Even with a God-sized snot rocked coating his soft vanilla center he still cannot escape his inherent blandness. There may be no hope for him, at all.
I should feel delighted seeing him get humiliated in front of a screaming audience of kids, but I don’t, cause I already saw that happen in a Saturday matinee of Pirates of the Caribbean 3.
I should think “hmm, green’s a nice color on him”, but I don’t, cause green is a great color on everyone. And by “everyone”, I mean “me” (Jolly Green Giant agrees - ho ho ho!).
I should take it as a mark of entertainment justice that he has no movies lined up right now, and his last role was a cameo in a horrid Brittany Murphy DTV debacle where Thai chooses to rock a Madonna accent and bang the comic book artist who can see the future from Heroes (bet he didn’t see THAT career downturn coming) instead of shacking up with the once mighty Legolas. But I don’t, cause I secretly still love Brittany Murphy (I have a soft spot for girls who admit how crazy they are. Holla, Rose McGowan!), and at least it’s a step up from Kirsten Dunst. Batshit crazy beats vampire teeth everyday of the week and twice on Sunday.
I just don’t know what can be done to make Orlando Bloom fun to watch. But dang it if I’m not gonna try and figure it out. This is the year of saying “yes”, and I am saying “yes” to making Orlando Bloom not bland! This is my pledge for America!
Below, please find my first attempt at changing an Orlando Bloom picture into something worth looking at. I hope you find it, and him, interesting.
The combined forces of Bo, Chuck, Darkwing, Baloo, MJ, McClane, the Smiths, Veronica, Taz, the Falcon, the home of the Double Double, and Nachos Grande nearly does the trick! We’re gonna make this boy awesome, yet!
The first episode of Idol that actually felt like a real American Idol episode since Top 4 week of LAST SEASON. Well-produced, expertly paced, recognizable music, solid performances, cute video packages, a minimal amount of Ryan/Simon bitchiness, a maximum of amount of Paula Abdul train wreckiness, and a overall sense of good times. The Idol wannabes seemed relieved to be away from the Beatles fortnight, picking songs they’ve sung a billion times before in their bedrooms (you know Carly has Total Eclipsed it twice a week, every week, for two solid decades). The favorites were great, the Bottom Three was obvious and did I mention Carly Smithson sang Total Eclipse of the Heart? Cause she did. And it was brillz, kids. Brillz!
Apologies to Ryan Seacrest, but THAT was American Idol!
TheJay.com has partnered with IdolElimination.com to bring you a chance to predict the Next American Idol and win a $1 Million Grand Prize. Nestle Crunch, Baby Ruth, Butterfinger and 100 Grand are putting up the scratch to say you can’t. You gonna take that from a bunch of Hudson Hawk bad guy codenames? I didn’t think so! Go pwn the carbs out of those delicious candy bars by heading over to IdolElimination.com and filling out your weekly elimination brackets. Recognize!
As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!
Ramiele Malubay – One of the unspoken rules of American Idol is never perform a song that a previous Idol winner kicked ass on. Carrie Underwood WON her season because of her Heart “Alone” performance. Don’t believe me, peep the video below. That happened. Ramiele was fine; had good tone and control despite her apparent illness. But she is NO Carrie Underwood. Carrie was a singing machine. A vocal terminator. You could blow Ramiele over with a snarky yawn. Girl needs to stand up straight, be emotionless and just sing; stop being there to make friends. Assuming she survives the week, of course, which I doubt she will. Oh, and the high-waisted shorts were utterly horrible and made her look even more elfish than normal. Shakira could have used her as an armrest in those shorts.
Kristy Lee Cook –Really? God Bless America, REALLY? Ugh! I hate that she played this week so brilliantly. Saying it was a great song choice doesn’t mean the judges thought she sang it well, but like Simon says, it was a clever choice. We’re not kicking the country singer off American Idol for singing “God Bless America”, no matter how pitchy she sounded (which was a lot). I personally wanted to deport her to Canada.
