Tonight was one of those episodes that the casual viewer would be better served just watching the two minute recap at the end of the episode, because sittin through the full 96 minutes would have been a complete waste of time (and would probably turn them off the season). This was not the week I’d highlight as a reason for a non-watcher to commit to the show. There was consistently for the girls, but it was them being consistently abysmal. A few girls did better than last week (Smithson, Lee Cook, Overmyer), but as a whole there wasn’t one performance I’d want to watch again. Even my homegirl Ramiele had problems.
They should have spent two minutes airing the recap then run David Archuleta’s “Imagine” performance on a loop for an hour, it would have been TOTES more engrossing. And I would have been spared seeing Kristy Lee Cook look like she was trying to drop a deuce on stage and Kady Malloy turning blazing hotness into a hateful thing. Where’s Haley Mercado’s inoffensive, mediocre voice and sweet, sweet stems when you need her?
As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!
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TRIPLE BLOOP
Kristy Lee Cook – Five girls in I was wondering if I was gonna have anyone to triple bloop tonight. Thank you, Kristy Lee Cook. I’m way glad she listened to me about losing that freak-o eye thing she did last week, but apparently didn’t get the memo about standing in a weird bow-legged stance. Girl needs a movement coach, like Robbie Carrico needs a punch in the face. Which is to say, A LOT. Was there anything interesting about the performance, beyond seeing her in that tight outfit (those legs go ALL the way up)? I say no.
Alexandrea Lushington – Never again with the shorts, kid. NEVER again! Sloppity sloppity! As for the singing, I’ll relay what my roommate said white watching her perform: “This is gay.” I concur.
Kady Malloy – She had the dead eyes in her video package. Love the crappy Simon Cowell voice, though. What was with her mic being so low? I couldn’t hear her terrible singing half the time. Not that I would have wanted to if I had. This might be the first time in three seasons I actually wanted my hottie horse to get booted. As nice as she is to look at, she’s Noriega torture to listen to. To use my own crappy Simon Cowell voice: That. Was. Ghastly.
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DOUBLE BLOOP
Brooke White – The Carly Simon perf was only a matter of time, huh? I’m always wary of Idol’s singing songs from the artists they’re being compared to, like if Alaina sang “Before He Cheats” or Danny Noriega sang “I’m a douche” (it’s a song!), cause it only invites negative comparison. What are the odds of us liking their version better, when their name isn’t David Archuleta? 1-500? She sang it well, honest to blog, but I’d rather see her experiment a little. Get dirty a bit. Wouldn’t it have been fascinating if her and Carly had switched songs?
Asia’h Epperson – Poor Rashida Jones, having her voice drop like a weight on that signature note. It’s the thing I’m always worried about with King Jesus Archuleta, and was concerned about with Asia’h. She worked it out for the rest of the song, even delivered some smashing knock out notes, but it’s like delivering a flawless figure skating routine after double footing your first triple toeloop triple sachow combination. The East German judge is always gonna knock you down for that. Asia’h/Rashida looked fantastic, though. Hope Jim was watching (he’d probably have given the camera a classic Jim shrug on the dropped note, like the low-level lovable d-bag he is)…
Amanda Overmyer – Since when did Rogue get put on American Idol? Does Professor X know she’s gone? I was half afraid she was going to suck the life out of wee Ryan Seacrest and absorb his powers of awesome gay awesomeness. Dug the dancing and was fascinated to watch her try to sing beyond the Janice box, even if it was a bit nechy. Didn’t love it, didn’t hate it, but was the first time I actually wanted to see her come back. So that’s something. Can I call you Amanda, Weapon X?
Alaina Whitaker – How could I bloop a fellow OCD-er? She doesn’t like when her food touches! She’s like LL Cool J from Toys. LOVE! Know what I don’t love? Boring, Oliva Newton-John ballads performed in a frumpy blue dress with crazy Hilary Duff hair and a Madonna gap (isn’t that a weird love child?). Strong voice, good confidence, AWFUL song choice. And if you’re gonna do Olivia, why not sing Xanadu? Loopy delirium is always preferable over soapy teen musical schmaltz. Always.
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SINGLE BLOOP
Syesha Mercado – Here’s my problem with actress slash singers: they’re always playing to the camera, never getting lost in the song. Despite being a touch soft, she was really, genuinely good tonight, but I could not ignore her blatant camera slobbering. She was totes distracted trying to look the part of an American Idol. Girl needs to slag off the home viewing audience and just belt. Loved the 70’s head scarf, though. Reminded me a bit of pre-fierceballs crazy Lauren Hill.
Carly Smithson – Much much MUCH better than last week. She had me groovin’ and movin’ up in The 209. And I can only say awesome things about Heart. But did anyone else notice how crazy gross her big note singer face is? A pretty girl at rest, and at smile, but at diva? Yikes. Might be approaching the infamous Reese Witherspoon Cruel Intentions devil face. If she does a June Carter Cash song, or wears pink even once, I’m breaking up with her. On the real!
Ramiele Malubay – Let’s do some math: Crazy good hair + flawless skin * supes oof curves / her humuna humuna hula dance in the video package – sketchy opening * the NAILED IT! Chorus = go screw Carly Smithson, this is the girl to beat.
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NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!
No one this week, cause the girls kinda sucked. And by “kinda”, I mean “completely”.
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Bottom Three: Kady Malloy, Alexandrea Lushington, Asia’h Epperson
My prediction for who gets the axe: Kady Malloy & Alexandrea Lushington
Bangarang!
