As a entertainment blogger it’s important that I’m able to find just the right picture to go with a particular story. If I’m writing about, say, Tara Reid being a model citizen, as I do, and I type “Tara Reid Model Citizen” into the Google Image search, it’s imperative I find just the right picture of her drunkenly passed out on the streets of Ibiza (the joke comes from the irony!). My blogger brethren and I depend on image searches to add visual stimulation to our pieces, punctuate jokes, and sometimes, to create whole posts.

I’m continually amazed by the accuracy of Google’s image search engine. No matter how disparate my search terms, I can always seem to find what I’m looking for. It gets me to wondering just how far I can test Google’s accuracy. If I type in a celebrity and then add a random word onto the search, what would I find? Would “Jodie Foster + tuna” get me a shot of The Jodes from Freaky Friday, enjoying being in her Mom’s body just a bit too much, or just another boring publicity still from Flightplan? I had to know…

So here is a little experiment I ran to see just how accurate a Google Celebrity Image Search can be (all results found on page 1 of the search results):

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Search Terms: Katherine Heigl + douchebag

Result: Yep, that’s her looking pretty douche-y all right. Like she sails! Or wears white pants after Labor Day! Or isn’t a douche!

Accuracy Grade: A

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Search Terms: Katie Holmes + outer space

Result: I don’t know about you, but that’s the look I had on my face the first time I saw an alien living amongst us and realized it was actually my husband who had signed me to a five-year wedding contract stating I would bear him a genetically created pod baby that looks asian and kinda Chris Klein-y and not wear a bra when I run the NYC Marathon.

Accuracy Grade: A-

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Search Terms: Christian Slater + suicide

Result: Not sure what exactly I expected to find here, but I’m fairly amused that MC Hammer is exploiting the hypothetical death of the star of Kuffs. Greetings and salutations, Slater is NOT too legit to quit.

Accuracy Grade: C (but a “B+” for pure morbidity)

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Search Terms: Keanu Reeves + genius

Result: I don’t understand how anyone could find Keanu stupid. See him walking away from a horny, near-naked Lauren Graham? That’s the wisest decision a man can make in his life! He just chose the grail cup!

Accuracy Grade: A

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Search Terms: Dakota Fanning + assassin

Result: Get on her bad side and the last thing you see in this world is her tiny little boot coming down on your face, as you lay limp on the ground of a dirty street in Mexico.

Accuracy Grade: A

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Search Terms: Val Kilmer + polite

Result: Funny, I don’t remember typing in “Val Kilmer + beached whale”, but hey, at least he’s covered up. That’s a splash of beach etiquette.

Accuracy Grade: B-

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Search Terms: Halle Berry + dentist

Result: I know that when I think of Halle Berry getting her teeth worked on, the first image that comes to my mind is of the former Bond girl half-nakedly fondling Sarah Jessica Parker. Isn’t it the same for you?

Accuracy Grade: B

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Search Terms: Paris Hilton + relevant

Result: Think long and hard about this (that’s what she said!): of all the contributions to society given by Paris Hilton, from the unpublicized humanitarian work in third world countries to her charitable donations for Cancer research, and tireless work to improve the lives of the US homeless population, when you think of Paris Hilton, don’t you really just think about her sucking on something?

Accuracy Grade: A

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Search Terms: Tom Cruise + smart

Result: Well… this one is dead on!

Accuracy Grade: A+

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Search Terms: Renee Zellweger + bitchface

Result: I swear to you I didn’t rig this. It just so happens that when you search for a picture of Renee Zellweger making a bitchface, my award badge for being one of the Best Culture Blogs on the net shows up in the results (as the third image!). What can I say, Google knows where’s it at.

Accuracy Grade: A++++++

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Final Conclusion: No matter what you’re looking for on the net, be it a shot of Val Kilmer coming ashore to rest his blowhole and lay eggs or Halle Berry molesting the star of Sex and the City, Google Image Search has got your back. I deem their celebrity image search dead-on balls accurate!

Bangarang!

Tonight was one of those episodes that the casual viewer would be better served just watching the two minute recap at the end of the episode, because sittin through the full 96 minutes would have been a complete waste of time (and would probably turn them off the season). This was not the week I’d highlight as a reason for a non-watcher to commit to the show. There was consistently for the girls, but it was them being consistently abysmal. A few girls did better than last week (Smithson, Lee Cook, Overmyer), but as a whole there wasn’t one performance I’d want to watch again. Even my homegirl Ramiele had problems.