Michael Johns – Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. A worse gimmick than KLC slobbin’ America’s knob.
Jason Castro – First off, if you’re going to be a busking stoner doing 1987 Sting on national television and you don’t sing “Englishmen in New York”, dude, I don’t even wanna know you. That’s just wasted airtime. Castro was mumbly, slurry, sloppy on his strings, and seemed rushed throughout. The arrangement was a drag; the chorus was depressing and uninteresting. And he was making some seriously uggo singer faces. Totes distracting. The man NEEDS to cut down on his drug use. He’s less McConaughey now and more Jared Leto at the end of Requiem.
Syesha Mercado – I continue to be both impressed by her control and unimpressed by her utter lack of charisma. I made a vow not to write anything about her until she does something interesting. The vow will not be broken this week.
Brooke White – I’ll give her the mistake in the opener. Even I needed help starting my haftarah portion at my Bar Mitzvah. Notes don’t always come out the way we want in the beginning. But every thing else after that was not good. I’m not sure if she was in a lower register than normal, but I wasn’t a fan. She sounded kinda, I don’t know… mannish? The arrangement was stilted, the band did her no favors and the harmony was non-existent. When you make me miss the Puff Daddy version, you did something wrong. And I was really hoping that Diddy would come out and drop some Biggie love.
Carly Smithson – She’s younger than me? I thought she was 40! I really need to start moisturizing more often. I don’t know what was up Randy Jackson’s ass, calling this a bad song choice. Total Eclipse of the Heart is NEVER a bad song choice. Also, it’s the same time of song she sings EVERY week. And, hello, she rocked the hell out of it. There was dancing, singing and melodramatic arm movements in The 209. We clapped at the end. Un-ironically! I get what Simon was saying about her looking tense, but I feel like that’s more her style of performing. She’s not gonna grab a toke from Castro’s bong before the show, girl’s just a bit stiff. Her voice is fantastic, what does it matter how relaxed she is?
Chikezie – Brian McKnight-y, much? Dug the arrangement; Chikezie was smooth and had a nice sensual groove to his voice. And you know I dig the clothing style. I wasn’t blown away by the vocal or the performance, but he continues to be a stand out on what is quickly being revealed to be a sub-par season.
David Archuleta – What was going on up there? I mean, I loved it, but what the hell was happening? He sounded great; the runs were practically Archuleta-esque, he seemed to be having a ton of fun (loved the arm waggling), but seriously… what was that? If anyone else in the competition sang that song they’d get kicked off immediately just for confusing us. Archuleta gets a pass, though. I couldn’t believe it when I found out it was a John Farnham song. John Farnham! Composer of the Rad Soundtrack! I would pay my entire week’s salary – not an unimpressive sum, let me tell you – to hear David sing “Thunder in your Heart”.
David Cook – Randy Jackson needs to go eat some more pie, cause he’s useless with the judging. Cook is great, don’t get me wrong, but he is NOT the boldest contestant the show has ever seen. That would be Taylor Hicks (for thinking we’d buy him as 29, and for pulling it off). He’s not the most original contestant in Idol History. That would be Blake Lewis. Good God, it wasn’t even his arrangement! He just aped Chris Cornell. Hell, he basically imitated Chris Cornell. Nothing about this performance was original. Blake Lewis would have turned that, flipped it and reversed it and Paula would have broken her neck loving it so much. David is smart to pick recognizable songs, sing them like we remember them, and be good at doing it, but I refuse to buy the hype until I see him do ANYTHING that Daughtry, Blake and Bo Bice didn’t do before him.
Looking pretty in Hollywood isn’t hard to do. Every celebrity does the same things: eat right, exercise often, get their hair done by professionals, use make-up that matches, highlights and improves their skin, kill babies and suck their blood. It’s standard stuff. But STAYING pretty in Hollywood? Not an easy task. Some celebrities will do almost anything to maintain their looks.
