Too much of a good thing can be bad. Ain’t that the truth. Let’s make it a rule never to do sequels to American Idol theme nights. Last night was the Under Siege 2: Dark Territory of theme night sequels. All the contestants look fifty pounds heavier, the one-liners are stale as expired cereal and the all-star cast got replaced by a collection of amateur talent show winners. Just a horrid, disconnected, boring performance night. I blame Gary Busey.

At least David Archuleta got off the schnide.

I have nothing more to add about the night as a whole, because it’s not worth my bandwidth, but before we jump to the blooping, let me introduce the official new sponsor of this weekly post series:

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

TRIPLE BLOOP

Kristy Lee Cook – Did she deuce on a wardrobe person? Did she slap Ryan Seacrest in the face (the only true mortal sin you can commit in Hollywood). Seriously, what did she do to deserve that hideous dress? It’s uglier than ugg boots. It’s like whoa! And combining the dress with the awful facial ticks and the horrible phrasing and the wondering around the stage like a drunken person and the bad eye makeup and forever akimbo stance and the not knowing a classic Beatles song? That’s a little something I like to call “yikes”.

Michael Johns – Is it me? Am I the only one who doesn’t get why he’s still around? I’d rather watch Hate Noriega than Michael Johns. At least the Hate was fun to write about (ish). But Aussie Johns? With the hand flailing through the air all the time as if independent of his body and the flaccid vocal strength and the stage scurrying and the elements that don’t add up to anything? How bout no, ok? He murdered that song. It’s lying in an alley right now and Dick Wolf is gearing up the Ching Ching. Give the guy something to pin his hand down, get him a voice coach that will point to his diaphragm and say “there, sing there”, and a really good music defense attorney and maybe I’ll rule a no contest on him next week.

Syesha Mercado – Singing the most recognizable song of the night does not excuse her from being boring again. Syesha is the same every week: controlled, satisfactory and lifeless. Even her hair was flat (yes, I’m aware that was the intent). She’s just the anti-charisma. She’s the margarine of charisma. She’s the Diet Coke of charisma. Just one calorie, not charismatic enough!

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

DOUBLE BLOOP

Jason Castro – Have you ever seen a stoner try to speak a foreign language he doesn’t actually know? It’s not pretty. I liken it to Tommy Boy saying “roads” over and over till it lost all meaning. Castro gets points for ditching the guitar and trying to busk a romance beat, but he should probably reconsider the convention break. Also, he should wear a belt. Nobody tucks into tight pants without a belt, that shit is the anti-fierce.

Brooke White – Do you see now why I am of mixed feelings about her? Step her away from the ivory and she’s lost. She has no stage presence just standing there; her shag sucks out all the air in the room. Simon should bring in The Butterscotch Stallion to give her some pointers on using the shag for the powers of good. And what was with her interrupting the judges? Girl was getting mouthy up there. Just take your lumps and shut your yapper, Brooke, you’re keeping us from watching David Cook!

Chikezie – Still my secret favorite, if only cause he’s silently taking out contestants better suited to be the next American Idol than him. Ping, nailed Hernandez. Ping, down goes Syesha! He’d be well-advised to not try and duplicate past success, but instead to try something new and potentially cooler. He can’t keep splitting his songs into two completely different entities. This isn’t From Dusk Till Dawn. And the way Jason Castro should never get off the stool, Brooke off the piano and David Cook off the Hard Harry mic, Chikezie needs to BURN the harmonica. Nobody was ever cool playing the harmonica except for Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins, and besides, that’s a signature Taylor Hicks move. And Chikezie does NOT want to become the new President of the Soul Patrol.

Ramiele Malubay – Cute like Labrador retriever puppy, but boring as a bag of Orlando Bloom DVD’s. What has gone so horribly wrong with Ramiele? The video package amplified her persona as the girl that showed up to make friends, which is a huge mistake. Every week her package should be her working on her song at 3am in an empty studio, while the other, taller Idols get some sleep. It should be about this tiny girl unleashing her giant voice on an unsuspecting public. It should not be about how much she misses Danny Noriega. If she doesn’t shape up soon, she won’t have to worry about missing him, cause she’ll get the boot and have all the time in the world to pick out boots on Melrose with him.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SINGLE BLOOP

David Cook – OK, the bad: never again with the Richie Sambora “It’s My Life” microphone antics. It’s not cute. And it’s especially not cute when you tell us you only learned to use it a day ago. Musical ineptitude gets you no cool points (besides, Blake did this gimmick better and was more fun to watch). Now, the good: boy is fuck-able. I’m man enough to admit that he’s the hotness. But more than that, he’s the only Idol putting up a show each week you might pay to see off air. The only Idol truly establishing a credible radio personality (I’m not hearing Jed the Fish intro the new Archuleta jam on the world famous K-R-O-Q, any time soon). And he plays the crowd better than anyone since Constantine. I’m even cool with the smug grin. Now if we can only get him to cut that fucking mangy rat mess…

Amanda Overmyer – Does she ever pay attention to where the cameras are? The producers need to break it down for her, because it’s odd to the nth that she never looks at the TV audience. David Cook practically impregnates couch-bound housewives and Rogue can barely be bothered to give us a cursory glance. The quirk makes her look bored and disconnected on stage. She sounded fine, and I actually thought she looked really good, but it’s distracting watching her so vehemently avoid us. Though the revelation of the week is that she’s sort of likeable when she’s not singing; the way she diffused Simon’s criticism without coming off petulant? It’s a rare Idol skill, one I’d love to see her put into use during her performances.

Carly Smithson – I think she sang that too fast. I’ve always remembered Blackbird being slower. She sang it fine, great control and perfectly on pitch, but the speed really threw me. And once I got passed the sped up arrangement I had a hard time looking past the fact that she looked like a tranny transvestite up there. Seriously, who is dressing these kids? It’s like Edith Head threw up and the throw up designed their outfits.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!

David Archuleta – Redemption is the watchword. Course he picked a lay up song to get his, but that’s not important. What’s important is that he gained back some confidence and proved he can perform on the big stage. Worries still abound that he can’t bang out an up-tempo song (hell, he practically said as much on stage), but with the mosh pit skanks going Tom Cruise (as in: batshit crazy) over his runs it doesn’t much matter. One more solid performance like that and he’ll be nigh on unbeatable. David Cook would have to pull his underwear out of his jeans like Hansel (“so hot right now, David Cook”) to even stand a chance.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Bottom Three: Kristy Lee Cook, Syesha Mercado, Chikezie

My prediction for who gets the axe: Kristy Lee Cook

Bangarang!