They should have spent two minutes airing the recap then run David Archuleta’s “Imagine” performance on a loop for an hour, it would have been TOTES more engrossing. And I would have been spared seeing Kristy Lee Cook look like she was trying to drop a deuce on stage and Kady Malloy turning blazing hotness into a hateful thing. Where’s Haley Mercado’s inoffensive, mediocre voice and sweet, sweet stems when you need her?

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

TRIPLE BLOOP

Kristy Lee Cook – Five girls in I was wondering if I was gonna have anyone to triple bloop tonight. Thank you, Kristy Lee Cook. I’m way glad she listened to me about losing that freak-o eye thing she did last week, but apparently didn’t get the memo about standing in a weird bow-legged stance. Girl needs a movement coach, like Robbie Carrico needs a punch in the face. Which is to say, A LOT. Was there anything interesting about the performance, beyond seeing her in that tight outfit (those legs go ALL the way up)? I say no.

Alexandrea Lushington – Never again with the shorts, kid. NEVER again! Sloppity sloppity! As for the singing, I’ll relay what my roommate said white watching her perform: “This is gay.” I concur.

Kady Malloy – She had the dead eyes in her video package. Love the crappy Simon Cowell voice, though. What was with her mic being so low? I couldn’t hear her terrible singing half the time. Not that I would have wanted to if I had. This might be the first time in three seasons I actually wanted my hottie horse to get booted. As nice as she is to look at, she’s Noriega torture to listen to. To use my own crappy Simon Cowell voice: That. Was. Ghastly.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

DOUBLE BLOOP

Brooke White – The Carly Simon perf was only a matter of time, huh? I’m always wary of Idol’s singing songs from the artists they’re being compared to, like if Alaina sang “Before He Cheats” or Danny Noriega sang “I’m a douche” (it’s a song!), cause it only invites negative comparison. What are the odds of us liking their version better, when their name isn’t David Archuleta? 1-500? She sang it well, honest to blog, but I’d rather see her experiment a little. Get dirty a bit. Wouldn’t it have been fascinating if her and Carly had switched songs?

Asia’h Epperson – Poor Rashida Jones, having her voice drop like a weight on that signature note. It’s the thing I’m always worried about with King Jesus Archuleta, and was concerned about with Asia’h. She worked it out for the rest of the song, even delivered some smashing knock out notes, but it’s like delivering a flawless figure skating routine after double footing your first triple toeloop triple sachow combination. The East German judge is always gonna knock you down for that. Asia’h/Rashida looked fantastic, though. Hope Jim was watching (he’d probably have given the camera a classic Jim shrug on the dropped note, like the low-level lovable d-bag he is)…

Amanda Overmyer – Since when did Rogue get put on American Idol? Does Professor X know she’s gone? I was half afraid she was going to suck the life out of wee Ryan Seacrest and absorb his powers of awesome gay awesomeness. Dug the dancing and was fascinated to watch her try to sing beyond the Janice box, even if it was a bit nechy. Didn’t love it, didn’t hate it, but was the first time I actually wanted to see her come back. So that’s something. Can I call you Amanda, Weapon X?

Alaina Whitaker – How could I bloop a fellow OCD-er? She doesn’t like when her food touches! She’s like LL Cool J from Toys. LOVE! Know what I don’t love? Boring, Oliva Newton-John ballads performed in a frumpy blue dress with crazy Hilary Duff hair and a Madonna gap (isn’t that a weird love child?). Strong voice, good confidence, AWFUL song choice. And if you’re gonna do Olivia, why not sing Xanadu? Loopy delirium is always preferable over soapy teen musical schmaltz. Always.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SINGLE BLOOP

Syesha Mercado – Here’s my problem with actress slash singers: they’re always playing to the camera, never getting lost in the song. Despite being a touch soft, she was really, genuinely good tonight, but I could not ignore her blatant camera slobbering. She was totes distracted trying to look the part of an American Idol. Girl needs to slag off the home viewing audience and just belt. Loved the 70’s head scarf, though. Reminded me a bit of pre-fierceballs crazy Lauren Hill.

