If everything in Hollywood were as awesome as the Fool’s Gold trailer there would be no WGA Strike. Writers would be paid in gold and the studios would send them thank you e-cards twice a week.

Kate Hudson would only be allowed to appear in movies if she’s flaked in gold and McConaughey would only be allowed if he’s wearing tye-dye, rocking 2% body fat, and getting tagged in the head with a stick. Jaunty, 80’s-era Sting tunes would pepper every movie trailer, even the horror ones. Donald Sutherland would always get pegged with hilarious flying meatballs, and swords would always be soaring through the air, Die Hard 2-style.

All the Super Bowl ads would be as funny as the one where the Coke vendor grabs a Pepsi from the rack and spills Pepsi cans everywhere while “Your Cheating Heart” plays over the action. Ben Affleck would have top-lined five successful movies this year, and Keanu Reeves would have shocked the world with his insanely brilliant performance as Daniel Plainview in There Will Be Blood.

If everything in Hollywood were as awesome as the Fool’s Gold trailer, the Bluth Family would still be in business, Kristen Bell would have to run like crazy to shoot Heroes, Gossip Girl and Veronica Mars Season Four at the same time, and Rachel Bilson would still be looking cute on The O.C. (but Adam Brody would be totes passed over by now).

Jack Donaghy would be Britney’s personal therapist, Jodie Foster would do comedies again, Ashley Judd wouldn’t be depressed anymore, and Kate Winslet would have won an Oscar by now.

If everything in Hollywood were as awesome as the Fool’s Gold trailer, Juno would have had a better narrative arc, Transformers would have been 8% less silly, Knocked Up would have been 37% less Heigl-y and Pirates of the Carribean would have GOTTEN ON WITH IT ALREADY! Spider-Man 3 would have been more kick ass and less musical theatre, I Am Legend wouldn’t have resembled a cut-rate Resident Evil videogame, and Ghost Rider would have been intentionally funny, instead of unintentionally.

If everything in Hollywood were as awesome as the Fool’s Gold trailer, Heath Ledger would still be alive.

If everything in Hollywood were as awesome as the Fool’s Gold trailer, there would be fewer “celebrities”.

Gigli would have been a hit, Night At The Museum would have been a miss, and Mission: Impossible III would have been better-received. Will Ferrell would stop making sports movies, Jennifer Lopez would stop making music, and Sean Connery would come out of retirement to hock Penis Mightier’s.

Christopher Walken would do more movies with Dennis Hopper, John Travolta would dance in everything, and Angelina Jolie would be palatable when she’s not holding a gun. Rachel McAdams would get back to work, Matt Saracen and Julie Taylor would get back together, and Christian Slater would get to make good movies again.

If everything in Hollywood were as awesome as the Fool’s Gold trailer, Tom Cruise would not have jumped over the couch. The couch would have jumped over him.

If everything in Hollywood were as awesome as the Fool’s Gold trailer, Steve Martin would write a new caustic novella every year, John Hughes would write a teen comedy for today’s annoying, unfortunate generation, and Dane Cook would finally write a funny joke.

Mel Gibson would like Jews, Bill Murray would like chemical peels, Samuel L. Jackson would like muthafuckin snakes, and Renee Zellweger would like smiling. I’d find Patrick Dempsey’s hair less smug, Tom Hanks’s Hair less fake and Nic Cage’s hair less funny.

If everything in Hollywood were as awesome as the Fool’s Gold trailer, Paris Hilton would be just another girl, Lindsay Lohan would never have touched drugs, and Britney Spears would be beloved, childless, medicated and headlining her latest sold out world tour (for which I would have front row tix to the LA show). Pamela Anderson would never have gotten Hep-C and never lost her luster. Claire Forlani wouldn’t have been blamed for Meet Joe Black. Heather Graham would still be a big screen hottie. And Alicia Silverstone would have figured it all out.

Eddie Murphy would still be dropping F-bombs, Fiona Apple would have never dropped an S-bomb on MTV, and Katie Holmes would have been dropped from her contract. Sarah Silverman would ACTUALLY be fucking Matt Damon.

If everything in Hollywood were as awesome as the Fool’s Gold trailer, there would be no Botox and we’d get to see stars age gracefully on screen. HD would be more forgiving, TiVo would have a quadruple bloop, and home entertainment would pick one format and stick with it, for godsakes!

If everything in Hollywood were as awesome as the Fool’s Gold trailer, everything everything EVERYTHING would be Bangarang!

P.S. So yeah, in case you hadn’t noticed, big fan of the trailer!