I finally figured out why the Girls are so much harder to sit through than the Guys: they’re not nearly as creative. They play the competition to safe. On 80’s Night, with so many crazy awesome songs to choose from (Madonna to The Bangles to Tiffany and on and on), how come there were still four turn the volume down ballads? Where was the invention? Brooke White turning Pat Benatar into a little precious kitten was a travesty, but at least it was a risk! I wanted to see that the Girls could be interesting as musicians or artists.
I don’t care that they have big voices. There are kajillion big voices in the marketplace. Big is boring. Let me put it another way: if Fergie were on the show, would she have sung a safe Celine Dion song tonight, or we she have turned The Go Go’s “Vacation” into a ass-bumpin, beat-thumping club drop that can turn gay men to goo by the second measure and inexplicably attract top shelve TV actors with her lady lumps and broked-out mug? On the other hand, she would probably give poor, defenseless David Archuleta a venereal disease just by looking at him. My point, kids is this: the girls take no chances. They’re not playing to win, they’re playing not to lose. Which is death in the Top 12. More to the point, Blake Lewis wouldn’t let any of these predictable girls blow him. On the real.
As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!
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TRIPLE BLOOP
Brooke White – Look, I’m willing to let David Cook do an emo version of “Hello”, cause he brought something new to a table that wasn’t so amazing. I’ll sit through Jason Castro Jack Johnson-ing a beautiful Jeff Buckley song because he’s got such a pretty voice. But I will not tolerate Brooke White PG-ing up Pat Benatar. “Love is a Battlefield” is a call to arms, a fucking war cry; it was not meant to be performed slowly at the end of the stage with your sincere face bumped to 11. It was meant to be loud, angry and with as much non-ironic cheesy arm-shaking as humanly possible. I don’t even care that she sang the song well, that was a Berkeley shiksa feminista ovary slobber on a big brashy, monkeyballs rock anthem and I am offended for the entire decade of the 80’s. Go drink some milk, Brooke!
Syesha Mercado – Lame phrasing, mediocre big notes, bland as Orlando Bloom is vanilla, the textbook definition of “forgettable”. I have never seen a judging go that quick. And why was that, you ask? Because there’s nothing to say about something so blah. I can’t even find a catchy enough adjective to properly describe the “whatever” her performance engendered in me. It was just so… whatever. Like a Laura Linney movie. Even Luke Menard was like: “that was pretty boring”. P.S., a round of goods is not exactly glowing praise. Do I smell an upset boot?
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DOUBLE BLOOP
Kady Malloy – If you almost went home last week and needed to completely NAIL your performance this week to even have a chance at the Top 12, why would you choose a song no one knows and sing it in a depressing, boring way? Why not go balls out crazy and sing something people love, so that even if you suck people will forgive you? If Kady had sung Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin”, wouldn’t she be a mortal lock to say? Wouldn’t Randy have anointed her the Queen Bitch of the Dawg Pound? That’s all I’m sayin! Girl can sing, she proved that tonight, but I need more pizzazz and charisma. Or at the very least, some violently awesome cleavage. She’s like the hot girl in the corner of the party that no one wants to talk to, not because she’s so intimidating, but because she’s a total drip.
Amanda Overmyer – Hearing Rogue sing the Monday Night Football song is so confusing. Where was Al Michaels? Why did the fugly biker chick steal Faith Hill’s spotlight? Did that make ANYBODY ready for some football? She definitely reminds me of a linebacker, but I don’t know… if we’re not getting some serious football action after listening to that bullshit, I say it’s better not to remind the men watching the show that kickoff is still six months away. Look, the song itself gets me going, and it was a great choice for her, no doubt, but has she shown us anything but the thin one-note rocker grrl that assaulted us in the Audition round? David Archuleta has healed the nation since we met him. Carly Smithson literally rose from the ashes like a Phoenix. Hell, David Hernandez got naked for some gayboys! What has Amanda done beyond dressing up like a X-Men B-teamer and make us long for Gina Glocksen?
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SINGLE BLOOP
Ramiele Malubay – Here’s what I like about Ramiele, aside from, you know, everything: where other girls put on a front, trying to act tough, Ramiele actually brings legit emotion. Girl has a wicked fierce face. When she stares down Camera 1, it’s like: “Look at my face? You see this fucking face? I am kicking your ass with this face and you are liking it. Thus is the extent of my rockingness. Now enjoy my tone, dream of my glossy lips and show me some respect, bendejo!” I would not want to cross paths with Ramiele if we were at a Karaoke bar, let me tell you. She’d be liable to bust some Tina Turner “Private Dancer” and then eyefuck me till I’m dead. Not that that would necessarily be a bad way to go. Thunderdome, bitches!
Asia’h Epperson – I’m OK with her doing 80’s era-Whitney cause Asia’h has the same timbre as pre-Bobby Whit. Also, “I Wanna Dance With Somebody: isn’t exactly grail music. It’s not like she sang, “I’m Every Woman”. And at least her voice didn’t drop out on her like last week. She’s done enough to make the Top 12 but I’m seeing fewer things I can like about her in the long-term. She’s definitely the Paula Abdul of her group, though; great hair, questionable fashion sense, all sweet and sunshine and unicorn babies and perfectly perfect in her Asia’h way, but doesn’t have a chance in Reese Witherspoon’s hell that anyone’s going choose to listen to her over the Simon’s of this competition (Cook, Arch and Johns).
Kristy Lee Cook – So that’s what Steve Perry would look like if he was a twangy Country girl who makes weird eye faces and plants her feet like she’s gonna drop a brick deuce on stage. Huh. I guess I always pictured him as a wispy black woman that pwns the air keyboard in a piano key halter top. Awkward pop singer transgender reassignment aside, Kristy did kind of kick that song’s ass. I agree with Simon that she’s forgettable, but she did enough with Journey to give the five fingers to Kady, so assuming America is done kidding around with Rogue, she has a real shot at the Top 12.
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NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!
Carly Smithson – Good god, I think it moved. That face, with the makeup, giving me the Adult feelings in my bathing-suit area? Giggity! And she rocked the eff out of that song and looked crazy hot in the high-waisted pants? Girl brought it down tonight. She was like Oldman in the Professional: I’m gonna rock everyone tonight. Everyone, sir? EEEEVVVERRYYONNNEE!
Btdub, I would definitely listen to her sing the phonebook. Carly could make Shakespeare with the “O” names.
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My Top 6 Girls (in order): Ramiele Malubay, Carly Smithson, Asia’h Epperson, Brooke White, Amanda Overmyer, Kristy Lee Cook
My prediction for who gets the axe: Kady Malloy & Syesha Mercado
Bangarang!
