As predicted by me, Britney slam dunked her extended cameo on the alarmingly rapid decline of funny known as “How I Met Your Mother”. She was poised, professional and cleaned-up to the point of 1998 hotness. Every goal for the gimmick came through. The show got big ratings and was legit funny for the first time all season. Britney proved that she can be still for five minutes and speak in coherent sentences. She also proved she can look pretty and down to earth, albeit with a little make-up and favorable stage lighting. She proved that gay guys still love her (NPH was practically drooling.), and she reminded us all of something vitally important about the machine that is Britney Spears: she’s a talented performer!

When she picked up the phone to announce that “Magnum” was there to see the doctor, then silently admonished herself for a such a cheesy move? Brilliant. Michael Cera wishes he could pull off that master class in awkwardness. And if you don’t think I’m about to use “That’sfunnysmartandgreat!” about fifty times over my next twenty posts, well then you don’t know The Jay very well.

Besides learning that I have prediction skills that would make Nostradamus legally change his name to Nostradamthejayisgood, cause I am that good (also, burn!), here’s what else we learned from last night’s Britney-infused How I Met Your Mother:

1. Sarah Chalke needs to dropkick Zach Braff in the face and get her own show with a quickness. She seamlessly picked up the HIMYM rapid fire dialogue, never once made me think I was watching Elliot Reed, and looked totes fetch in the process (yes, I’m making it happen. BMA, Regina George.)

• Fun bonus story about Sarah Chalke: I did extra work on the Scrubs set a handful of times and always found Second Becky to be charming, cute and coordinated. Apparently, this is a unique observation. My fellow blogger Audiebird relayed to me a story about spotting Chalke (my new euphemism for masturbation, btdub) coming out of a restaurant. Her words: “Cute face, but the body was disgusting. She walked like her vagina was being pulled by strings. Love her, though.” Um, gross?

2. Alyson Hannigan saying five retarded lines about biting her nails is what Anthony Keidis would liken to beating up Keanu Reeves in Point Break: “That would be a waste of time.” Can someone please rescue her from CBS and start casting her in movies? Who wouldn’t go see a Alyson Hannigan/Amy Adams redheaded romcom about two sisters looking for love amidst wacky hijinks and pale skin jokes (Ellen Pompeo can play their shrewish, squinty Aunt)? Maxim Magazine’s head just exploded at the thought of putting them on the cover together.

• Also, if Cobie Smulders doesn’t start getting more to do than make bad jokes and wait for the next Robin Sparkles episode, I may demote the show from “Save Until Delete” status to “Keep As Needed”. Why doesn’t she have a parallel finding love story with Ted? She already has the best online dating profile ever. Laser tag, cigars and former Canadian pop star? Um, yes please! I’m starting to get the feeling HIMYM hates women. Just putting it out there.

3. The two minute date idea is adorable, but could never happen in real life, and isn’t even physically possible in Los Angeles. There are no taxi’s at the ready, the restaurant would make you wait 15 minutes even with a reservation, you’d have to watch the movie at a Best Buy (which takes an hour just to get out of), and most of all, waiting outside someone’s workplace is creepy. That kind of move gets you lawyered out here. Or, depending on the fame level of the person you’re waiting for, an exclusive interview with TMZ.

• Also, Ted violated two huge guy dating rules: 1. Never spend more than $40 on a first date, and 2. Don’t date single mothers when you don’t want a kid in your life. The whole affair was doomed from the beginning. I guess if you’re gonna go down in flames, Sarah Chalke is a nice Zeppelin to crash, but still. Barney was right, after the fifth “no” it’s bang the receptionist time. Dem’s the rules.

4. If I ever grow a mustache I won’t look like a child molester (or a 70’s porn star), but instead, like Magnum P.I., only “a million times more handsome”. And dowdy receptionists who are secretly disgraced pop stars making a righteous TV comeback will want me. Of course, the real reason I’d grow a mustache is so I could speak Italian.

5 - Finally, this has nothing to do with HIMYM, so much as it does Jason Segel’s upcoming movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I was driving around The Valley with my younger brother this weekend and we passed one of those bus stop ads that said: “You SUCK Sarah Marshall”. I smiled, because it’s a great ad, but my brother started visibly shaking. I asked what was wrong and this was our ensuing conversation:

Lil Bro: That stupid billboard, I hate it! It’s so douche-y.

The Jay: What are you talking about? They’re hilarious.

Lil Bro: You think it’s hilarious to go around town putting up nasty billboards about your ex-girlfriend?

The Jay: Um… what?

Lil Bro: Yeah, some guy broke up with this actress and is now putting up billboards all over LA with nasty shit written on them.

The Jay: It’s a movie.

Lil Bro: What’s a movie?

The Jay: Those ads? They’re for a movie. With Jason Segel and Veronica Mars? It’s called Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Comes out in a few weeks. No? Anybody? Bueller? It’s just a marketing gimmick.

Lil Bro: No, dude! This guy has a blog about what he’s doing. And I saw the girl’s fan site. It’s real. This isn’t a movie.

The Jay: Look who you’re talking to!

Lil Bro: Look who YOU’RE talking to, ball-ass!

The Jay: I can’t believe you did better on the SAT’s than me.

Bangarang!