On The Late Show with David Letterman the other day, Demi Moore revealed that she uses leeches as a beauty regimen. She claims it’s the secret to looking glamorous at 61 45. I claim someone’s been watching Speed 2: Cruise Control a bit too much on TNT (Seriously Demi, Willem Dafoe is no one’s beauty maven). I guess she feels that in addition to rampant facial reconstruction, weekly botox injections, massive plastic surgery across her body and sucking the lifeblood out of a twenty year old himbo actor, she must let leeches suck her blood to stay beautiful.
And who I am to say she’s wrong?
In light of Demi’s recent health revelation, many stars have come out of the woodwork to reveal their personal beauty regimens. And for some, it’s not pretty. Take a look…
Renee Zellweger: Has a heavyweight boxer break up her face each and every day to ensure maximum scrunchiness.
Matthew McConaughey: Doesn’t need to do anything, cause he’s L-I-V-I-N! (Though the weed and the sports and the banging models helps, too.)
Lindsay Lohan: Each week, buys 100 packs of Crayola markers, then throws them all out but the orange ones. Using all 100 markers at once, she colors her tan in. You know, just to get a base.
President Clinton: Six words - “The royal penis is clean, sire.”
Ryan Seacrest: Before every Tuesday edition of American Idol, takes the Concorde to Tibet, scales the tallest mountain, sneaks into a hidden room of a monastery and gives a glory hole beej to the Dalai Lama. Claims it gives him that “just gayed by a spiritual deity” feeling that helps him devise the clever bon mots he uses against Simon Cowell.
Simon Cowell: Is secretly the guy glory holing Ryan Seacrest. Claims it gives him that “just secretly ram-gayed a network TV gameshow host” feeling he uses to look so smug in that judges chair.
Ryan Reynolds: Drinks a can of Powerthirst every morning to keep up his ridonkulous physique. His flavor of choice: RAWBERRY. It gives him gratuitous amounts of energy (ENERGY!). Don’t know what Powerthirst is? Peep the video:
Side note: Ryan Reynolds actually has 400 babies. They’re currently undergoing marathon training in Kenya. In the year 2019, Ryan Reynolds’ children will take places 1-400 in every marathon on the planet. And they will all be snarky.
Reese Witherspoon: Does nothing. Being the spawn of Satan has its perks. Just what I heard…
Prince: Hustles unsuspecting D-list celebrities in pick-up basketball games. Afterwards, he cooks them pancakes. Game, blouses!
Hilary Swank: Men don’t need a beauty regimen, they’re fine just the way they are.
Jessica Biel: To maintain her perfectly over-sized posterior, she literally keeps junk in her trunk. Nothing big, just, you know, some crackers, a game of jacks, her 3rd place Archery ribbon from summer camp, Scattegories, lip balm, some old Nintendo cartridges (if you’re lucky, she’ll let you blow on them), stuff like that.
Kristen Bell: In order to remain extraordinarily cute, buys a new golden retriever puppy every 3 months just to rub it on her face before bed. The puppies are single use and she donates them to poor children once they’ve properly cutified her face. Sadly, the puppies are 72% less cute when she’s done with them, but don’t worry, they’re still good enough for poor kids.
Mario Lopez: You know those pills that Jesse was taking on the very special episode of Saved By The Bell? The ones that made her so excited, so excited, so… scared? Mario takes them to make his abs feel so excited, so excited, so… crunchy!
Megan Fox: Who knows, but whatever she’s doing, it’s working.
Ashton Kutcher: He’s Demi’s real leech! As Demi gets older, he gets younger. It’s the perfect crime! MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA! /twirls lame hipster beard
As predicted by me, Britney slam dunked her extended cameo on the alarmingly rapid decline of funny known as “How I Met Your Mother”. She was poised, professional and cleaned-up to the point of 1998 hotness. Every goal for the gimmick came through. The show got big ratings and was legit funny for the first time all season. Britney proved that she can be still for five minutes and speak in coherent sentences. She also proved she can look pretty and down to earth, albeit with a little make-up and favorable stage lighting. She proved that gay guys still love her (NPH was practically drooling.), and she reminded us all of something vitally important about the machine that is Britney Spears: she’s a talented performer!
