD: OMG! You’re Carrie Bradshaw! You are my idol! I do everything you do! I string along my country boyfriends, I smoke in front of people that hate it, I’m selfish, ignore my friends’ problems and I have a dysfunctional relationship with a rich, older guy. Can I please have your autograph?

SJP: Of course, sweetie! Unh!

As a force of habit, SJP rolls up the small piece of paper and brings it to her nose. Off the girl’s odd look, SJP makes an obnoxious “oops, j/k!” face, unrolls the paper and signs it.

MB: Would you like my autograph as well?

H19YO: Who are you?

MB: Matthew Broderick.

H19YO: Who?

MB: I’ve been in 50 fifty movies. Election, The Stepford Wives, Inspector Gadget? I just did the Music Man on Broadway…

H19YO: Sorry, I don’t watch gay shit.

MB: Inspector Gadget was NOT gay! He was bionic!

SJP: Matthew, please. You’ve gone to far. We’re going to get busted.

MB: (turning to non-existent camera): A: You can never go too far. B: If I’m gonna get busted, it is not gonna be by a girl like this.

MB: I was… (sighs) Ferris Bueller?

H19YO: You’re Matthew Broderick?

MB: That’s right, I’m Matthew Broderick.

H19YO: The hipster king of 80′s teen comedies?

MB: (caught off-gaurd) … that’s right.

Pause.

H19YO: But you’re awesome. Why would you be with this horsey bitch?

SJP: (indignant) Heeey!

Matthew and the Hot 19 year-old give her a look.

SJP: Fine!

MB: Let me tell you something, missy! This right here is a beautiful, charismatic, lovely woman. That I am contractually obligated to spend the rest of my life with.

H19YO: You have a contract? Like Tom and Katie?

MB: No, not at all. Our baby was merely an accident. I confused my anti-depressants with her viagra and she attacked me.

SJP: What my husband means to say is that we have a contract with God. I swear. Swear on Chanel.

MB: That’s right! Now Sarah may have an equine-esque visage, but she is no horse. I have voluntarily seen her naked on at least four occasions and there were no hooves to speak of. Which is more than I can say for Nicole Kidman! I can name close to a thousand women I’d rather have sexual relations with less, than my mannish partner. She is quite handsome and I love her! I love her like a man who loves a woman is supposed to. So you can take you’re… “hot buns” away, or whatever they’re called, and learn to respect your elders.

SJP: But go see my new movie coming out this summer! Eee! (whinnies)

H19YO: Whatever. I was always a Samantha, anyway.

She walks away.

MB: (turning to non-existing camera) Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career and she never doubted it for a second.

SJP: (narrating) That’s another reason I love New York. Just like that, it can go from bad to cute to warding off a hot 19 year-old who thinks your gay husband is gay.

MB: What a night!

SJP: I know. (smokes two cigarettes at once, gnaws on a sugar cube)

MB: I am positively a-twitter. Now I know what Nathan Lane must feel like when we’re not together.

SJP: … on stage. When you’re not together on-stage.

MB: … sure.

SJP: So you wanna go home and see the kid?

MB: Not particularly.

SJP: Me neither.

MB: I was thinking about taking a walk into Central Park. Some of the more… out of the way spots. I have nothing to do tomorrow, I don’t mind being a little sore.

SJP: Oh. Well, I was thinking of seeing if Raoul was selling at the fountain. I have ADR tomorrow and you know I can’t fake being sexy unless I’m completely out of body.

MB: I do know that.

SJP: You wanna walk together?

MB: A splendid idea!

SJP: (narrating) The fact is, sometimes it’s really hard to walk in a woman’s shoes… when she’s married to a gay man. That’s why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk to go buy coke from a Puerto Rican in Central Park, a little more fun.

MB: (turning to non-existing camera) Yep, life goes by pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss getting pounded in Central Park by anonymous black men.

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)

Average Rating: 4.4 out of 5 based on 268 user reviews.

About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for TheJay.com. The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch, BestWeekEver.tv, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on NowLive.com from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @ www.Twitter.com/jasonamatthews
This entry was posted in Celebrity, Sarah Jessica Parker, Things Overheard. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to

  1. Kaza says:

    This was so funny! I’d love to see one of your plays…
    Kaza :}

  2. Ah, joy. You had me at, “Sorry, I don’t watch gay shit.”

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