Beyond learning that David Archuleta can unite us all under one God, him, we learned some interesting things week. Turns out Robbie was wearing the bandanas to dim his poser douchebag levels, David Hernandez is kinda eyeballs creepy but can really blow, David Cook is not obnoxious and Michael Johns is exceedingly fallible. We also learned that Chikezie might not be going anywhere and Jason Castro is gonna need some help to make it to the Top 12. By my count, there are four guys locked in: Archuleta, Johns, Noriega and Cook. It’s gonna be a hell of a game for the final two spots.

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

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TRIPLE BLOOP

Robbie Carrico – I’m automatically deducting him one full bloop for the continued presence of the wallet chain. This isn’t 1997, douchebag, lose the metal. Boy seems to have the rocker posturing down, but I have reservations about giving him actual street cred. He still seems like Justin Timberlake put on a wig and cranked the Whitesnake in his car. Fun to watch, sure, but balls to listen to. Also, to reiterate a point, get a haircut, hippie!

Jason Yeager – This was me during his performance: Oh god, stop! Stop with the eyes. Don’t the do dancing! Oh, he’s doing the Carlton, poorly. Oh! Stop with la-la-la. Oooh! Stop with cruise ship face! Stop with the everything! Just STOP! … actually, that wasn’t bad.

Luke Menard – What show does this guy think he’s on? He realizes he needs to sing good, right? His helmet hair and Orlando Bloom likeness aren’t getting him through to the Top 12. Some profey musician needs to teach him to keep his distance from the mic so he’s not spitting into and it and slurring his words, a movement coach needs to slap him every time he does the lead singer “looking into the wings” bullshit, and a stylist needs to pull back on the hairspray and attack him with a straight razor and some Edge sensitize skin shaving gel.

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DOUBLE BLOOP

Jason Castro – I didn’t notice last week how pleasant-sounding his voice was. The actual tone, how it comes out of his mouth, very nice. Easy to listen to, which will get him FAR in this competition. When you’re used to the sonic torture of Sanjaya or the alien-tones of Phil Haley, you get enamored real quick with a guy that sounds like lavender in your ears. That being said, terrible stage presence! Boy needs to learn to use his feet. He looked like Rocky in the first Clubber Lang bout. Somebody start pumping some Survivor into his dressing room! Send him to a dirty recording studio in Compton where all the rappers have the eye of the tiger. Then Randy Jackson can race him on the beach in dolphin shorts and awkwardly hug him in the water, in a completely non-gay way. Though Ryan will still be jealous.

Michael Johns – Michael’s downfall will be that his voice has no next level. It’s just not transcendent. He has nowhere to go; no higher, explosive level. When Archuleta needs to he can boost his whole performance up and energize the crowd. There wasn’t one moment tonight where I felt like Michael could bring the house down. Though I disagree with the song choice complaint, Fleetwood Mac is the business! Wish the boy would have DRESSED for the stage, though. A t-shirt kid, really? Who are you supposed to be, Jack Johnson? Uh… go fuck yourself!

Danny Noriega – HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! UGLY SWEATER! DUMPY BODY! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! Seriously, who took Rufio’s balls away and sent him on stage in a gross plaid cardigan?

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SINGLE BLOOP

David Hernandez – Yes Officer, I’d like to report an eye raping. He was a latino gentleman, about 5’8, wearing a lame Step Up 2 The Streets hoodie jacket combo, trying to front Mick Jagger, sort of pulling it off. Yes, the eyes were awful. I was totally violated. I’d like to press charges. We need to get this d-bag off the stage, for the safety of his next victims.

Chikezie Eze – Terrific fun, good vocal, nice attitude, but I missed the style! Where was the chintzy yet badass pimpsuit? He should have rocked something powder blue and awesome. I would have no blooped him if he had sported something deliciously tacky. As it is, big step up for him, for me, as I kinda want him to stay now. He’s a nice wild card amidst the litany of pansy white guys they booked in this year (cough Yeags cough).

David Cook – The guy can shred, the guy can command the stage, and the guy can rock a tight black-t. But American Idol is looking for a singer, not a guitar player, and that was the problem tonight. Castro gets away with it because he never moves, and never tips his hat to his playing. Cook had too much going on, with the too loud guitar and the big back up singer reliance, I just couldn’t hear his vocal. I assume it was good, but I need to know for a certainty every time he steps up before I put him in the running.

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NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!

David Archuleta – Let me present to you the timeline of his performance:

Video Package Plays: Rednecks in the South suddenly start liking black people.

David Sings For the Season One Idols: Burmese warlords put their guns down (for five minutes).

One Minute Into His Perf: The War in Iraq just ended.

Two Minutes Into His Perf: Paula Abdul literally dies.

Two and a Half Minutes Into His Perf: Israel and Palestine forgive each other.

End of His Performance: Osama bin Laden, somewhere in a cave in Afghanistan, considers turning himself in. Maybe David will come sing for him in prison? Worth it!

The Judges Judge Him: Randy lights himself on fire, renames the Dawg Pound the Archuleta Kennel. Paula is a weeping corpse. Simon bitchslaps everyone in the studio and then makes David a turkey sandwich.

Ryan Talks To Him On Stage: The Nobel Prize Committee decides to quite while they’re ahead and start engraving David’s plaque. With world peace now attained, beauty pageant contestants start trying to come up with a new cause.

The Numbers Go Up: Daniel Plainview lets David drink his milkshake up.

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Bottom Three: Luke Menard, Jason Yeager, Danny Noriega

My prediction for who gets the axe: Luke Menard & Jason Yeager

Bangarang!