Javier Bardem Terrorizes Oscar

In my ever-continuing pursuit to give you the best Oscar coverage on the interwebs, I have persuaded several actors nominated for Academy Awards to take the time to tell you why they deserve the Oscar. Here now is Javier Bardem, nominated for Best Supporting Actor for his bone-chilling performance as psycho hitman Anton Chigurh in No Country For Old Men, having a conversation with Oscar.

Javier Bardem Campaigns For Oscar.

NOTE: Watch this video before reading

OSCAR: Y’all getting any awards up your way?

JAVIER BARDEM: What way would that be?

OSCAR: I seen you was in No Country For Old Men.

JAVIER BARDEM: What business is it of yours what movie I was in, friendo?

OSCAR: I didn’t mean nothin’ by it.

JAVIER BARDEM: Didn’t mean nothin’.

OSCAR: I was just passin’ the time till Access Hollywood comes on.

JAVIER BARDEM: I guess that passes for manners in your cracker TMZ view of things.

A beat.

OSCAR: Well sir, I apologize. If you don’t wanna accept that I don’t know what else I can do for you.

A beat.

OSCAR: Will there be something else?

JAVIER BARDEM: I don’t know. Will there?

Beat.

OSCAR: Is somethin’ wrong?

JAVIER BARDEM: With what?

OSCAR: With anything?

JAVIER BARDEM: Is that what you’re asking me? Is there something wrong with anything?

OSCAR: Will there be anything else?

JAVIER BARDEM: You already asked me that.

OSCAR: Well… I need to see about my Oscar votin’.

JAVIER BARDEM: See about voting.

OSCAR: Yessir.

JAVIER BARDEM: What time do you vote?

OSCAR: Now. I vote now.

JAVIER BARDEM: Now is not a time. What time do you vote?

OSCAR: Generally around mid-February. In February.

JAVIER BARDEM: You don’t know what you’re talking about, do you?

OSCAR: Sir?

JAVIER BARDEM: I said you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Pause.

JAVIER BARDEM: What time do you watch your Academy screeners?

OSCAR: Sir?

JAVIER BARDEM: You’re a bit deaf, aren’t you? I said what time do you watch your Academy screeners?

OSCAR: Well. . . I’d say somewhere around nine-thirty.

JAVIER BARDEM: I could come back then.

OSCAR: Why would you be comin’ back? I’ll be watchin’ a movie.

JAVIER BARDEM: You said that.

OSCAR: Well… I need to vote now-

JAVIER BARDEM: You hold the Oscars in that Kodak Theatre behind Hollywood & Highland?

OSCAR: Yes I do.

JAVIER BARDEM: You’ve held the Oscars there all your life?

A beat.

OSCAR: It’s the Academy’s new staging place.

JAVIER BARDEM: You moved into it.

OSCAR: We held it at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion in Downtown for many years. Gave away a lot of Oscars there. In Downtown. We came out here about six years ago.

JAVIER BARDEM: You moved into it.

OSCAR: If that’s how you wanna put it.

JAVIER BARDEM: I don’t have some way to put it. That’s the way it is.

Short pause.

JAVIER BARDEM: What’s the most you’ve ever lost in an Oscar pool?

OSCAR: Sir?

JAVIER BARDEM: The most. You ever lost. In an Oscar pool?

OSCAR: I don’t know. I couldn’t say.

Javier is digging in his pocket. An Oscar ballot: he slams it on the desk. Puts his hand over it.

JAVIER BARDEM: Award it.

OSCAR: Award it?

JAVIER BARDEM: Yes.

OSCAR: For what?

JAVIER BARDEM: Just award it.

OSCAR: Well — we need to know what it is we’re awardin’ for here.

JAVIER BARDEM: You need to award it. I can’t award it for you. It wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t even be right.

OSCAR: I didn’t put any nominations up.

JAVIER BARDEM: Yes you did. You been nominating it up your whole life. You just didn’t know it. You know what date is on this ballot?

OSCAR: No.

JAVIER BARDEM: Two-Thousand One. I’ve been waiting for seven years to get back here. And now I’m here. And it’s either Best Supporting Actor or another boring win for Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and you have to say. Award it.

A long beat.

OSCAR: Look… I got to know what you stand to win.

JAVIER BARDEM: Everything.

OSCAR: How’s that?

JAVIER BARDEM: I stand to win everything. But mostly I get a better back-end percentage on my next movie. Award it.

OSCAR: All right. Anton Chigurh then.

Javier takes his hand away from the ballot to look at it. Bardem’s name is circled in his category.

JAVIER BARDEM: Well done.

He hands the ballot across to Oscar.

JAVIER BARDEM: Don’t put it in your pocket.

OSCAR: Sir?

JAVIER BARDEM: Don’t put it in your pocket. It’s your lucky Oscar voting ballot.

OSCAR: Where you want me to put it?

JAVIER BARDEM: Anywhere not in your pocket. Or it’ll get mixed in with the others and become just another Oscar voting ballot. …which it is.

Javier walks away. Oscar watches him go; silently wets himself.

Bangarang!

About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for TheJay.com. The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch, BestWeekEver.tv, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on NowLive.com from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @ www.Twitter.com/jasonamatthews
This entry was posted in 2008 Academy Awards, Oscars. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Javier Bardem Terrorizes Oscar

  1. Okay, this actor totally creeped me out in that scene. Eeew!

    Kaza Kinglsey

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