Grading the American Idol Season Seven Top 10 On The TiVo Multi-Bloop Scale

The first episode of Idol that actually felt like a real American Idol episode since Top 4 week of LAST SEASON. Well-produced, expertly paced, recognizable music, solid performances, cute video packages, a minimal amount of Ryan/Simon bitchiness, a maximum of amount of Paula Abdul train wreckiness, and a overall sense of good times. The Idol wannabes seemed relieved to be away from the Beatles fortnight, picking songs they’ve sung a billion times before in their bedrooms (you know Carly has Total Eclipsed it twice a week, every week, for two solid decades). The favorites were great, the Bottom Three was obvious and did I mention Carly Smithson sang Total Eclipse of the Heart? Cause she did. And it was brillz, kids. Brillz!

Apologies to Ryan Seacrest, but THAT was American Idol!

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

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TRIPLE BLOOP

Ramiele Malubay – One of the unspoken rules of American Idol is never perform a song that a previous Idol winner kicked ass on. Carrie Underwood WON her season because of her Heart “Alone” performance. Don’t believe me, peep the video below. That happened. Ramiele was fine; had good tone and control despite her apparent illness. But she is NO Carrie Underwood. Carrie was a singing machine. A vocal terminator. You could blow Ramiele over with a snarky yawn. Girl needs to stand up straight, be emotionless and just sing; stop being there to make friends. Assuming she survives the week, of course, which I doubt she will. Oh, and the high-waisted shorts were utterly horrible and made her look even more elfish than normal. Shakira could have used her as an armrest in those shorts.

Kristy Lee Cook – Really? God Bless America, REALLY? Ugh! I hate that she played this week so brilliantly. Saying it was a great song choice doesn’t mean the judges thought she sang it well, but like Simon says, it was a clever choice. We’re not kicking the country singer off American Idol for singing “God Bless America”, no matter how pitchy she sounded (which was a lot). I personally wanted to deport her to Canada.

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DOUBLE BLOOP

Michael Johns – Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. A worse gimmick than KLC slobbin’ America’s knob.

Jason Castro – First off, if you’re going to be a busking stoner doing 1987 Sting on national television and you don’t sing “Englishmen in New York”, dude, I don’t even wanna know you. That’s just wasted airtime. Castro was mumbly, slurry, sloppy on his strings, and seemed rushed throughout. The arrangement was a drag; the chorus was depressing and uninteresting. And he was making some seriously uggo singer faces. Totes distracting. The man NEEDS to cut down on his drug use. He’s less McConaughey now and more Jared Leto at the end of Requiem.

Syesha Mercado – I continue to be both impressed by her control and unimpressed by her utter lack of charisma. I made a vow not to write anything about her until she does something interesting. The vow will not be broken this week.

Brooke White – I’ll give her the mistake in the opener. Even I needed help starting my haftarah portion at my Bar Mitzvah. Notes don’t always come out the way we want in the beginning. But every thing else after that was not good. I’m not sure if she was in a lower register than normal, but I wasn’t a fan. She sounded kinda, I don’t know… mannish? The arrangement was stilted, the band did her no favors and the harmony was non-existent. When you make me miss the Puff Daddy version, you did something wrong. And I was really hoping that Diddy would come out and drop some Biggie love.

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SINGLE BLOOP

Carly Smithson – She’s younger than me? I thought she was 40! I really need to start moisturizing more often. I don’t know what was up Randy Jackson’s ass, calling this a bad song choice. Total Eclipse of the Heart is NEVER a bad song choice. Also, it’s the same time of song she sings EVERY week. And, hello, she rocked the hell out of it. There was dancing, singing and melodramatic arm movements in The 209. We clapped at the end. Un-ironically! I get what Simon was saying about her looking tense, but I feel like that’s more her style of performing. She’s not gonna grab a toke from Castro’s bong before the show, girl’s just a bit stiff. Her voice is fantastic, what does it matter how relaxed she is?

Chikezie – Brian McKnight-y, much? Dug the arrangement; Chikezie was smooth and had a nice sensual groove to his voice. And you know I dig the clothing style. I wasn’t blown away by the vocal or the performance, but he continues to be a stand out on what is quickly being revealed to be a sub-par season.

David Archuleta – What was going on up there? I mean, I loved it, but what the hell was happening? He sounded great; the runs were practically Archuleta-esque, he seemed to be having a ton of fun (loved the arm waggling), but seriously… what was that? If anyone else in the competition sang that song they’d get kicked off immediately just for confusing us. Archuleta gets a pass, though. I couldn’t believe it when I found out it was a John Farnham song. John Farnham! Composer of the Rad Soundtrack! I would pay my entire week’s salary – not an unimpressive sum, let me tell you – to hear David sing “Thunder in your Heart”.

David Cook – Randy Jackson needs to go eat some more pie, cause he’s useless with the judging. Cook is great, don’t get me wrong, but he is NOT the boldest contestant the show has ever seen. That would be Taylor Hicks (for thinking we’d buy him as 29, and for pulling it off). He’s not the most original contestant in Idol History. That would be Blake Lewis. Good God, it wasn’t even his arrangement! He just aped Chris Cornell. Hell, he basically imitated Chris Cornell. Nothing about this performance was original. Blake Lewis would have turned that, flipped it and reversed it and Paula would have broken her neck loving it so much. David is smart to pick recognizable songs, sing them like we remember them, and be good at doing it, but I refuse to buy the hype until I see him do ANYTHING that Daughtry, Blake and Bo Bice didn’t do before him.

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NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!

Nobody this week.

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The Bottom Three: Ramiele Malubay, Chikezie, Syesha Mercado

My prediction for who gets the axe: Ramiele Malubay (Damn, no, probably Chikezie. I just don’t want to believe it.)

Bangarang!