Looking pretty in Hollywood isn’t hard to do. Every celebrity does the same things: eat right, exercise often, get their hair done by professionals, use make-up that matches, highlights and improves their skin, kill babies and suck their blood. It’s standard stuff. But STAYING pretty in Hollywood? Not an easy task. Some celebrities will do almost anything to maintain their looks.

On The Late Show with David Letterman the other day, Demi Moore revealed that she uses leeches as a beauty regimen. She claims it’s the secret to looking glamorous at 61 45. I claim someone’s been watching Speed 2: Cruise Control a bit too much on TNT (Seriously Demi, Willem Dafoe is no one’s beauty maven). I guess she feels that in addition to rampant facial reconstruction, weekly botox injections, massive plastic surgery across her body and sucking the lifeblood out of a twenty year old himbo actor, she must let leeches suck her blood to stay beautiful.

And who I am to say she’s wrong?

In light of Demi’s recent health revelation, many stars have come out of the woodwork to reveal their personal beauty regimens. And for some, it’s not pretty. Take a look…

Renee Zellweger: Has a heavyweight boxer break up her face each and every day to ensure maximum scrunchiness.

Matthew McConaughey: Doesn’t need to do anything, cause he’s L-I-V-I-N! (Though the weed and the sports and the banging models helps, too.)

Lindsay Lohan: Each week, buys 100 packs of Crayola markers, then throws them all out but the orange ones. Using all 100 markers at once, she colors her tan in. You know, just to get a base.

President Clinton: Six words - “The royal penis is clean, sire.”

Ryan Seacrest: Before every Tuesday edition of American Idol, takes the Concorde to Tibet, scales the tallest mountain, sneaks into a hidden room of a monastery and gives a glory hole beej to the Dalai Lama. Claims it gives him that “just gayed by a spiritual deity” feeling that helps him devise the clever bon mots he uses against Simon Cowell.

Simon Cowell: Is secretly the guy glory holing Ryan Seacrest. Claims it gives him that “just secretly ram-gayed a network TV gameshow host” feeling he uses to look so smug in that judges chair.

Ryan Reynolds: Drinks a can of Powerthirst every morning to keep up his ridonkulous physique. His flavor of choice: RAWBERRY. It gives him gratuitous amounts of energy (ENERGY!). Don’t know what Powerthirst is? Peep the video:

• Side note: Ryan Reynolds actually has 400 babies. They’re currently undergoing marathon training in Kenya. In the year 2019, Ryan Reynolds’ children will take places 1-400 in every marathon on the planet. And they will all be snarky.

Reese Witherspoon: Does nothing. Being the spawn of Satan has its perks. Just what I heard…

Prince: Hustles unsuspecting D-list celebrities in pick-up basketball games. Afterwards, he cooks them pancakes. Game, blouses!

Hilary Swank: Men don’t need a beauty regimen, they’re fine just the way they are.

Jessica Biel: To maintain her perfectly over-sized posterior, she literally keeps junk in her trunk. Nothing big, just, you know, some crackers, a game of jacks, her 3rd place Archery ribbon from summer camp, Scattegories, lip balm, some old Nintendo cartridges (if you’re lucky, she’ll let you blow on them), stuff like that.

Kristen Bell: In order to remain extraordinarily cute, buys a new golden retriever puppy every 3 months just to rub it on her face before bed. The puppies are single use and she donates them to poor children once they’ve properly cutified her face. Sadly, the puppies are 72% less cute when she’s done with them, but don’t worry, they’re still good enough for poor kids.

Mario Lopez: You know those pills that Jesse was taking on the very special episode of Saved By The Bell? The ones that made her so excited, so excited, so… scared? Mario takes them to make his abs feel so excited, so excited, so… crunchy!

Megan Fox: Who knows, but whatever she’s doing, it’s working.

Ashton Kutcher: He’s Demi’s real leech! As Demi gets older, he gets younger. It’s the perfect crime! MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA! /twirls lame hipster beard

Bangarang!