Here we go… Top 12. Two and a half months to convince the world you are the pimp mack daddy of Reality Talent Shows. That you are opening credits material. That you can stand toe to toe with Kelly and Carrie. That you are a closer.

Gotta fight those bloops and blow it down every week. No excuses will be allowed. You gotta do one thing and one thing only: Bring It On.

Simon is dropping “That. Was. Awful.” critique bombs and you gotta sing for your life to stay out of the Bottom Three?

Bring It On.

It’s U2 Week, Archuleta picked “One” and the producers shafted you with “Staring at the Sun” from the crappy Pop album? Suck it up and put the bug-eye shades on, cause you got a job to do…

Bring It On.

You got the flu, Ryan is rubbing your shoulders a bit too much, you haven’t slept since Hollywood Week, and you’re singing “I Have Nothing” on Whitney Night in front of Whitney, with Randy shooting fierceballs eye-daggers at you, what do we say?

Bring It On.

Also, while we’re on the subject, these aren’t spirit fingers, THESE are spirit fingers. And THESE… are goooold!

(Oh, and can we talk about the poetic wondermint of the picture at the top of the post? The Top 12, arms reached out in triumph, with poor, hateable Danny Noriega staring forlornly on the TV behind them. Now THAT is goooood!)

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

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TRIPLE BLOOP

Syesha Mercado – Boring. I’m not saying anything else about her until she bothers to be interesting.

David Hernandez – Hey hey hey, horny men of the Idol Gold Club, we got David H. cumming to the stage! Getcho dollars ready, gents! He’s working the pole on a rock tip! And he can work the tip of your rock hard pole for just forty bucks a dance! Danny Noriega to Stage 2, Noriega, Stage 2! See David peel off the vest, loosen his tie and be completely cruise-shippy with a classic Beatles song. That doin’ it for you, my little gay mouthbreathers? No touching, unless you pay for it! This means you, Seacrest.

Kristy Lee Cook – Wow, way to be the only Idol that looked like balls tonight, Kristy. Were those ripped jeans more comfortable for you to butcher a Beatles song and drop a deuce on the stage, in? What gay stylist did you offend to get put in that disgusting shimmery top? If you make it to next week, and it’s doubtful, I’d suggest snapping off a judge or three to get you a better look. Also, just a suggestion, learn to sing better. Carrie Underwood would take a Louisville Slugger to both your headlights, fronting Country Music so poorly like that.

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DOUBLE BLOOP

Ramiele Malubay – Ramiele is officially off the rails. Like, Lost Season Two off the rails. Why is she not blowing the lights out with her huge voice? She has DEEP skills that she hasn’t even begun to tap into. Paula was right; Ramiele is playing it safe, every week. Her face and tone will keep her in the competition for a few more weeks, but there’s no more Kady Malloy’s and Jason Yeager’s to be chuff that keeps her afloat.

Amanda Overmyer – Did Rogue have a seizure on stage? Cause that opener was a dead ringer for a scary Grand Mal. Nothing after it was any better, either. The Beetlejuice pants, especially, were not doing her any favors. The face is getting better, though it’s by feet, not miles. A loud, yappy, scattered performance for the X-woman. I wasn’t a fan, and neither it seems, were the producers, giving her a song she’s never heard of. Wouldn’t Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club have been the spot-on song choice?

Michael Johns – I have L-O-V-E for this song, so I was damn upset when flat-notes Johns got the call. He aped Rufus Wainwright just like I thought his unoriginal, bad karaoke-ass would, and was terrible doing it, also as expected. So many great artists have covered this song, from Rufus to Fiona Apple (my persona fav cover, and a brilliant music video done by then bf PTA. YouTube that shit with a fierceness, you’ll see.)… Michael did NOTHING to stake his claim as an artist worthy enough to front it. He did nothing interesting with the arrangement, stuck himself knee deep in his bland “eyes shut, arms up” male solo act bullshit. And guess what? Never once took his voice to another level. Why’s that? Oh yeah, right, CAUSE HE DOESN’T HAVE ONE!!! Aussie is putting a mad act on our crowds; I hope they can suss him out before he takes a spot from someone who deserves it.

