Are You Gonna Be On Your Way?

Britney Spears is British now.

Are you gonna be on your way?

I have a right lot of business to tether. I can not dither around here with you lot. It is imperative I make haste to my appointments. You and your queer fuck buddies are being an obstacle to me, and I find you to be quite a fine pain in my arse.

Are you gonna be on your way?

Belt up all that commotion, yeah! I can hear you ringing up my name, can’t I? I bloody well have ears! I am so brassed off at you lot, keeping me from my appointments. You are being rather cheeky with your instigations about my private life. I should give you bloody savages a hard kick in the bum, is what I should do.

Are you gonna be on your way?

Now I am getting cheesed off! I stop at this streetlight, minding my own bloody business and trying to have a fag, and here you bunch of nancy boys are just trying to make some quid from my haggard face and dodgered body. You’re making me into a wreck, and I won’t let you. I’m a proper girl now. Madge and me mum saw to that. Me knickers are staying on now, so you can clear off. I’m no longer the daft bird I once was.

Are you gonna be on your way?

Bollocks all! You’re a bunch of dodgy whores, just trying to snap shots of my full monty. What will it take to make you people chuff off? Do you want a close-up of my starking twat? Would that make you happy? A little how’s your father with the little Brit? Do you fancy me, yeah? Do you fancy good ‘ole Brit? I should say you do. But you can’t have it! None of you lot can. Keep your todgers in your trousers boys, there’ll be no hanky panky for you journo’s… except maybe the Arab one I’m snogging right now. So you are all wasting your time. I will merely sit here until you sod off.

Are you gonna be on your way?

Look you twits, I am jolly knackered and I still have a full day ahead of me. I am expected at the dance parlour for rehearsal, then I am to meet with a Barrister to discuss my parenting with my wanker ex-husband, I’m due to get piss up with me mates tonight, and, as a topper, I am in dire need of a gas station loo to use without my sandals on. All that amidst the LA traffic queue. So you see I have no time for this dalliance.

Are you gonna be on your way?

What? What are you going on about? Are you having a laugh? Of course this is my bloody voice! I’m not pissing around. Why would I make this up? It’s bad enough the courts sacked me as a mother and the public thinks I’m looney, but now this rubbish about the way I speak? That’s a load! Don’t you people get it? I am off my trolley! I was born in Louisiana! I jolly well nicked this gimmick from Madonna to try and seem classy. And it’s not working. This whole deal is total pants.

Are you gonna be on your way?

Bloody hell!

About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch,, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @
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8 Responses to Are You Gonna Be On Your Way?

  1. Kojiro says:

    You forgot to include the word “minge” in there somewhere.

  2. Fussed Up She Is.. says:

    Poor Brit, she really is getting used as a money grab for christ sake.

    If it isn’t hard enough to deal with fighting her ex for custody.. Shit Kevin didn’t mind leaving the TWO other kids he has with the other lady for Brit.. To cash in on some baby money….kept man..
    He wanted to aspire to be…
    The easy way.. No one judges him at all… Funny world..

    Those mother fuckers called free fallen picture takers,PAPS are now attempting to cash in on pictures of her when she is at her worse.. But remember the circle of life.. what goes around comes around..

    Many men would call her an easy target.. Yet, I wonder how many men really care if this happened to their own mother..?

    Men come from somewhere.. and usually it is the father’s fault that makes them uncaring, and critical of women, and usually those same man feel women are only objects… some not all…men… Thank god, for the women who raised men to be men.. not boys.. … The good men.. ladies.. think with their brains…and had father’s who were also men… not boys..

    These poor boys, having to grow up and look back at how their mother suffered from a illness…..maybe not cancer.. but an illness never the less.. And see.. how much people only care to make money off of her.. and left.. behind.. pictures…. that will make them sad…. and hurt.. I wonder what type of men.. they will grow to be… This shit.. needs to stop.. for their sake.. considering…the father, and the media.. could careless.. about those kids..

  3. The Jay says:

    That’s totally right,Kojiro, I did forget minge. Damn! Gonna have to right a sequel post, now.

  4. Dianne says:

    Okay, I may go to hell, but here is my thought: this semi-talented, uneducated, attention-seeking brat will either have to get help immediately, or just die. She’s not worth all this press. Don’t give me that “losing her kids” crap — she does not care.

    I hope she buys a remote island, packs up her puppies, and moves there for three years to meditate while sitting cross-legged and peering up at the clouds.

    If not, I hope she just ends it all (without taking out innocent people), very soon.

  5. Fussed.. says:

    Okay.. how many guys have often took a piss outside never finding their private parts hanging on the internet for all to see..

    Come on.. give it the truth.. shit happens.. men piss outside… forget to button their flies up.. tons of times.. How often is that photographed and made fun of??

    To Diane, sorry.. life is a gift.. and to want to see someone go down.. is just a total lack of respect for human life..

    By the way.. semi-talented people.. usually don’t make a shit load of money… uneducated people.. with good resources make lots… one way or another.. her shit sells.. hence photographers and media paying for the shit…

    Now who has the guts to run out and photograph all the other photographers taking a piss outside, showing their little manhoods.. and singing a tune in the meantime…no one would buy it.. maybe a gay site..somewhere.. happy to catch a small glipse.. lol.. ok.. no resources.. little less money to be made.. An Island.. Brit can afford..if she goes… so will a ton of low life uneducated.. people.. hoping to cash in on it..

    Your post above indicates the clear desire and needs of yourself.. Let.. us know how your trip went… after three long years, nd no one there to give a shit.. to photograph your adventure..

  6. Pingback: The Jay » Eff You January, I’m Going For Actressing!

  7. molly says:

    what are you even talking about? people don’t take pictures of her peeing…
    but if you’d like to go that route, yes, i would make fun of someone peeing outside…and i would hope to god that people would make fun of me as well…remember that time we learned to use a toilet?…

    and she has little if no talent. plenty of people have no talent whatsoever and have buttloads of money.
    oh, and in some strange way she seems to love the attention from the photogs…why would she drive around for hours going nowhere…

    she’s crazy and needs help. end of story.

  8. Pingback: The Jay » Ten Ways To Return Britney Spears To Brilliant Genius Status

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