When she picked up the phone to announce that “Magnum” was there to see the doctor, then silently admonished herself for a such a cheesy move? Brilliant. Michael Cera wishes he could pull off that master class in awkwardness. And if you don’t think I’m about to use “That’sfunnysmartandgreat!” about fifty times over my next twenty posts, well then you don’t know The Jay very well.
Besides learning that I have prediction skills that would make Nostradamus legally change his name to Nostradamthejayisgood, cause I am that good (also, burn!), here’s what else we learned from last night’s Britney-infused How I Met Your Mother:
Sarah Chalke needs to dropkick Zach Braff in the face and get her own show with a quickness. She seamlessly picked up the HIMYM rapid fire dialogue, never once made me think I was watching Elliot Reed, and looked totes fetch in the process (yes, I’m making it happen. BMA, Regina George.)
Fun bonus story about Sarah Chalke: I did extra work on the Scrubs set a handful of times and always found Second Becky to be charming, cute and coordinated. Apparently, this is a unique observation. My fellow blogger Audiebird relayed to me a story about spotting Chalke (my new euphemism for masturbation, btdub) coming out of a restaurant. Her words: “Cute face, but the body was disgusting. She walked like her vagina was being pulled by strings. Love her, though.” Um, gross?
2. Alyson Hannigan saying five retarded lines about biting her nails is what Anthony Keidis would liken to beating up Keanu Reeves in Point Break: “That would be a waste of time.” Can someone please rescue her from CBS and start casting her in movies? Who wouldn’t go see a Alyson Hannigan/Amy Adams redheaded romcom about two sisters looking for love amidst wacky hijinks and pale skin jokes (Ellen Pompeo can play their shrewish, squinty Aunt)? Maxim Magazine’s head just exploded at the thought of putting them on the cover together.
Also, if Cobie Smulders doesn’t start getting more to do than make bad jokes and wait for the next Robin Sparkles episode, I may demote the show from “Save Until Delete” status to “Keep As Needed”. Why doesn’t she have a parallel finding love story with Ted? She already has the best online dating profile ever. Laser tag, cigars and former Canadian pop star? Um, yes please! I’m starting to get the feeling HIMYM hates women. Just putting it out there.
3. The two minute date idea is adorable, but could never happen in real life, and isn’t even physically possible in Los Angeles. There are no taxi’s at the ready, the restaurant would make you wait 15 minutes even with a reservation, you’d have to watch the movie at a Best Buy (which takes an hour just to get out of), and most of all, waiting outside someone’s workplace is creepy. That kind of move gets you lawyered out here. Or, depending on the fame level of the person you’re waiting for, an exclusive interview with TMZ.
Also, Ted violated two huge guy dating rules: 1. Never spend more than $40 on a first date, and 2. Don’t date single mothers when you don’t want a kid in your life. The whole affair was doomed from the beginning. I guess if you’re gonna go down in flames, Sarah Chalke is a nice Zeppelin to crash, but still. Barney was right, after the fifth “no” it’s bang the receptionist time. Dem’s the rules.
4. If I ever grow a mustache I won’t look like a child molester (or a 70’s porn star), but instead, like Magnum P.I., only “a million times more handsome”. And dowdy receptionists who are secretly disgraced pop stars making a righteous TV comeback will want me. Of course, the real reason I’d grow a mustache is so I could speak Italian.
5 - Finally, this has nothing to do with HIMYM, so much as it does Jason Segel’s upcoming movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I was driving around The Valley with my younger brother this weekend and we passed one of those bus stop ads that said: “You SUCK Sarah Marshall”. I smiled, because it’s a great ad, but my brother started visibly shaking. I asked what was wrong and this was our ensuing conversation:
Lil Bro: That stupid billboard, I hate it! It’s so douche-y.
The Jay: What are you talking about? They’re hilarious.
Lil Bro: You think it’s hilarious to go around town putting up nasty billboards about your ex-girlfriend?
