Grading the American Idol Season Seven Top 12 Girls On The TiVo Multi-Bloop Scale

NOTE: Click HERE to read my recap of the Top 10 Girls (2/27/08).

Was it me or did that episode feel like it went on for fourteen years? I can’t STAND it when half the group sings slow ballads; it makes the show lifeless and interminable. I wanna see the girls move around, get bouncy and smile. I don’t need them to prove they have a big voice by sitting on a stool and gazing earnestly into the camera. I know they all have great voices; they made the Top 24, didn’t they? I want to see personality, some little thing I can grab onto and be overly obsequious about. Like the little look Brooke gave David while she sang the same thing he did the night before. Or the sultry head turn Ramiele kept dropping. Or how Alexandrea dealt with Simon and Ryan’s inane bickering.

I learned nothing new tonight except that Asia’h and Alexandrea are better than I thought, and Angelina Jolie can produce horrid offspring (more on this in a moment…). The girls are definitely better than the guys, and for certain the hottest Top 12 Girls per capita in Idol history. Whether or not any of them are finale front-runners, remains to be seen.

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

TRIPLE BLOOP

Amy Davis – Let me tell you a story now of how Amy Davis came to be in our lives. One day a few years back Angelina Jolie was sitting in on her couch, watching a rerun of Grey’s Anatomy when she caught sight of Kate Walsh and her eyes went wide. Wide like the first take of her Gia lesbian love scene with Juliet from Lost. A fire lit in her belly. She HAD to have Addison Shepherd. And have her, she did. Angelina showed up on set, slapped Patrick Dempsey’s Hair in the face, grabbed Kate by the hair and dragged her into a broom closet like a caveperson. They made violent love for close to eight hours and when the event was over, Kate was miraculously pregnant. The child turned out to be Amy Davis. And in an odd turn of events, that child turned out to be BORING AND TALENTESS! The end.

Kristy Lee Cook – Stop. Doing. That. Thing. With. Your. EYES. Freak-o!

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DOUBLE BLOOP

Joanne Borgella – Is it bad of me that I compare every plus-size African American woman to the like contestants from past seasons? I guess if they can put Alaina up against Carrie, I can put Joanne against J-Hud and LaKisha. And unfortch for Joanne, she just doesn’t stack up. A nice face to be sure, and a sweet voice, but I’m not getting the chills from her the way I did from LaKisha last season (though I hated her, she could for-def blow). LaKisha got to the Top 4 by bringing the house down every time she stepped up to the mic, Joanne doesn’t stand a chance against a stacked female pack unless she does the same.

Amanda Overmyer – We really should have gotten a disclaimer about the scatting before her performance, so half the voting pop didn’t think she forgot the words (or was mumbling). The perf did nothing to show that she had a great voice, but what she did do was definitely interesting to watch. However, the day I buy into her being 23 and not 43 is the day I admit to the world that I’m secretly in love with Reese Witherspoon. Which, hello, is NEVER going to happen!

Kady Malloy – Number one, girl needs to lose the bitchface. I hate it on Renee Zellweger, and I Danny Noriega HATE it on Kady. Two, girl needs to go back and watch tape of Haley Mercado from last year; the annual AI hottie with the sketch voice needs to pump the gams and sing up-tempo EVERY TIME, or else all we have is something pretty to look out (and that gets old). Kady can’t out sing Ramiele or Carly so the name of her game needs to be “diversion”. She can float into the Top 12 simply by showing up, not sucking and looking pretty. But she’s gonna be beautiful cannon fodder if she doesn’t loosen up. Will it be too meta if they let her sing “Everytime” by Brit Brit come Top 40 night? At night I pray… (that’s for you, Bird)

Brooke White – I can’t decide if I love her or hate her, but I think I hate her. She just reeks of limp handshake. Like her hug technique is disgusting, right? I dig her Carly Simon vibe (though did you notice she’s totes rocking a Jessica Biel mouth?), and the voice is tight, but something about her is just too drippy for my taste. That being said, I can’t hate her too much because, like David Cook, she dropped some knowledge on the Golden Grahams joint!

Syesha Mercardo – I’m not sold on her. She was definitely pitchy in parts, a bit too overconfident, and caught an odd vibe from Simon. Like he wanted to like it but didn’t, and was surprised how much he kinda hated it. And what was with her sitting on her feet during the Coca-Cola lounge interview? Ryan does not like to be made to look short! He will have his vengeance, in this life or the next.

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SINGLE BLOOP

Alaina Whitaker – Great energy, sweet smile, solid vocal. I could die of boredom choosing friendly adjectives to describe her. When she decides to get dirty, that’ll be judgment day. Until then, she’s middle of the road.

Carly Smithson – I didn’t think it was the best vocal of the night, and especially not of the week, like R-Jax thought, but I was supes relieved she didn’t lay an egg up there. When she skipped the Boys Night I was worried she had gotten the boot from the whole prior record deal hubbub. And when I heard she was just very ill I was worried she’d have a hacking cough fit halfway through her set. Thankfully, neither of those things turned out to be true. She has nice control, great professionalism and true grit, which I appreciate on this show. I’d lose the dowdy clothes, though. And when she gets better, and they do 90’s week, I DEMAND to hear her sing Garbage. She would slay “When I Grow Up”.

Alexandrea Lushington – Woot! That’s how you bring it down! Guh-rate outfit, kickin’ vocal styles and a smooth handle with the judges. I’m worried about her higher register and her hunchy shoulder moves, but I’m sure the producers will smooth that business out in time for the finals. Early Top 12 sleeper right here.

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NO BLOOPS

Ramiele Malubay – Did you see the shot of her sitting next to Archuleta in her video package? That was like the Grand Summit Event of Diminutive Awesomeness, the coming together of everything in this world that is cute and pure and a-may-zing. They would make the most phenomenal midget duet team. Loved Ramiele’s hair and makeup, she looked fantastic. I was hoping to see her set the roof on fire with one of those hugemongous final notes, but didn’t get it. Her control is great, and I’m itching to see how big her range is, but I really think she needs to BELT to have a true chance of leading the pack. Right now, it’s her, Carly, and the Triple A (Asia’h, Alaina and Alexandrea) and everyone else.

Asia’h Epperson – The best performance of the night. She has the same type of vocal tick as David Archuleta (his labored breathing); Asia’h’s (yikes!) voice drops out before big notes, and slurs certain consonants, which gives her performance a scary, “this is about to go bad” vibe. You just never know if she’s going to crack up. But at least for tonight, she danced awesomely – and successfully – on that high wire.

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Bottom Four: Amy Davis, Joanne Borgella, Kristy Lee Cook, Kady Malloy

My prediction for who gets the axe: Amy Davis & Joanne Borgella

UPDATE: BOOM! Nailed it!

Bangarang!