Oh look, the Academy Awards are o-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Wuh? Huh? What I miss? Did Daniel Day-Lewis drink a milkshake?

Yikes, that was forgettable. It says a lot about the quality of the telecast when the best thing all night was the fake montage for binoculars and Hottie Mirren saying balls in Spanish. Why couldn’t Jon Stewart have secretly started working before the strike ended? Would anyone have really minded? At least we would have been saved the painful Nintendo Wii bit and the obnoxious Bee Movie bullshit; and maybe Amy Adams would have gotten some freaking Debbie Allen-style SUPPORT during her musical number! That being said, I would totally vote for Gaydolf Titler.

On the predicting front, I went seven for eight on the big races, and also nailed Animated Feature, Score, Costume Design, Editing, Cinematography, both of the Sound Awards and Jon Stewart’s B- perf (and won my party pool, btw). I biffed on OG Song (too much love for Amy Adams, though the Once song was pretty), VFX (guess the Academy loves hot Polar on Polar bear action as much as me), and Best Documentary. I was happy about No Country as Best Picture; my first true favorite since American Beauty in ’99, and was impressed that the Academy recommended so many worthy performances. A solid year for Oscar.

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that my Mom nailed the Cotillard win the moment she stepped on the red carpet. “That’s a Best Actress dress,” she said. “Just like when Julia wore the black and white dress in 2000.” Now you know where I get my mad predicting skillz.

So you know the drill: check any of the kagillion other pop blogs for a full recap or liveblog, cause you’re not getting one here. I have what I always have: the lowdown on what the stars were talking about on the Red Carpet.

Things Overheard on the Oscars Red Carpet…

Jack Nicholson: What am I even doing here? There’s not one Best Actress nominee here worth nailing. I already tagged Christie, and I don’t do Frenchies or pregnant chicks. Who in the hell is Laura Linney? And this Juno girl? Am I allowed to bang children now? Is that cool? What was it Roman used to say about that…

Daniel Day-Lewis: I will go Bill the Butcher on the next dippy journo who asks me about milkshakes. I will smear his blood on my boudoir. Two coats! Oh hi Roeper. Yes yes you drink my milkshake, ha ha!

Helen Mirren: The Queen demands you bring her James McAvoy. Place him in my private study. I shall tend to him shortly…

Hal Holbrook: What? Who? Where am I? I thought I was going to the Opera tonight? Is this a Designing Woman on my arm? Delta, is that you? … I am old.

Diablo Cody: Has anyone seen my date, Bam Bam?

Katherine Heigl: I am such an international movie star. It’s only a matter of time before I’m winning one of these bitches. /smokes a carton of cigarettes, is obnoxious

Ellen Page: Cute words cute words cute words LOVE ME(!), derf, I’m wearing Connie’s! I’m Rowr! But cute!

Cameron Diaz: It’s 5 o’clock, did I miss the free crack giveaway?

Jennifer Garner: So I didn’t get a nomination, that’s OK. That’s fine. They’re just jealous because I get to go home and fuck Ben Affleck. That a REAL honor! Just ask The Jay.

The Jay: True story.

Tilda Swinton: I heard it might rain today, so thankfully I remembered to bring my garbage bag poncho. Phew, that could have been embarrassing!

Javier Bardem: Hola, yo soy swarthy swarthy swarthy! /instantaneously knocks up Amy Adams just by looking at her

Jessica Alba: If I had known I’d get invited to the Oscars just for getting knocked up and making four or five bad movies in a year, I would have started years ago. Oh wait, I did…

Johnny Depp: /mumbles incoherently, immediately called the frontrunner for next year’s Best Actor race

Amy Adams: I swear to Jesus if they send me up on that stage by myself without any backdrop whatsoever and I have to sing that ridiculous song while waving my hands like an idiot, I’m gonna sick Anton Chigurh on bitches. I’m the new Julie Andrews, dammit!

Tommy Lee Jones: What’s all this wrassle frassle commotion? Dagnamit, this is hogwarsh! I ain’t got time for this. I have horses to tend to! And things in the distance to look weary at! I’m grisled!

Nicole Kidman: Chandelier delivery! Who ordered the chandelier?

John Travolta: Ch-Ch-Chia!

Bangarang!