The Jay: Um… what?
Lil Bro: Yeah, some guy broke up with this actress and is now putting up billboards all over LA with nasty shit written on them.
The Jay: It’s a movie.
Lil Bro: What’s a movie?
The Jay: Those ads? They’re for a movie. With Jason Segel and Veronica Mars? It’s called Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Comes out in a few weeks. No? Anybody? Bueller? It’s just a marketing gimmick.
My power is more powerful than your power.
My funny is funnier.
I’m Scrunchy Von Scrunch Scrunch
My whoa is better than your whoa.
L-I-V-I-N!
My manly is more manly than your manly.
My talent is funnsmartandgreat.
I’m already my prepping my next reality show.
My TV show is more confusing.
I’m hotter.
I’m more annoying.
Your Oscar speech isn’t very good.
My batshit crazy is crazier than your batshit crazy.
Your cleavage owes my cleavage $20 bucks.
My jiggy smells like baby wipes.
My better.
My better.
Is better than your better.
My better is better than your better.
Thank you very much for coming.
TRIPLE BLOOP
Ramiele Malubay – One of the unspoken rules of American Idol is never perform a song that a previous Idol winner kicked ass on. Carrie Underwood WON her season because of her Heart “Alone” performance. Don’t believe me, peep the video below. That happened. Ramiele was fine; had good tone and control despite her apparent illness. But she is NO Carrie Underwood. Carrie was a singing machine. A vocal terminator. You could blow Ramiele over with a snarky yawn. Girl needs to stand up straight, be emotionless and just sing; stop being there to make friends. Assuming she survives the week, of course, which I doubt she will. Oh, and the high-waisted shorts were utterly horrible and made her look even more elfish than normal. Shakira could have used her as an armrest in those shorts.
DOUBLE BLOOP
Michael Johns – Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. A worse gimmick than KLC slobbin’ America’s knob.
SINGLE BLOOP
Carly Smithson – She’s younger than me? I thought she was 40! I really need to start moisturizing more often. I don’t know what was up Randy Jackson’s ass, calling this a bad song choice. Total Eclipse of the Heart is NEVER a bad song choice. Also, it’s the same time of song she sings EVERY week. And, hello, she rocked the hell out of it. There was dancing, singing and melodramatic arm movements in The 209. We clapped at the end. Un-ironically! I get what Simon was saying about her looking tense, but I feel like that’s more her style of performing. She’s not gonna grab a toke from Castro’s bong before the show, girl’s just a bit stiff. Her voice is fantastic, what does it matter how relaxed she is?
Looking pretty in Hollywood isn’t hard to do. Every celebrity does the same things: eat right, exercise often, get their hair done by professionals, use make-up that matches, highlights and improves their skin, kill babies and suck their blood. It’s standard stuff. But STAYING pretty in Hollywood? Not an easy task. Some celebrities will do almost anything to maintain their looks.
Lindsay Lohan: Each week, buys 100 packs of Crayola markers, then throws them all out but the orange ones. Using all 100 markers at once, she colors her tan in. You know, just to get a base.
Jessica Biel: To maintain her perfectly over-sized posterior, she literally keeps junk in her trunk. Nothing big, just, you know, some crackers, a game of jacks, her 3rd place Archery ribbon from summer camp, Scattegories, lip balm, some old Nintendo cartridges (if you’re lucky, she’ll let you blow on them), stuff like that.
As predicted by me, Britney slam dunked her extended cameo on the alarmingly rapid decline of funny known as “How I Met Your Mother”. She was poised, professional and cleaned-up to the point of 1998 hotness. Every goal for the gimmick came through. The show got big ratings and was legit funny for the first time all season. Britney proved that she can be still for five minutes and speak in coherent sentences. She also proved she can look pretty and down to earth, albeit with a little make-up and favorable stage lighting. She proved that gay guys still love her (NPH was practically drooling.), and she reminded us all of something vitally important about the machine that is Britney Spears: she’s a talented performer!