Carly Smithson – Much much MUCH better than last week. She had me groovin’ and movin’ up in The 209. And I can only say awesome things about Heart. But did anyone else notice how crazy gross her big note singer face is? A pretty girl at rest, and at smile, but at diva? Yikes. Might be approaching the infamous Reese Witherspoon Cruel Intentions devil face. If she does a June Carter Cash song, or wears pink even once, I’m breaking up with her. On the real!

Ramiele Malubay – Let’s do some math: Crazy good hair + flawless skin * supes oof curves / her humuna humuna hula dance in the video package – sketchy opening * the NAILED IT! Chorus = go screw Carly Smithson, this is the girl to beat.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!

No one this week, cause the girls kinda sucked. And by “kinda”, I mean “completely”.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Bottom Three: Kady Malloy, Alexandrea Lushington, Asia’h Epperson

My prediction for who gets the axe: Kady Malloy & Alexandrea Lushington

Bangarang!

Beyond learning that David Archuleta can unite us all under one God, him, we learned some interesting things week. Turns out Robbie was wearing the bandanas to dim his poser douchebag levels, David Hernandez is kinda eyeballs creepy but can really blow, David Cook is not obnoxious and Michael Johns is exceedingly fallible. We also learned that Chikezie might not be going anywhere and Jason Castro is gonna need some help to make it to the Top 12. By my count, there are four guys locked in: Archuleta, Johns, Noriega and Cook. It’s gonna be a hell of a game for the final two spots.

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

TRIPLE BLOOP

Robbie Carrico – I’m automatically deducting him one full bloop for the continued presence of the wallet chain. This isn’t 1997, douchebag, lose the metal. Boy seems to have the rocker posturing down, but I have reservations about giving him actual street cred. He still seems like Justin Timberlake put on a wig and cranked the Whitesnake in his car. Fun to watch, sure, but balls to listen to. Also, to reiterate a point, get a haircut, hippie!

Jason Yeager – This was me during his performance: Oh god, stop! Stop with the eyes. Don’t the do dancing! Oh, he’s doing the Carlton, poorly. Oh! Stop with la-la-la. Oooh! Stop with cruise ship face! Stop with the everything! Just STOP! … actually, that wasn’t bad.

Luke Menard – What show does this guy think he’s on? He realizes he needs to sing good, right? His helmet hair and Orlando Bloom likeness aren’t getting him through to the Top 12. Some profey musician needs to teach him to keep his distance from the mic so he’s not spitting into and it and slurring his words, a movement coach needs to slap him every time he does the lead singer “looking into the wings” bullshit, and a stylist needs to pull back on the hairspray and attack him with a straight razor and some Edge sensitize skin shaving gel.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

DOUBLE BLOOP

Jason Castro – I didn’t notice last week how pleasant-sounding his voice was. The actual tone, how it comes out of his mouth, very nice. Easy to listen to, which will get him FAR in this competition. When you’re used to the sonic torture of Sanjaya or the alien-tones of Phil Haley, you get enamored real quick with a guy that sounds like lavender in your ears. That being said, terrible stage presence! Boy needs to learn to use his feet. He looked like Rocky in the first Clubber Lang bout. Somebody start pumping some Survivor into his dressing room! Send him to a dirty recording studio in Compton where all the rappers have the eye of the tiger. Then Randy Jackson can race him on the beach in dolphin shorts and awkwardly hug him in the water, in a completely non-gay way. Though Ryan will still be jealous.

Michael Johns – Michael’s downfall will be that his voice has no next level. It’s just not transcendent. He has nowhere to go; no higher, explosive level. When Archuleta needs to he can boost his whole performance up and energize the crowd. There wasn’t one moment tonight where I felt like Michael could bring the house down. Though I disagree with the song choice complaint, Fleetwood Mac is the business! Wish the boy would have DRESSED for the stage, though. A t-shirt kid, really? Who are you supposed to be, Jack Johnson? Uh… go fuck yourself!

Danny Noriega – HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! UGLY SWEATER! DUMPY BODY! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! Seriously, who took Rufio’s balls away and sent him on stage in a gross plaid cardigan?

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SINGLE BLOOP

David Hernandez – Yes Officer, I’d like to report an eye raping. He was a latino gentleman, about 5’8, wearing a lame Step Up 2 The Streets hoodie jacket combo, trying to front Mick Jagger, sort of pulling it off. Yes, the eyes were awful. I was totally violated. I’d like to press charges. We need to get this d-bag off the stage, for the safety of his next victims.

