Whilst perusing through the gruesome (yet really well done) coverage of Death Ledger on Defamer this morning, I caught a story that made my left eyebrow shoot up like Kevin Arnold staring down a horny Winnie Cooper. It was a piece detailing some of the more juicy excerpts from one-time Body Heat uber-hottie and current Tranny To The Stars, Kathleen Turner’s, upcoming auto-biography. It was the usual bits of dishy goodness; Michael Douglas is ruthless, William Hurt loves him some drugs, yada yada yada. But then the piece went into Ms/Mr. Turner’s account of working with bad movie scion Nicolas Cage in Peggy Sue Got Married.
Apparently, in a fit of paralyzing nepotism-based insecurity, Mr. “How’d it Get BURNED!“, would act out to prove he was more than just Francis Ford Coppola’s dipshit mooch nephew (which he was at the time). Let’s see what the chatty Kath Man had to say on the matter:
“Everything Francis wanted him to do, he went against to show that he wasn’t under his uncle’s wing. Which was ridiculous. Oh, that stupid voice of his and the fake teeth! Honestly, I cringe to think about it. He caused so many problems,” Turner writes. “He caused so many problems. He was arrested twice for drunk-driving and, I think, once for stealing a dog. He came across a chihuahua he liked and stuck it in his jacket.”
I would kill, literally take a man’s life, to see Nicolas Cage scoop a random stray dog into his jacket and walk away like nothing ever happened. And to be the cop who had to book his petnapping ass? Bliss!
“The criminal is being charged with Grand Theft Doggo, as well as Assault & Battery on the movie-going public. Charges were dropped, though, due to the ham-fisted actor’s cooperation in helping us to determine just How It Got Burned.”
BTDub, that video is the only pop culture-y thing that makes me happy after 24 hours of HeathDeathGate. Well, that, and this one, of course:
You know I can’t let a story like this go without some severe celebrtiy skewering. Or at the very least, some minor lambasting. So as a result, here are some other on-set shenanigans Nicolas Cage was a party to:
- On the set of National Treasure, Nicolas Cage… payed the entire crew $10 a piece to call Justin Bartha “Jason Biggs” for a whole day. As a result Bartha had to be physically restrained from hanging himself, and is no longer able to look at Apple Pie the same way.
- On the set of National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Nicolas Cage… refused to call Helen Mirren anything but “Mommy Sweet Tits”. She was not offended. And I mean really, why would she be?
- On the set of Honeymoon in Vegas, Nicolas Cage… replaced Sarah Jessica Parker’s face cream with equine skin softener. This is why she now looks like a broked-out stable horse. Her marriage to an effete former hipster was unrelated (we think).
- On the set of Moonstruck, Nicolas Cage… robbed a liquor store on a dare from a drunken Danny Aiello and ended up shooting a man in the head. The man survived, but was rendered mentally challenged. He was in a coma for some time, then woke up and eventually completed physical therapy by painting pictures of Ritz Cracker boxes. This man’s name was Henry, and we regard him.
- On the set of Amos & Andrew, Nicolas Cage… continually put non-poisonous snakes in co-star Sam Jackson’s trailer. This is why he’s now had it with these muthafuckin snakes!
- On the set of Con Air, Nicolas Cage… requested a daily supply of five purebred llamas be brought to his trailer. Upon arrival, they were lined up by height and left to wait. Twenty minutes later, Nic would walk up and punch each of them square in the face three times; he did this to get into character. The llamas never fully recovered from the humiliation.
- On the set of It Could Happen To You, Nicolas Cage… developed a twitch that caused himseld to pull one hair off his head every time Rosie Perez spoke. This is why he currently has no hair.
- On the set of 8MM, Nicolas Cage… actually killed a guy on-screen. But since it was a really good take, Joel Schumacher didn’t want to say anything. So he yelled “Cut and Print” and everyone just backed away really slowly.
- On the set of Face/Off, Nicolas Cage… had to be told more than a dozen times that he wouldn’t ACTUALLY be switching faces with John Travolta. He was pretty bummed, too, cause he thinks Johnny T is a goodlooking dude and he was getting psyched to take that ridiculous chin out for a test drive.
- On the set of Gone in Sixty Seconds, Nicolas Cage… farted on the hood of every car he walked past. Why? Only the Cagebird knows…
- On the set of Leaving Las Vegas, Nicolas Cage… propostioned Elizabeth Shue every day with ever increasing amounts of money for sex, claiming it was for method acting purposes and had nothing to do with thinking she was in any way attractive (The Jay Note: I believe this.). Apparently, if you have $472,000 you can have one hell of a night with Elisabeth Shue. (Brother Andrew can watch, but it’s an extra hundy and you have to play soccer with him afterwards. Not worth it!)
- On the set of Ghost Rider, Nicolas Cage… insisted that his skull be actually lit on fire before every take. Nobody had any objections.
- On the set of Next, Nicolas Cage… finally opened his petting zoo of captured stray dogs. He called it Nic Cage’s Wide Wild World of Weiner Dogs and More! and featured the largest collection of confused chihuahua’s in the history of the world. The crew brought all their children, Purell was given out as a souvenir and Nic wore a purple top hat and green speckled parachute pants for the occasion. Admission was $39 for California residents.