NOTE: Go HERE for my recap of the Top 10 Guys!
And now the “David Archuleta conquers mankind” portion of my JAYmerican Idol Coverage begins.
Apologies to the eleven other contestants, who are forced to stand next to this whirlwind of wonder, but they don’t stand a chance. I don’t think I have ever liked an Idol as much as I do David Archuleta (I liked Bo Bice’s voice more, and Blake Lewis was pound for pound awesome, but we’re only talking likeability here). It’s possible I’ve never liked another human being as much as I like David Archuleta.
If the Dear Lord Baby Jesus came down and said you must pick one to survive, David Archuleta, Rachel Bilson or Keanu Reeves, I would have to seriously consider whether or not the Speed DVD and OC reruns would be good enough for me. I would punch Natalie Portman in the face if The Arch asked me to.
Do I sound at all man-raper-y? Let me know when I approach that line.
As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!
TRIPLE BLOOP
Luke Menard – And my sleeper pick goes down in week one for the SECOND YEAR IN A ROW! This is why you never pick your Idol horse without first hearing them sing. Just because a brother looks like Orlando Bloom’s better looking first cousin does NOT mean he won’t be as bland, if not MORE, than the Pirates pussyboy. I literally could not believe how bored I was during his perf. At least with Jason Yeager you were mesmerized by how amazingly facial-ticky he was. What was interesting to watch about Luke, beyond his hair? I abhor bland people. And Reese Witherspoon.
Jason Yeager – One, no one pulls off a skunk patch unless their name is Rasheed Wallace, John Henson or Pepe Le Peu. Two, really, guy, Moon River on Performance Night One? Is what you thought would stop me from double-blooping your ass? Calm your face down, sing like you own an iPod Nano and cut your child’s freakin’ hair! He looked like if Freddie Highmore were raised by The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
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DOUBLE BLOOP
Danny Noriega – HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! GROSS TIGHT PANTS! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! At some point I may have to blame Neil Patrick Harris for this.
David Hernandez – Someone really should have told him the stage wasn’t like a death trap from Saw, he’s allowed to move around that bitch. Thought it was a touch cruel to slot him first after Simon took him to task in the Top 24 Showdown, but he didn’t bomb too terribly. I have literally no memory of anything he did at all, but I have a vague recollection that it didn’t suck as bad as Luke Menard. So, you know, there’s that.
Chikezie Eze – I liked the suit. Yes, its way lounge-lizardy, but you gotta give it up to a guy brave enough to wear rust orange and loafers. The boy definitely heeded John Witherspoon’s invaluable rule: You got to coordinate! But what say you of the singing, you say? It… ah sucked! I rarely think contestants kicked off previous seasons in Hollywood Week should be allowed to come back (Danny Noriega!), with Gina Glocksen being the lone exception, and Chikezie did nothing to make me think the judges didn’t make a mistake in putting him through. Was he really the only good African American male singer in all of the auditions? Yikes. Ruben Studdard better start penning his Sorry For 2008.
Garrett Haley – The hair has GOT to go. He’s not even worth talking about until this happens. Though I did love Simon’s comments about him: “You look like a ghoul who’s been locked up in your room for three months.” To quote Simon back to Simon: That. Was. Brilliant.
Robbie Carrico – This is what I thought while watching Britney’s tween years boytoy poseur his way through “One”: Aimee Man did this better on the soundtrack to Magnolia, I fucking hate Magnolia, I will never have those three hours of my life back, go fuck yourself Robbie Carrico. Then I came to my senses and realized that for sheer comedic value, it’s always wise to have Bret Michaels take part in American Idol. Oh, and to quote my friend Audiebird: “Thanks for that, Bucky Covington!”
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SINGLE BLOOP
Jason Castro – I’ve always wondered what it would be like to see Zach De La Rocha sing a Jack Johnson song, and now I know. I’m tempted to say “Get a haircut, hippe”, but I’m digging on the whole persona. And I have to throw some dap his way for being the only guy to use an instrument. He might be my second favorite guy on the show.
Colton Berry – One of my rules in determining the next American Idol is seeing how fervidly their parents cheer for them in the crowd. So if judging by Colton’s parents sheer DISDAIN for their child is any indication, Colton is not long for the Idol stage. However, I dug the song choice, really dug his royal blue pants and was relieved that the show produced at least one tolerable Elvis perf to wash away the HATE of Danny Noriega. My big problem is that as a wee little thing he isn’t even the toenail jam of David Archuleta’s left big toe, so why even bother keeping him around?
David Cook – The bad: his Andre Agassi hair ruse, the microphone stand-pointing, the gray vest, the uggo face. The good: he sang the Golden Grahams song! I mean, hello, SOLD! How can I hate him now? Send him to the finals immediately. If he sings the Caramello jingle I may have to put bunk beds in David Archuleta’s room in my house.
Michael Johns – You know that inexplicable awesomeness that pervades the entirety of Val Kilmer? That intangible thing you are so attracted to in him that makes you ignore his total utter douchery and discount the stories of his intolerable on-set behavior? The oof-factor of The Kilmer when he’s on and telling you he’ll be your Huckleberry? Michael Johns does not have that thing. He could not even be my boysenberry. Will he make the finals and be in our lives come May? Yes, yes he will. But he needs to stop trying to be early 90’s Bon Jovi singing “Always”, lose the Castro District scarf and grow a personality beyond his smoldering hair and good vocal control.
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NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!
David Archuleta – Let me present to you the timeline of his performance:
Video Package Plays: Golden Retrievers weep at his adorableness.
David Sings What A Feeling: Irene Cara slaughters her first born male and calls the FOX Broadcasting Network demanding they hand him over to her as a royalty payment.
One Minute Into His Perf: Vanessa Hudgens begins sending him a dozen naked cell phone pictures.
Two Minutes Into His Perf: Somewhere in Bel Air, Hannah Montana got moist.
Two and a Half Minutes Into His Perf: Paula Abdul melts. Ryan Seacrest thanks Jesus.
End of His Performance: 90% of all fourteen year-old girls make a violent dash to their laptops to download pictures of David for their lockers. The other ten percent skip the locker beat and tape a pic of his head onto the end of their vibrators.
The Judges Judge Him: Simon is at half-stock underneath the table. Ryan can’t even TRY to hide how badly he wants to man-rape the boy in a broom closet.
Ryan Talks To Him On Stage: The Straight Male Population is wondering if it just moved.
The Numbers Go Up: Disney executives sit in a boardroom masturbating over their evil plans to steal David from the clutches of 19 Entertainment and transform him into THE GREATEST TWEEN POP STAR IN THE HISTORY OF EVER!
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Bottom Four: Luke Menard, Jason Yeager, David Hernandez, Chikezie Eze
My prediction for who gets the axe: Luke Menard & Jason Yeager
UPDATE: I guess it pays to look like Orlando Bloom’s bland brother. Peace out, Colton and Leif. You’re gone but also forgotten.
Bangarang!
[...] forced to stand next to this whirlwind of wonder, but they don??t stand a chance. I don??t think Ihttp://www.thejay.com/2008/02/20/grading-american-idol-s7-top12-guys/Vanessa Hudgens – Gotta Go My Own Way LyricsGotta Go My own way Lyrics by vanessa hudgens are the [...]
danny noriega is amazing! hes sooo sweet and its been half a year and guess wat?!?! him and his fans, us, the danimals are still srong! all u haters tht hate him will have to deal with him cuz guess wat, hes gonna be biig! i meanlike hes auditioned for adidas comercials, “a nightmare on elm st” and a lot of other stuff soo back off! LOVE YOU DANNY!!