Chikezie Eze – Terrific fun, good vocal, nice attitude, but I missed the style! Where was the chintzy yet badass pimpsuit? He should have rocked something powder blue and awesome. I would have no blooped him if he had sported something deliciously tacky. As it is, big step up for him, for me, as I kinda want him to stay now. He’s a nice wild card amidst the litany of pansy white guys they booked in this year (cough Yeags cough).

David Cook – The guy can shred, the guy can command the stage, and the guy can rock a tight black-t. But American Idol is looking for a singer, not a guitar player, and that was the problem tonight. Castro gets away with it because he never moves, and never tips his hat to his playing. Cook had too much going on, with the too loud guitar and the big back up singer reliance, I just couldn’t hear his vocal. I assume it was good, but I need to know for a certainty every time he steps up before I put him in the running.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!

David Archuleta – Let me present to you the timeline of his performance:

Video Package Plays: Rednecks in the South suddenly start liking black people.

David Sings For the Season One Idols: Burmese warlords put their guns down (for five minutes).

One Minute Into His Perf: The War in Iraq just ended.

Two Minutes Into His Perf: Paula Abdul literally dies.

Two and a Half Minutes Into His Perf: Israel and Palestine forgive each other.

End of His Performance: Osama bin Laden, somewhere in a cave in Afghanistan, considers turning himself in. Maybe David will come sing for him in prison? Worth it!

The Judges Judge Him: Randy lights himself on fire, renames the Dawg Pound the Archuleta Kennel. Paula is a weeping corpse. Simon bitchslaps everyone in the studio and then makes David a turkey sandwich.

Ryan Talks To Him On Stage: The Nobel Prize Committee decides to quite while they’re ahead and start engraving David’s plaque. With world peace now attained, beauty pageant contestants start trying to come up with a new cause.

The Numbers Go Up: Daniel Plainview lets David drink his milkshake up.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Bottom Three: Luke Menard, Jason Yeager, Danny Noriega

My prediction for who gets the axe: Luke Menard & Jason Yeager

Bangarang!

The Scene: The Jay’s Oscar Party

The Players: The Jay, Random Guests, Renee Zellweger’s BitchFace.

INT. THE JAY’S APT - OSCAR NIGHT

Red Carpet coverage of the 2008 Oscars is in full swing, and so is the party. Random pretty people mill about, drinking wine and dishing about celeb gossip.

“Did you hear Colin Firth ask if way-dead Adrienne Shelley was in the house at the Spirits?”

“That Wanker Darcy!”

The Jay is hosting like a champion, workin’ the room, making sure everyone is having a good time.

Hot Chick At Party: Do you have any Excedrin or extra-strength Tylenol?

The Jay: Gee, I think all I got is acetylsalicylic acid, generic. See, I can get six hundred tablets of that for the same price as three hundred of a name brand. That makes good financial sense, good advice…

/The Jay brings a platter of meat into the living room

The Jay: Hey, this is real smoked salmon from Nova Scotia, Canada, $24.95 a pound! It only cost me $14.12 after tax, though.

/The Jay walks up to a random guest, speaks sotto voce

The Jay: I’m givin’ this whole thing as a promotional expense, that’s why I invited clients instead of friends. You havin’ a good time, Mark?

/The Jay heads across the room, greeting other guests

The Jay: How you doing? Why don’t you have some of the brie, it’s at room temperature! You think it’s too warm in here for the brie?

Tall Woman at Party: The Jay, I’m going home.

The Jay: Aw, don’t leave yet. Well, listen, maybe if we start dancing other people will join in!

Tall Woman at Party: Okay!

/The Jay and the Tall Woman dance. It’s hot.

The doorbell rings.

The Jay: Oh, don’t move, I just gotta get the door. Ted! Annette! I’m glad you could come, how you doin’, give me your coats. Everybody, this is Ted and Annette Fleming! Ted has a small carpet cleaning business in receivership; Annette’s drawing a salary from a deferred bonus from two years ago! They got fifteen thousand left on the house at eight percent.

/The Jay throws the guests’ coats in the closet, oblivious that Renee Zellweger is being interviewed on the Red Carpet.

The Jay: So, does anybody wanna play Parcheesi?

Something odd appears on the TV.

