International screen hottie and budding hack musician, Scarlet Johansson, recently put a date with herself up for auction on eBay. The sham affair is an effort to raise money for the OxFam charity. Some pathetic Britboy actually dropped $40,000 to win the auction. That gigantic sum of money earns him the right to spend 20 minutes (less time than a sitcom!) with ScarJo at the red carpet premiere of her upcoming romcom “He’s Just Not That Into You”.
Wondering just what $40k for 20 minutes with a pretty Hollywood actress gets you these days? Read on to find out…
Minute 1: You’re at the premiere of ScarJo’s new movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” and you’re pitting up with excitement in your linty, off the rack tux; you’re about to meet the blonde chick with the big boobs and hot lips from that weepy indie movie you saw that one time because someone told you she shows her ass during the opening credits, and the ass was there as promised and it was fairly nice and easily the best thing about the movie, and you kept that in your head for years, secretly returning there in your happy place when no one was watching, and it slowly overtook you to the point where you voluntarily went to that magic movie she did with Wolverine on the off chance she showed some side boob action during her one-piece bathing suit scene, but she didn’t and the movie was really fucking bad but you forgave her cause in that other movie where she got dead in Britain she looked too fine, and you still worshipped the ass until last year when you heard it was a stunt butt and you were devastated, and then after subsequently snapping out of the years-long reverie you realized she hasn’t been in anything fun to watch beyond The Perfect Score, and that’s only as a goof. And it only cost $40,000 to live that dream.
Minute 2: She’s running late. Smell ya later, $4,000!
Minute 3: There she is, in all her glory. And by “glory”, I mean a frumpy, non-form fitting dress that highlights NOTHING, literally none of her fun bits, because you are a plebe and she’s not an idiot and you didn’t even crack $50k. But she shakes your hand (it’s a pullback shake, where you only get the fingers and half the palm… bitch), and smiles at you and you turn to mush, cause she is a celebrity and you are an idiot.
Minute 4: Awkward silence. Make that money count, boy!
Minute 5: You ask her how her day went. You make a mental note to beat your penis to death later for your lameness. She responds: “Um, nothing. I didn’t do much.” She subtly checks her watch. You have the vague feeling that she isn’t as charming as you’d hoped.
Minute 6: She thanks you for paying so much to meet her, and for giving it all to charity. You believe this is an invite to brazenly eye-fuck her rack. She raises her eyebrows at you, and four huge black guys are immediately five feet away from you and are hungry.
Minute 7: You – “So what’s it like being an actress?” ScarJo – “It’s great. I work with a lot of cool people. It’s fun.” You – “… so what was up with The Island? Boy, was that a pile of shit.” ScarJo – “So what was up with you paying forty grand to meet me? Boy, does that make you creepy.” You – “Riiiight.”
Minute 8: Awkward silence.
Minute 9: You ask her about the short film she’s making. Out of nowhere, a beret and sunglasses magically appear on her head and she begins a lengthy explanation of her composition and mise-en-scene. You become acutely aware of how disappointing you found her to be in The Prestige.
Minute 10: You know, in person, the ScarJo body is not so tight, huh? A bit stocky, right? That’s a $20,000 revelation you just had there, big guy. Next time bid on a latte date with Carla Gugino. It’ll be $35k cheaper and she’ll totally dish on making out with Lucy Liu in that low-rent vampire flick she made last year.
Minute 11: Does she just really need to cough, or does her voice actually sound like that?
Minute 12: You ask her what type of music she listens to. She name checks working with The Jesus and Mary Chain. You have no idea who she is talking about. Why didn’t she say Justin? He’s so dreamy!
Minute 13: Oh my god, there’s Ben Affleck!!! You beg ScarJo to introduce you. She can’t believe you’d rather shake the hand of the star of Gigli than have an awkward conversation with the child star of The Horse Whisperer. But c’mon, that’s a no brainer.
Minute 14: You tell Affleck he was the bomb in Phantoms (yo!). It was literally the best moment of your life. You start wondering why you couldn’t have paid $40 grand to have a beer with the Fleck. Maybe J-Garns would have dropped by and you could have taken a cell phone pic with baby Violet. What a missed opportunity…
Minute 15: ScarJo looks annoyed. You could give a shit.
Minute 16: Kinda bored and thus feeling reckless, you ask about the business with Tom Cruise. She demurs talking about it. Your response: “C’mon! … for charity?”
Minute 17: She tells a completely astonishing tale about her near abduction into the cult of Scientology, her narrow escape from their compound, personality tests flying by her like Indy avoiding the cave spears in the opening of Raiders, and her race to hide from the chasing horde. You are riveted. Tom Cruise is the best.
Minute 18: One more eye-fuck, for good measure. Now you can feel the breath of her bodyguards. They had lemon chicken for lunch.
Minute 19: Awkward silence. Both of you hoping this charade just ends.
Minute 20: She thanks you one more time for being so generous. You put out your hand for one more limp-wristed shake but she gives you a cute smile and pulls you in for a hug. It goes on for maybe 1.5 seconds longer than necessary and at the last moment she gives you an extra tight chest squeeze. The rack feels like overripe lemons being Jamba Juice’d into your torso. It’s uncomfortable, but you’ll still feverishly masturbate to the memory of it for the next decade. She walks away and you follow her ass as she goes. It’s not bad, but it’s no Lost In Translation stunt butt.
Consensus: Twenty minutes of awkward silences, stilted conversation and the briefest of hugs for forty thousand American dollars?
Totes worth it.
(He got to meet Affleck. Recognize!)
Bangarang!