David Archuleta – Um… uh oh. Alright look, he’s gonna get a mulligan on this one, and I’m sure he’ll crush it hard next week, so this isn’t a Defcon 1 situation. BUT… he revealed a BIG chink in his tween armor. This is a Rocky cutting Drago cut (and it’s a big cut!). His nerves are bad and may ruin him. His voice was failing – notice the stomach holding, a surefire sign for diaphragm problems - and he forgot his words like an amateur (that got Brandon Rogers shockingly kicked off in Week One last season… warrants mentioning). Also, his youth is a disservice, as he’s missing the music education the older contestants have in spades. Admitting to not liking/ knowing the Beatles? If Overmyer had said that she’d have been run out of the shiny new auditorium. And I’m worried about his performing range. Boy can sing anything, but we’ve never really seen him be funky until now, and he botched it. That “Shop Around” business a few weeks back was musical theatre and he’s the Dick Van Dyke of that shit, but doing Stevie? Getting his funk soul brother on? I’m not sure he can pull it off. I’ll put it this way, to use a basketball analogy, if the American Idol playoffs started today, Archuleta would be an underdog 8 seed that has to go on the road. Incidentally, David Cook would be the surging Lakers, Carly Smithson would be the resilient Spurs and Brooke White would be the plodding Suns. And fuck the Suns!

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SINGLE BLOOP

Carly Smithson – A little screechy in parts, and I’m definitely not partial to her “big note face”, but I did like watching her slink across the stage like a viper talking its time before choking out a mouse. You could sense how much she enjoyed singing the song, and her familiarity with the music helped her tremendously. All in all a fine performance, interesting arrangement, and a solid vocal. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that “Come Together” is one of my all time favorite Beatles songs, not least of which because it was the backdrop to the “getting the gang back together” montage from Armageddon. So while Carly was doing her thing I kept picturing Michael Clarke Duncan jamming down a highway, evading the cops and Buscemi perving down on a Russian hooker, while Maichael Bay does 360’s with the camera. Always good times. The United States Government just asked us to be the next American Idol. Anyone wanna say no?

Jason Castro – Same performance, tone-wise, as Ramiele, but light years different energy level. While Ramiele looks like she wants to cry, Jason looks like he just ripped a fat Sativa bud and wants to lick everyone’s face. Jason is committed to his sappy, slow thing, and I can appreciate that. He’s not fronting, trying to be a singer that he’s not, Blake-ing it up and clowning around; instead he’s showing some courage, drawing a line in the sand and saying “I’ll be here on this chair, plucking my guitar, if you wanna sit around and jam, cool, if not, no worries, bud. Speaking of, anyone holding?”

David Cook – First off, I would punch a blind war veteran to get my hands on his jacket. I covet his threads. Now, less metro-y, if you squinted, you could easily see Daughtry up there, bangin’ out Eleanor Rigby. I love me some Daughtry, so on the face of it I’m OK, but I’d rather see David establish his own identity, then coast on the rep of the surly bald guy from Season 5 (who didn’t win, mind you). Simon is right, talent-alone, Cook stands right at the top, but he needs to find his vocal groove every week, like he did with “Hello” for him to have a chance of toppling Archuleta and Carly. Also, cutting his ugly fucking hair might help. He’s one buzz fade from sure-fire platinum status.

Brooke White – Of fucking course Brooke White chose “Let It Be”! Cause it’s not like she’d shuck convention and sing “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” and be cracked out and interesting. No, it’s the tinkly piano, schmaltzy bullshit. Gah! The song is so perfect for her that it drives me up the wall. It’s such a lay-up and she gets rewarded for it. So unfair. Chikezie had to go to batshit insane just to save his ass for a week and Brooke gets to click some Ivory and karaoke an iconic Beatles folk singer track. Luh-aim. I’ve never encountered an Idol I wanted to simultaneously slap and plow so intensely.

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NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!

Chikezie – I’ll call this right off the bat: Chikezie is the sleeper of this season. Did you see him throw DOWN tonight? That, the Archuleta “Imagine” perf and the David Cook “Hello” are, for my money, the best performances of the season. I loved him starting on the floor with the band, kicking in on-the-porch style, just like Kat McPhee when she blew up Black Horse, Cherry Tree back in Season 5. I loved him skating across the floor (though watch the Cuba Gooding Jr. at the Oscars vibe), doin the stylin’ stuttering thing and rocking the big notes without seeming out of breath. That was the most pure, PG fun I’ve had watching Idol since Bo Bice.

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The Bottom Three: David Hernandez, Kristy Lee Cook, Ramiele Malubay

My prediction for who gets the axe: David Hernandez

Bangarang!