The Jay: (grinning) Okay, who brought the BitchFace?

Bangarang!

Oh look, the Academy Awards are o-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Wuh? Huh? What I miss? Did Daniel Day-Lewis drink a milkshake?

Yikes, that was forgettable. It says a lot about the quality of the telecast when the best thing all night was the fake montage for binoculars and Hottie Mirren saying balls in Spanish. Why couldn’t Jon Stewart have secretly started working before the strike ended? Would anyone have really minded? At least we would have been saved the painful Nintendo Wii bit and the obnoxious Bee Movie bullshit; and maybe Amy Adams would have gotten some freaking Debbie Allen-style SUPPORT during her musical number! That being said, I would totally vote for Gaydolf Titler.

On the predicting front, I went seven for eight on the big races, and also nailed Animated Feature, Score, Costume Design, Editing, Cinematography, both of the Sound Awards and Jon Stewart’s B- perf (and won my party pool, btw). I biffed on OG Song (too much love for Amy Adams, though the Once song was pretty), VFX (guess the Academy loves hot Polar on Polar bear action as much as me), and Best Documentary. I was happy about No Country as Best Picture; my first true favorite since American Beauty in ’99, and was impressed that the Academy recommended so many worthy performances. A solid year for Oscar.

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that my Mom nailed the Cotillard win the moment she stepped on the red carpet. “That’s a Best Actress dress,” she said. “Just like when Julia wore the black and white dress in 2000.” Now you know where I get my mad predicting skillz.

So you know the drill: check any of the kagillion other pop blogs for a full recap or liveblog, cause you’re not getting one here. I have what I always have: the lowdown on what the stars were talking about on the Red Carpet.

Things Overheard on the Oscars Red Carpet…

Jack Nicholson: What am I even doing here? There’s not one Best Actress nominee here worth nailing. I already tagged Christie, and I don’t do Frenchies or pregnant chicks. Who in the hell is Laura Linney? And this Juno girl? Am I allowed to bang children now? Is that cool? What was it Roman used to say about that…

Daniel Day-Lewis: I will go Bill the Butcher on the next dippy journo who asks me about milkshakes. I will smear his blood on my boudoir. Two coats! Oh hi Roeper. Yes yes you drink my milkshake, ha ha!

Helen Mirren: The Queen demands you bring her James McAvoy. Place him in my private study. I shall tend to him shortly…

Hal Holbrook: What? Who? Where am I? I thought I was going to the Opera tonight? Is this a Designing Woman on my arm? Delta, is that you? … I am old.

Diablo Cody: Has anyone seen my date, Bam Bam?

Katherine Heigl: I am such an international movie star. It’s only a matter of time before I’m winning one of these bitches. /smokes a carton of cigarettes, is obnoxious

Ellen Page: Cute words cute words cute words LOVE ME(!), derf, I’m wearing Connie’s! I’m Rowr! But cute!

Cameron Diaz: It’s 5 o’clock, did I miss the free crack giveaway?

Jennifer Garner: So I didn’t get a nomination, that’s OK. That’s fine. They’re just jealous because I get to go home and fuck Ben Affleck. That a REAL honor! Just ask The Jay.

The Jay: True story.

Tilda Swinton: I heard it might rain today, so thankfully I remembered to bring my garbage bag poncho. Phew, that could have been embarrassing!

Javier Bardem: Hola, yo soy swarthy swarthy swarthy! /instantaneously knocks up Amy Adams just by looking at her

Jessica Alba: If I had known I’d get invited to the Oscars just for getting knocked up and making four or five bad movies in a year, I would have started years ago. Oh wait, I did…

Johnny Depp: /mumbles incoherently, immediately called the frontrunner for next year’s Best Actor race

Amy Adams: I swear to Jesus if they send me up on that stage by myself without any backdrop whatsoever and I have to sing that ridiculous song while waving my hands like an idiot, I’m gonna sick Anton Chigurh on bitches. I’m the new Julie Andrews, dammit!

Tommy Lee Jones: What’s all this wrassle frassle commotion? Dagnamit, this is hogwarsh! I ain’t got time for this. I have horses to tend to! And things in the distance to look weary at! I’m grisled!

Nicole Kidman: Chandelier delivery! Who ordered the chandelier?

John Travolta: Ch-Ch-Chia!

Bangarang!