The Scene: The Jay’s Oscar Party

The Players: The Jay, Random Guests, Renee Zellweger’s BitchFace.

INT. THE JAY’S APT - OSCAR NIGHT

Red Carpet coverage of the 2008 Oscars is in full swing, and so is the party. Random pretty people mill about, drinking wine and dishing about celeb gossip.

“Did you hear Colin Firth ask if way-dead Adrienne Shelley was in the house at the Spirits?”

“That Wanker Darcy!”

The Jay is hosting like a champion, workin’ the room, making sure everyone is having a good time.

Hot Chick At Party: Do you have any Excedrin or extra-strength Tylenol?

The Jay: Gee, I think all I got is acetylsalicylic acid, generic. See, I can get six hundred tablets of that for the same price as three hundred of a name brand. That makes good financial sense, good advice…

/The Jay brings a platter of meat into the living room

The Jay: Hey, this is real smoked salmon from Nova Scotia, Canada, $24.95 a pound! It only cost me $14.12 after tax, though.

/The Jay walks up to a random guest, speaks sotto voce

The Jay: I’m givin’ this whole thing as a promotional expense, that’s why I invited clients instead of friends. You havin’ a good time, Mark?

/The Jay heads across the room, greeting other guests

The Jay: How you doing? Why don’t you have some of the brie, it’s at room temperature! You think it’s too warm in here for the brie?

Tall Woman at Party: The Jay, I’m going home.

The Jay: Aw, don’t leave yet. Well, listen, maybe if we start dancing other people will join in!

Tall Woman at Party: Okay!

/The Jay and the Tall Woman dance. It’s hot.

The doorbell rings.

The Jay: Oh, don’t move, I just gotta get the door. Ted! Annette! I’m glad you could come, how you doin’, give me your coats. Everybody, this is Ted and Annette Fleming! Ted has a small carpet cleaning business in receivership; Annette’s drawing a salary from a deferred bonus from two years ago! They got fifteen thousand left on the house at eight percent.

/The Jay throws the guests’ coats in the closet, oblivious that Renee Zellweger is being interviewed on the Red Carpet.

The Jay: So, does anybody wanna play Parcheesi?

Something odd appears on the TV.

The Jay: (grinning) Okay, who brought the BitchFace?

Bangarang!