Billy Crystal LaLoosh, a hard-joke throwing, wildly unfunny over the hill comedian with script choosing deficiences signs a ludicrous one-day contract with a Yankees minor league affiliate. Hank Steinbrenner, sensing “Throw Red Sox From the Train” potential, trades for Crash Davis, an aging star at the end of a long, sorta illustrious career (Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves was kinda tight, Mr. Brooks… not so much), to mentor Crystal and get him ready for the show.

These are the lessons Crash imparted onto Billy about playing and acting in the Church of Funnyball…

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Crash Davis: Relax, all right? Don’t try to make everybody laugh. Jokes are boring! Besides that, they’re fascist. Throw some dramedy - like a Tenenbaum movie, it’s more democratic.

Billy Crystal LaLoosh: [to himself] What’s this guy know about comedy? If he’s so good how come he hasn’t been in a hit movie for the last ten years? If he’s so good how come the Oscars want me to host every year instead of him?

Crash Davis: Oh, hey, and another thing, Meat. You don’t know shit, all right? If you wanna make it to the bigs, you’ll listen to me. The Oscars only want you cause Steve Martin keeps turning them down and Chris Rock is too black for Kansas, got it? So relax! Let’s have some fun out here! This comedy game’s fun, OK? Fun goddamnit. And don’t hold your useless Cable Ace Award so hard, OK? It’s an egg. Hold it like an egg.

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Crash Davis: It’s time to work on your interviews.

Billy Crystal LaLoosh: My interviews? What do I gotta do?

Crash Davis: You’re gonna have to learn your clichés. You’re gonna have to study them, you’re gonna have to know them. They’re your friends. Write this down: “We gotta shoot one scene at a time.”

Billy Crystal LaLoosh: [writing] Got to shoot one scene at a time… it’s pretty superficial.

Crash Davis: Course it’s superficial, it’s an interview with Access Hollywood, that’s the point. Write it down.

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Billy Crystal LaLoosh: How come you don’t like me?

Crash Davis: Because you don’t respect yourself, which is your problem. But you don’t respect the entertainment industry, and that’s my problem. Forget Paris totally sucked, guy. But you got a gift.

Billy Crystal LaLoosh: I got a what?

Crash Davis: You got a gift. When you were a baby, the Gods reached down and turned your humor bone into a thunderbolt. “You look marvelous” was legendary stuff. You got Hall-of-Fame funny, but you’re pissing it away.

Billy Crystal LaLoosh: I ain’t pissing nothing away. I got an Emmy already; a City Slickers franchise and a standing voiceover deal with Pixar.

Crash Davis: Christ, you don’t need a standing voiceover deal with Pixar! What you need is a smart romantic comedy like you used to do! In the show, everyone can get a hit with Pixar.

Billy Crystal LaLoosh: Well, how would you know? YOU been in the Box Office Top Ten?

Crash Davis: Yeah, I’ve been in the Box Office Top Ten. A little thing I like to call Tin Cup, bitch! Recognize.

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/Crash calls for a cult classic fantasy film, Billy shakes off the movie pitch twice.

Crash Davis: Hey! HEY! Why are you shaking me off?

Billy Crystal LaLoosh: I want to give them the humor and announce my comedy with authority!

Crash Davis: Announce your fucking comedy with authority? These audiences are fantasy movie fans, who like fantasy movies where guys storm the castle!

Billy Crystal LaLoosh: Well they haven’t seen my humor!

Crash Davis: And by “haven’t seen my humor”, you mean “Father’s Day”, yes? Alright meat, show them your humor.

/Crash walks back to the box office.

Crash Davis: [to the audience] Guys, here comes a bad mob comedy sequel, right down the center. And when you speak of my sports movies, speak well. (Is this heaven? No, it’s Field of Dreams… one tear.)

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/Billy has finally made it to the show. He sits down with Pat O’Brien to talk about his career.

Billy Crystal LaLoosh: A good friend of mine used to say, “This is a very simple game. You throw the joke, you catch the joke, you hit the joke. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes you make My Giant.” Think about that for a while.

Bangarang!